Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Found a miniskirt in the washing last week, it's not mine.

(77 Posts)
wornoutwoman Tue 10-May-16 22:49:22

It belongs to the person DH is sleeping with for the three days of the week that he doesn't come home. For the last 5 yrs I've had my suspicions this has been happening & I've been through every emotion I can name trying to find a way of coping with this. I thought I had come to terms with it all, that I could live with it & bring the kids up in blissful ignorance, but this has really thrown me and I don't know what to do. DH has admitted guilt but wants to stay married. He blames it on mismatched sex drives, but he never broached the subject when it became a problem for him (whilst I was knee deep in raising toddlers & working).

I'm totally alone with this, there's no one I can have a sensible discussion with as to where to go from here. We haven't been able to talk since this happened as the house has been full of family & now he's back in London (with her) for the week.

Is there anyone out there going through something similar? If we don't split up I feel I should have a 12yr coping plan (the point at which DS2 might go to uni/college/leave home) to work with and at the end of that we go our different ways. However, I am human & in spite of what DH might think I have some sex drive so I'm hoping an open marriage is the way forward. I've been off the dating scene for 25yrs......where do I start? I just want to feel alive again, with a bit of fun, no strings attached but it's a minefield out there and I'm scared...... Help anyone?

Offred Tue 10-May-16 22:55:11

What?! This is crazy...

Nowt against an open relationship but any relationship open or monogamous has to be based on respect and for an open relationship to be successful and happy you have to be excellent communicators...

I think this plan will absolutely mess everything up...

I would tell him to stay with her in London....

Memeto3boys Tue 10-May-16 23:00:38

I have to be blunt about this.

I say you a better than this and would say LTB.

From what you have written there seems to be no love there. It comes across as he wants his cake and eat it. Life doesn't work like that though and I honest think that if you keep up this pretence it will be alot worse in time to come than it is now.

Imbroglio Tue 10-May-16 23:00:46

Your children will not thank you for staying together in misery for 12 years for their benefit.

SchnitzelVonKrumm Tue 10-May-16 23:02:15

Leave. And tell everyone why.

Hissy Tue 10-May-16 23:03:35

12 year coping plan?

What hell is that?

Think about what that teaches a child about relationships? That's a shockingly poor decision.

You want to preserve your happy family image to all outside your home, but are not thinking about the price your child will pay.

Just tell him to stay in London, go on with his relationship, so you too can live.

Show your son that happy parents make good parents. You and h can be happy apart.

For your own sanity, end this farce now

scribblegirl Tue 10-May-16 23:04:52

You can do this.

You deserve better. Your kids deserve better.

BertrandRussell Tue 10-May-16 23:05:44

He blames it on mismatched sex drive? Err......

ManonLescaut Tue 10-May-16 23:08:33

A 12 year plan sounds Stalinesque.

RaeSkywalker Tue 10-May-16 23:08:54

You deserve better OP. I'd tell him not to bother coming home.

AnotherEmma Tue 10-May-16 23:09:04

LTB you crazy woman

Foodefafa Tue 10-May-16 23:11:33

Leave him. Leave him. Leave him.

Open relationships work for some people but they can NEVER work when the starting point is an affair. No way.

You deserve better my love.

newworldnow Tue 10-May-16 23:11:43

I have no idea why you think you have to put up with this utter disrespectful shit. He does it because he knows you will. He has probably ground you down so your thinking is off.
Take some power back and tell him to stay with her. If not then you will have to start telling your family.
He is cruel nasty and utterly selfish as he actually blames you.
See chump lady this is having your cake and eating it.
I would be raging and throw him out if you can. Otherwise make it difficult for him.
You are worth so much more than this. Prove it by getting rid,

OnceMoreIntoTheBleach Tue 10-May-16 23:11:44

OP do you have a daughter? Show her how to have self respect in her relationships.

Do you have a son? Show him how he should treat his future partner with respect.

Don't stay in a loveless marriage for their sakes. It won't do them any favours.

Tell him to stay in London.

Best of luck. I've lost my flower icon, so have some choc chocolate

SnuffleGruntSnorter Tue 10-May-16 23:12:32

Don't be his doormat, please - you really do deserve better. You can be happy again but not with someone who treats you with such little respect. Make a plan to leave and stick with it, it'll be hard but worth it in the long run

MangosteenSoda Tue 10-May-16 23:13:04

Sounds like he's hardly home anyway. You are not happy. He's deceitful. I can't see how having a downtrodden mum benefits your kids.

LTB and find the happiness you deserve elsewhere. And don't be shy about letting people know why.

Fairylea Tue 10-May-16 23:14:25

You have very low self esteem if you can even contemplate living like this. You deserve better. 100 million times better.

No one will thank you for staying. Trust me.

beckythemasterbaker Tue 10-May-16 23:14:41

Your better than this. Was the skirt left on purpose for you to find ?

newworldnow Tue 10-May-16 23:14:57

hmmmm bet she doesn't have toddlers to look after. Make him feel the consequences. You are not doing your children a favour by shoving this under the carpet.

tipsytrifle Tue 10-May-16 23:15:40

He's already done his maths and decided the cheapest way to go. What way would YOU like to go?

timelytess Tue 10-May-16 23:17:16

Make an appointment with a solicitor. Do it tomorrow. Start sorting out a decent future for you and your children.

tipsytrifle Tue 10-May-16 23:17:41

go being a proactive way forward

newworldnow Tue 10-May-16 23:18:13

I'm so angry on your behalf. You will find someone else much better than this entitled fool. Does he earn a lot? Don't be put off by financials. You would cope.

neveradullmoment99 Tue 10-May-16 23:19:00

You need to think about yourself. You said you were totally thrown by this. So the way forward is for you to have an affair too? Get out of the poisonous relationship before it destroys you and your children.

neveradullmoment99 Tue 10-May-16 23:20:04

If she left the skirt at your house, what the hell did she wear home?

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now