Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

is this normal or should I leave?

(28 Posts)
chatter010 Tue 10-May-16 15:20:19

Posting under different name.

He wants me to drink most days (he will buy me wine/pour me a glass if I say no), but then tells me i'm drinking too much and need to go tee-total. This is only at home though, he hates if i go out with my friends for a drink.
He pressurises me into sex. If I say no he accuses me of sleeping with someone else, says I need to accept his attention and that he finds me attractive. I woke up one night to find him trying to have sex with me without a condom (which we have to use). I told him a few months ago I was really uncomfortable with his behaviour, so he said 'fine I won't come near you then' and left me alone for a couple of months but has gone back to how he was. I literally run upstairs and get changed at night so he won't try it on . He gets annoyed if I get changed and put clothes on instead of just being naked for him lol.
I am on antidepressants and have been for years, but if i tell him i'm unhappy with our relationship he says it's down to me being depressed and I need to see a doctor.
He goes through my things/phone constantly. I told him I don't like it, found him doing it last week while I was asleep.
he will quite often stop talking to me, saying there's a problem but no point telling me and he needs to 'put up and shut up' which is how i feel!!
We tried counselling but I really didn't feel like I was being listened to, he just said he has been overprotective cause he is so worried about me all the time and concerned for my wellbeing (I'm 30)
He can be so charming, buying me flowers etc. Everyone else thinks he's amazing but they don't see what he's like at home. He gives me compliments but they almost feel over the top, like they're not genuine.

HELP ME... I feel like I need to leave this man but he can make me feel so guilty at even thinking about it that I just need to know if this behaviour is normal or if i'm being OTT.

enfru Tue 10-May-16 15:24:42

He's tried to have unprotected sex with you, without your consent. If he did that to anyone else you'd call it attempted rape.

brassbrass Tue 10-May-16 15:26:23

are you married?

No none of that behaviour is normal. You need to find a way to leave. Do you have outside support? Can you go to your family? What are your options?

I suspect your depression will vastly improve once you get away from this man!!

enfru Tue 10-May-16 15:26:51

Just because you're his girlfriend doesn't mean he has your consent automatically.
He also sounds very paranoid and controlling. You are not being OTT

chatter010 Tue 10-May-16 15:27:58

yes we are married. Thanks for your replies x

Wolfiefan Tue 10-May-16 15:28:23

He has no respect for you.
He tried to rape you.
He tries to control you.


chatter010 Tue 10-May-16 15:29:05

Its hard because everyone else sees this 'family man' so not many people seem to get where i'm coming from. I do have financial stability which helps.

Seeyounearertime Tue 10-May-16 15:29:18

None of that behaviour is normal, some of it is as far from normal as you can get.

I woke up one night to find him trying to have sex with me without a condom (which we have to use).
So he tried to rape you then? thats not really normal is it?

I think you know the answer OP.

willconcern Tue 10-May-16 15:30:14

Leave. Trying to have sex with you when you're asleep is attempted rape.

And then there's all the other abuse you mention - stone walling, criticism, belittling you, wanting you to drink then criticising you for it. He is destroying your self belief and self worth.

Do you have anywhere to go? Do you have DCs with him?

WriteforFun1 Tue 10-May-16 15:30:46

bloody hell
this is not remotely normal
sounds like he wants a slave

you need to leave ASAP. Get copies of all important docs together first. Can a friend help you leave?

Marchate Tue 10-May-16 15:30:52

Everything you describe is controlling and abusive behaviour

brassbrass Tue 10-May-16 15:31:20

and do you have children to consider?

Wolfiefan Tue 10-May-16 15:32:45

But the image he presents to the world is not how he treats you.
He can be as charming as he likes to strangers. It doesn't change that he treats you like shit.

chatter010 Tue 10-May-16 15:32:49

yes i have children with this man too!! house is mine though.

chatter010 Tue 10-May-16 15:33:21

sorry I know i'm drip-feeding. was rushing to write the OP

ImperialBlether Tue 10-May-16 15:34:24

If you can manage financially, I wonder why you haven't tried to leave before. If I were in your position now I would leave today. I wouldn't stay to be raped and molested and have my mind messed with, too.

Do you have children together?

Jan45 Tue 10-May-16 15:34:42

No none of what you describe is normal and healthy, in fact if I was you I'd get plans in place to get away, he sounds unhinged and sees you as his property, not an actual person but he sounds abnormal anyway.

Sorry but you must know yourself this is not the norm, you really need to contact Women's Aid pronto and get them to help you to leave.

oddsockfairy Tue 10-May-16 15:40:27

That is not normal. That barely even sounds sane...

Making you feel you have to rush upstairs to dress so he doesn't advance unwanted attention on you, and TRYING TO HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX WITH YOU WITHOUT CONSENT? I'm sorry but that is called rape (which does happen in marriage).

Get out, now. Or better, throw him out of your house...

WriteforFun1 Tue 10-May-16 16:15:37

Odd sock, not sure OP can just throw him out of the marital home?

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen Tue 10-May-16 16:19:48

I only read the first few lines of your OP- nothing you describe is normal. Leave.

oddsockfairy Tue 10-May-16 16:21:42

Writeforfun - why not? His behaviour is unacceptable and OP shouldn't be trapped or need to put up with that from anyone, least of all her husband!!

WriteforFun1 Tue 10-May-16 16:24:54

odd, I meant legally - can you just tell a husband or wife to leave the marital home?

Of course I don't think the OP should put up with it but might need to let police know re attempted rape first in order to get a solid legal footing for booting him out?

hugoagogo Tue 10-May-16 16:25:53

Not normal. It's good the house is yours, what else do you need to sort out to get him to leave?

AliceInHinterland Tue 10-May-16 16:28:14

Not even close to normal/acceptable.

oddsockfairy Tue 10-May-16 16:33:40

Hmm good point writeforfun - women's aid would be a good place to start for advice OP, even if it is just a place to start looking for your options

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now