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I THINK I need to leave my marriage but I am unsure and second guessing myself

(10 Posts)
purpletulip1 Tue 10-May-16 20:02:46

I have been with my husband for 8 years and we have a daughter who has just turned 5. I have not been feeling that happy in the marriage for some time, and i don't want to be unhappy anymore. It just feels like I have to make so much effort to get my husband to participate in family life and i am exhausted by it.

Every single evening he will go out with friends from around 7 until 3am (mostly, sometimes 1 or 2 am). he spent years working in a job that ended at 3-4 am and says he now cannot sleep before this time- he owns a business that runs 4pm-3am however in the last 18 months he has only actually worked a shift for a total of about 3 months in that time (he has a partner, my husband goes to check up daily). I have to ask him to stay home so we can have an evening together and when he reluctantly agrees his friends will call him to come out and he will usually go. I have stopped asking him to stay. We are unable to do anything in the day as he will sleep until 1-2pm. we hardly have sex as he would rather be out.
When he is home he is looking a his Facebook feed at shit he has already seen 10 times or laying dozing on the sofa. He doesn't want to go out as a family, I have stopped asking.

I have told him many times I am not happy, asked for things to change, it dies for a week then slips back into the way it was before. This appears to be normal behaviour amount his friends (husband and friends not from UK/Europe) and how they treat their family and in our last argument about this issue he said I don't see anyone else going out with their wife so why shall I?
From the outside it probably looks like I have a nice life, nice house, nice cars, holidays but I don't feel like my husband loves or cares about me and i can't try to make him anymore.

I also met somebody who i had a very brief romance with just before I met my husband and there was chemistry there. I opened up to him about how I felt about my marriage and we met a few times and texted each other. he said that he still had feelings for me and that given the chance would marry me tomorrow and give me all the thing i need to feel loved- including another child which i desperately want but my husband does not. Last week I told him that i had to stop contact with him and deal with my feelings and decide what i want to do about my marriage, we have had no contact since but its killing me. he makes me feel alive, he noticed me when my husband doesn't.

I think i need to leave my marriage regardless of how i feel about my old flame as I am not happy, I am exhausted trying to get my husband to love me or even notice me but I don't think he will see our daughter if we split and it will devastate her.

I don't know what I am looking for here really i just want to get all this out and maybe receive some advice. Thanks

expotition Tue 10-May-16 20:22:48

You are being brave facing up to all this and you did well to spot the danger in your situation with the other man and back off. It can feel supportive when someone else is paying you sexual attention but in the longer term it's usually a drain & a distraction.

Do you have a good friend you can talk to instead? Sounds like you know what you need to do & could use practical advice about how, when, & how best to protect your daughter.

bellissimiaow Tue 10-May-16 20:25:02

This is no way to live your life. A marriage is about enjoying each other's company and being a partnership. Do you work? Would you be able to support yourself without him around? I would start detaching from him and think about how things would be on your own.
It's scary but I can say without a single doubt that life is so much more enjoyable without someone who blatantly has no desire to be with you.

You're doing the right thing in not pursuing any other attraction until you have decided what you want to do. Don't complicate it. Get your ducks in a row and get out. Then enjoy yourself, either on your own or with someone who cares for you in a way your dh clearly doesn't.

Thistly Tue 10-May-16 20:31:18

Sounds like the old flame has reminded you of what you're missing. Like others say, get out, and establish yourself as an independent unit with your daughter before attaching yourself to anyone.
Sounds harsh, but if he does,so little with you and your daughter, she will probably not miss him so much as you think. It would be better to support them keeping in touch as far as possible though

Good luck.

pocketsaviour Tue 10-May-16 20:51:16

You don't have a husband, you have a flatmate who still thinks he's a teenager.

What is your situation? Are you working? Do you have family and friends around you for support? Do you rent or own your property?

omri Tue 10-May-16 21:15:40

If you read back your original post, you'll realise what you have to do. Do you want another 3 years, 5 years, 10 years of living like this?
And well done to you doing the right thing and cutting communication with your old flame while your work through this.
You need to concentrate on you and your daughter at this time and do what needs to be done without complicating matters with a love affair on top of that...

flowers for you

purpletulip1 Tue 10-May-16 21:17:57

Thanks for the replies. What you have all said seems to match what i am thinking it is just so hard to take the first step to do what I need to do and I need the courage to do that.
I began working in September when my daughter started school after a break since having her. I only do very part time hours and only earn around £80 a week. I am not working for the money though, just for something to do mainly. We own our property here (v.small mortgage) and my husband has 2 properties in his country. we have joint savings and current account. I presume that I can take half of the money in our accounts to cover living expenses should i move forward with divorce? I will have to look to increase my working hours also.

I have very few friends, not any who I could confide in really. I am close in distance to my family but do not have a close relationship with them.

The biggest concern is my daughter. Even though he is rarely here and when he is physically here his mind is elsewhere he is here when my daughter gets home from school everyday and he has tea with her which is time that she relishes. If I knew that he would definitely see her regularly I would end it right now.
I just don't want my daughter to be upset about not having a relationship with her father and feel that maybe i should stay to put her before my own feelings.

I would defiantly stay alone for some time and not jump into anything with anyone. I had to stop contact with my old flame before anything physical happened and I don't want to complicate things further. I just want to feel alive again- which is how he made me feel.

Thank you for helping me see that it is probably the right thing to do to end things

purpletulip1 Tue 10-May-16 21:19:50

Also does anyone know if the property that my husband has outside of the UK can be used in the divorce settlement?

Marilynsbigsister Tue 10-May-16 21:35:25

Please don't 'stay for the child'. It's a very bad example to set your dd. All it does is teach her that women should put up with poor behaviour because they are mothers. Time to show her that in fact , mothers are tough and being on your own is better for ones self esteem than allowing someone to treat you badly/disregard your needs and feelings

bellissimiaow Tue 10-May-16 22:30:37

My exh has had a far better relationship with our dcs now that we've split up than he ever had when we were together. He just left me to do everything before but now he has to spend time alone with them properly he's finally understanding what being a father is all about. Shame he couldn't have realised before..

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