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Fed up of stupid bullshit lies

(37 Posts)
MagicMoonstone Tue 10-May-16 16:55:52

OH and I have what people would see as an ideal relationship if they looked in from the outside.

On the inside though there is some really bizarre behaviour that I just don't get.

He keeps secrets.... always related to his kids. I really don't understand why he lies about silly little things that he really doesn't need to.

I can't think of loads of examples but a few spring to mind. They are all pretty petty little lies.

His kids were going on a school trip to paris.... I said over and over we needed to sort them some euros. It didn't get sorted and the morning he dropped them off I asked if he'd sorted it and he said no.... he'd just given them cash to change themselves. I was fine with this.

2 months later he was checking a bank statement and he asked what he'd spent money on at post office counters. It was large amount so we were puzzled. Then he realised and said "ohhhh I got the kids euros didn't i"...... why lie?

Then a while ago we had some problems with his daughter meeting up with strangers. I was concerned for her safety. We all sat down (with her mum and step dad) over a cuppa and explained why we were worried. She accepted it was foolish and she had been trying to please a friend.

So I have just sat in the car and found a handwritten note from DSD friend explaining how sorry she is for leading DSD astray and asking that she isn't punished for something that she had pushed her into. It was a lovely note.

He got into the car and I was holding it. Straight away he said "I told you about that"..... before I'd even had chance to ask about anything. I know he hadn't told me because I'd have remembered reading it. I'd have recalled a memory when I saw it. It was the first time I'd seen it. It would have been nice to know that the situation was sorted and we could draw a line on it.

He said he keeps things secret and lies because he had to with his ex because he couldn't tell her things. But I'm not like her. I'm nothing like her. I've never given him reason to lie so why do it.

What really fucks me off is this whole line of "I told you that" or "I showed you that" all the time when I know these things haven't been said. He relays whole conversations he that we've apparently had that I know we haven't had. I am now at a point where I can predict them coming.

Initially I was getting myself really upset because I thought I was forgetting whole conversations, and it was only a few weeks ago when I realised that I'm not actually forgetting anything.... he just tries to trick me with saying we've discussed stuff.

I guess the things he's doing aren't actually the things that are bothering me.... it's the whole thing of making out I'm losing my mind that's upsetting me.

Jan45 Tue 10-May-16 16:58:33

Would bother me, a lot! Couldn't contemplate any type of relationship with a person that lies, no matter how small, lying is lying, you will be on the back foot all the time and he could drop a bombshell any time, no way to live!

MagicMoonstone Tue 10-May-16 17:17:44

We are so open and honest with everything. We are both pretty reasonable people. I don't feel the need to hide anything because he is so reasonable and vice versa.

I have a great relationship with his kids. I would never deny them money for a trip. There was no reason to hide it. I was going to chip some in myself anyway.

It just makes me question how this man who I feel I know inside out can do such weird things that make me wonder what kind of bloke he really is

pocketsaviour Tue 10-May-16 17:22:01

He said he keeps things secret and lies because he had to with his ex because he couldn't tell her things.

This doesn't make sense in the context of the two things you've described him lying about.

I think I'd be getting to the point of telling him he gets himself help from a therapist to break this stupid habit. You can help prompt this if every time he says something, you reply "Prove it." grin

Wild shot in the dark, but was/is either of his parents an alcoholic/addict?

TheFuckersBitingMe Tue 10-May-16 17:26:33

The thing about trying to trick you into believing you've had a conversation is quite a huge worry, reading that. It's an unbelievably shitty thing to do to someone you love.

magoria Tue 10-May-16 18:12:20

Look up gas lighting.

I bet he didn't need to keep secrets from his ex. I bet he was exactly the same with her because that is how he is.

When will it change from the little unimportant things (which have already had an effect on you) to the big whoppers.

Only you can decide if you want to stay with a man who does this.

Jan45 Tue 10-May-16 18:13:14

Can't believe he makes out you are the mad one when he knows he's lying, this is not petty OP, it's huge.

MagicMoonstone Tue 10-May-16 18:19:49

I'm not stupid and I don't want to be with someone who is going to treat me like a twat.

My anxiety levels are so high. I've been put on medication to keep me calm which is ridiculous because I'm such a level headed person.

Well I was :'(

MagicMoonstone Tue 10-May-16 18:22:09


His ex didn't like his kids so he would buy them things and hide it. He would buy games consoles then bring them back home saying they were from the kids mums house.

Just an example

redexpat Wed 11-May-16 06:27:43

He is treating you like a twat. I'm sorry. You sound so nice, and deserve better.

Costacoffeeplease Wed 11-May-16 06:46:27

You were a level headed person and now you're on medication for anxiety? If there's nothing else going on to cause this then you've got to LTB

MagicMoonstone Wed 11-May-16 06:52:04

We bashed it out last night. He said he can't help it if I miss things because my head is stuck in my phone. But how come I only miss the important things, usually the important things that work to his benefit for whatever reason.

For it to get to the point where it's affecting my health so badly (had palpitations all night because I'm so anxious all the time) I have to ask myself if this can be resolved by talking through or cut my losses and pack my bags. I have nowhere to go. I have no furniture to put anywhere if I did find somewhere to go and I have no savings to put down on a place.

The optimist in me says work at it. The realist in me says give it up.

I don't want this not to work though. I just don't want to keep sifting shit from truth sad

Costacoffeeplease Wed 11-May-16 07:01:59

Well he's still blaming you - so it doesn't sound like he's going to change

Guiltypleasures001 Wed 11-May-16 07:47:49

Maybe his lying are the reason he lost past relationships, it's not them it's him?

MagicMoonstone Wed 11-May-16 08:08:13

You know, I can see that may be the problem.

He doesn't have to lie though. I'm reasonable. I go with anything. I support anything.

He knows they're silly lies when I've caught him out.

LadyReuleaux Wed 11-May-16 09:02:14

OP I have had similar from my DP and we are now separating. Different context (DC but no no stepchildren) but endless stupid lies, gaslighting, telling me I said/he said things we didn't. It is bloody exhausting, infuriating and INSULTING and I feel your pain totally.

Suffice to say we have talked it over countless times and been to counselling, he knows he does it, he knows I hate it, and he still does it.

With mine I think he is terribly, unbearably insecure and lying just gives him a "buffer" from reality. I'm the opposite and desperately want the truth, so I get annoyed and demand that he be honest with me. (Which to me seems like a reasonable thing to want in a relationship) That puts more pressure on him and he retreats into more lying. It's like he can construct a world he's more comfortable in because I'm kept at arm's length. He often does it as a kneejerk reaction and doesn't even seem to realise what he's doing until afterwards.

Well anyway whatever's going on, I've had enough and I'm done with it. He says he loves me and doesn't want to separate but he doesn't seem to be able to grasp that he's basically destroyed the love and trust I had by being like this.

I did end up giving him an ultimatum and told him it was a dealbreaker. He didn't stop, so it's over. It's sad but you can't endure this long-term. I too have suffered with horrendous anxiety. I felt a huge weight lift when I told him it was over.


MagicMoonstone Wed 11-May-16 09:43:48

We're the lies over silly little things in your instance too?

MagicMoonstone Wed 11-May-16 09:53:43


I just Googled gaslighting. I'd never heard of it until recently.

You know when you read something and your eyes suddenly see things a bit more clearly...maybe we'll you just gave me that moment.

Off to do some more digging now I think.

magoria Wed 11-May-16 09:57:08

His ex was the problem.

You are the problem.

Can you not see the common link here?

One clue it is him.

His ex may have had no issue with his spending just like you don't. All you do know is he is a liar but it is your fault...

KittyKrap Wed 11-May-16 10:00:16

Gas lighting was my first thought too. Especially as he gives the excuse that you're 'stuck in your phone'.

Fragglewump Wed 11-May-16 10:00:53

My ex did this. He used to justify it by saying 'its only lies about little things that don't matter'. I knew that if he was a liar about little things there was no way he would be honest about big things. I just hate liars and trying to sustain a relationship with one leads to madness where as you say you constantly try to sift the truth from the lies. I too ended up having panic attacks and on anti depressants. We split in the end and thank goodness. My life is waaaay better without him. Lies now just make me livid!! My new husband knows this and is much better about honesty. I think that people are either basically honest people or they are not.

ImperialBlether Wed 11-May-16 10:07:29

I think if you have to take medication to cope with living with a partner then you should leave. It's obvious really, isn't it?

And, regarding his ex, I don't think much of a man who a) stays with a woman who dislikes his kids and b) lies to her about presents he's got a perfect right to buy them.

Guiltypleasures001 Wed 11-May-16 10:08:18

I'm reasonable I'm accepting I go with anything?

This is now your problem lovely, but you don't live up to your label above, if you did you wouldn't be giving him all this shit because of some silly lies, cause hey your breaking your side of the contract yes?

I think your being unreasonable now he's told you who and what he is and your going back on your
Im reasonable accepting bla bla bla.

And now in the real world,

The mans a proven liar, and here you are discussing and re hashing his shit, when you could have dumped him by now, and been part way through a bottle of something worth your attention.

Don't be so reasonable, stop being so accepting oh and fuck the I go with anything shit, seriously
In real life it doesn't bode well, twats like him sniff that out from a country mile away.

With much love and flowers

Toffeelatteplease Wed 11-May-16 10:16:59

Yes it is gas lighting and yes it is bad emotional abuse.

Because you end up feeling unable to trust your senses it will absolutely cause anxiety.

Eventually you go the other way and decide to accept everything he says is true (whether you know it is or isn't), you will look to him before deciding what you think about anything and It means when the big lies come (and they will) you will just accept them and not cause a fuss.

Toffeelatteplease Wed 11-May-16 10:18:32

"My ex told me I was missing stuff because I had a pregnancy head and was a bit shit with numbers" It wasn't true.

The mobile phone thing isn't true either

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