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Can this ever change? Sorry long(5 Posts)
I've been with my girlfriend for 18 months. We met online and were originally 70 miles apart. We made it work, seeing each other weekly/fortnightly then once she could drive, about twice a week. (Logistically was very hard for me to stay there regularly)
After the first 6 weeks or so I had a hunch she wasn't being honest with me - stuff she said didn't add up, timelines didn't make sense and she specifically asked me not to mention stuff to her friends and family (I.e she said she was taking driving lessons because she had been caught drink driving and had had a 3 year ban and needed to resist her test and that she had been in drug rehab). Eventually last July I confronted her, we had a big row and broke up for a couple of days. She came clean about it all, said she hadn't expected us to be More than a few dates and that it all got out of control. I decided to let it go that time because I felt she hadn't lied to me for a couple of months.
In October she moved in with me, I let her stay rent free for a few months as she only had a part time job. I also bought her a new car when sh crashed hers as I couldn't bear to see her struggle with finance or driving an unreliable £200'car.
Around Christmas we had some rows because she was lying again - white lies about days off/work hours but hit a nerve given the summer.
At the end of March she found a full time job with excellent pay - I saw the contract. We were very happy and excited about this.
Mid April my work hours reduced (I'm self employed). We discussed this and decided I wouldn't look for more work as I've almost qualified in hypnotherapy (have 2
More years study for psychotherapy) and I could use the time to get that off the ground.
Then I started getting suspicious. There was some odd stuff about money that didn't make sense and I ended up looking at her phone. I found loads of job applications and most shockingly; she had signed up to a non-sexual escort agency and asked her gran to pay them £450 advertising fees (didn't happen in the end and she told her gran it was for car repairs). Obviously we had a massive row and she swore blindly she still had her job and that it had been a spur of the moment thing to boost her ego and get some easy money. After this she agreed to go to therapy because she genuinely can't seem to help lying.
A little after this, I became quite anxious about my workload reducing and she reassured me time and time again she was making approx 2 sales a day so loads of commission on top of her base salary, that we were a team and we would be fine (I have 2 horses that I compete at a high level so I have some big out goings) ect ect.
Well today I found out she doesn't have a job. That the company had hired too many people and had to let the newest recruites go. So for a month or so she's been dressing up and going to 'meetings', reassuring me that I didn't need to urgently look for more work ect ect. She took out a LOAN to pretend she's been paid.
I found out because I looked at her phone and saw her accepting a job offer.
I told her to leave and she's gone but still has her stuff here including passport. I don't know what to do. I love her so much and bar the lying, it's a wonderful relationship.
She had a really bad time growing up (family
Members have mentioned enough for
Me to know its true) and from my course I know how damaging that is. She's starting CBT but I don't know what to do.
When it's good, I can easily see myself spending the rest of my life with her, but I can't live with these lies. I hate myself for feeling compelled to look at her phone to see what's really going on.
I don't know whether to end it now once and for all, or wait and see if CBT helps. But I don't know how I can trust her again.
Has anyone experienced anything like this before?
Relationships with people who lie are destructive, damaging and hard work. Some people for whatever reason like the dramas that this creates. I personally found it very stressful and if I were you I would steer clear of anyone that damaged (unless you use them as a case study). I would say you have had a lucky escape. Next time be more wary as anyone who lies about little things will certainly lie about big things.
End it. I was in a relationship like this and the person continued lying, chance after chance until I eventually had enough and left them. This situation you are in is not healthy.
You asked a proven liar and self-confessed drug addict to move in with you after a few short months of dating. Why? Do you have a need to rescue people, do you think?
Imagine your best friend is bringing this scenario to you. What advice would you give them?
I don't think I made it clear - we were together for 10 months when she moved in. I was under the impression she was off them well before she moved in and 100% hasn't touched them since. At the time she hadn't appeared to have lied for a long time and for various reasons she needed to move and I was looking to get a lodger so it made sense at the time.
Admittedly I do look like a 'rescuer' in this relationship but my previous ones have been heathy.
Thanks for your thoughts
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