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No sex and a big spot :((6 Posts)
I'm sitting here crying about my marriage so this is unlikely to be the most coherent post... DH and I have been together 8 years, married for 5 years and we have 2 children, 3.5 and 2 yo. They're amazing children but the early baby years have been tough for everyone (lots of night waking, reflux, no family support). My DH is well meaning but just wasn't prepared for full-on family life. When I met him he was a total bachelor, very disorganised, ate out most nights, no practical skills and his money left like water. He'd also never had sex with anyone, he was keen and VERY good at getting to first base, then would panic and make every excuse not to go further.
We had our ups and downs early on as he wasn't keen to commit, but we settled into a lovely early relationship, lots of common interests around being silly and shared sports, and the sex thing got better, though we'd still never done it properly when we got married. But we got there in the end, sex has never been a problem for me (ahem!) and I refused to let him duck the issue, gave him an ultimatum to go to a GP to get his foreskin checked out (he said it hurt but it was fine), and we did manage to conceive DC1 naturally. DC2 was more tricky as he felt stressed out by TTC sex. And since then we've not done it once, the last time was 3 years ago I had a tricky pregnancy with DC2, early bleeding and lots of sickness, then the reflux etc took over when he was born and DH moved into the spare room as he can't cope with little sleep. And he's still there many nights as the kids are still not sleeping well, and our sex life is now zero.
Home life hasn't been great, I'm a SAHM and basically do everything so never get time off. DH is in his own world much of the time and I've been trying to get a balance between asking him to do stuff without nagging as he gets really defensive and cross. I don't expect him to become superdad overnight but it's been 3.5y since DC1 was born and I can't cope alone anymore. I've focused on stopping him harming the kids (he keeps leaving the bleach cupboard and front door unlocked, not strapping them in car seats properly...) but he has improved recently after we had a couple of big discussions and he can now take both kids out alone without big incidents. I just feel that when I really needed his support, especially in the first year with 2 children, he wasn't there for me .
Sorry this is so rambling. Our previous common interests have faded away (hard to do joint sports when we don't have easy childcare), we have all the warning signs of drifting apart, and I miss good sex and a loving relationship. I do love him still but not in a very husband-like way, more like a rather annoying brother. I've been trying to gear myself up to trying some seduction, I've lost weight and got the sexy undies out again, but this morning DH didn't even give me a kiss good morning, just pointed out that I have a large spot on the back of my neck and went to work! And somehow this seems to symbolise my whole rocky marriage, hence the crying. I know I should organise proper date nights out (we tend to do them at home and his work keeps getting in the way), get energised to sort things out, but I feel totally deflated at the moment. Sorry again for the rambling, I'm not even sure what I'm asking for here, basically I'd just love a virtual hug.
I'm not good at relationship advice but sending you a huge hug. You sound very sad. You need to tell him how miserable you are.
You are trying so hard but what's been missing for the whole of your relationship is effort from him.
I don't think you trying harder will help and I can't see that this relationship has ever been satisfying for you anyway. He has been like a project from the very start and is unlikely to change.
I had a husband like this and I left him when I realised who he was.
you sound so sad, what about some kind of relationship therapy? Or sex therapy?
Does he do anything to make you feel good? anything to make you happier than if he wasnt there? Does he do anything that shows any kind of love, affection, helpfulness?
If not, then i'd wonder if your life would be happier without him tbh.
Thank you all, your hugs and a cup of tea have been a big help.
DH does try to do more to help now. We had a chat about having a third child recently (started by the practical qu of whether to sell the crib or not) and I told him that I was too scared of the effect it would have on our relationship and how hard I'd found it before. He says that was a real wake-up call for him. He's now taking the monitors into the spare room on a Friday night so I can get a good night's sleep and then go running on a Saturday morning, I've really missed that 'me time' but obviously that's not a couple activity. He also cooks the odd meal now, but housework and childcare are mainly me still. I'd LOVE a third child but I really don't think our relationship is strong enough, and frankly we could whistle for one... so that's making me sad too but I'm trying not to think about that .
We do hug and kiss still, but no snogging or anything more, and we are affectionate and joined by our huge love for our wonderful children. He's a super dad in terms of playing with them and tickling etc. He gives me the odd compliment 'thanks for being wonderful' stuff, but no surprises, presents, etc. Though I haven't been doing that either I'm afraid, we really have lapsed. I suggested leaving the kids at my parents for our wedding anniversary and getting a hotel nearby for a night and he wasn't interested, he thought it would be expensive and we should just go for a meal then back to my parents to sleep in our single beds there . I guess therapy would be sensible, it just feels like going over everything would be really painful and I'm an introvert, rocking the boat isn't my natural state! I really don't want to end this, I just feel terrible that after only 5 years we've let things get so bad. And I don't want my children to be brought up in a damaged relationship either.
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