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I love her but she wants a child badly and I dont

(1006 Posts)
user1462882883 Tue 10-May-16 13:33:09

Hi everyone,

I am new here and a male ( bear with me!). I have read this board for a while and wanted to post my story to share and would appreciate your views, especially anyone who can relate to it.

I am in a relationship with an amazing woman who i truly love, and who loves me. We want to be together forever. We have been together for just over a year with one or two splits.

Early on she said she had always wanted children in the near future, and I told her that children have never really been something i have yearned for. We were falling in love and this issue fell to the wayside - for a bit. Then it resurfaced and she hadn't changed her mind at all, it was non-negotiable for her. So i told her i would open my mind to the idea of becoming a father more as i loved her.

Fast forward to now, and she has given me an ultimatum that either i get on board now while she can still have children ( she is 37), or she will look elsewhere or have one on her own. So effectively she is choosing a hypothetical child over her love for me.

I have been to counselling, to explore why i am not paternal, and no matter what i do or try, i just cannot generate a want or a desire for a child of my own, even though i love this woman. It is so heartbreaking to lose her over this, i dont want to lose her. I will never meet another so perfect for me in all other ways.

I just cant seem to get that longing or want for a baby / child. People say once its my own, then it would kick in, but surely you have to have some sort of want on some level to do this?

Please advise as i cannot cope with the thought of losing this woman.

NapQueen Tue 10-May-16 13:35:28

If you love her, then part of that is accepting what she desires. I'm not saying "have a baby with her" - more, accept that she wants a baby and accept that if it isn't you then it will be someone else.

You don't want to lose her. She doesn't want to lose the opportunity to have a baby.

Stop being selfish.

Pinkheart5915 Tue 10-May-16 13:36:46

It is a tough situation for you

Don't let your self be forced in to being a dad if it's not what you want.

Slowdecrease Tue 10-May-16 13:40:07

Its not selfish to not want a child. You can't be perfect for each other in every other way when this massive way you are diametrically opposed. If you stay together and she doesn't have a child she will blame you when its too late. You need to let her go, I think .

user1462882883 Tue 10-May-16 13:40:17

I know deep down that if i went through with this, then everything that happens such as going to antenatal, scans, the birth, shopping for cots etc, everything would be not from a natural desire to do it, but more because it is making her happy and i am happy to still be with her.

I could love a child, but the way my life is now, i am not sad that i am not a father, if that makes sense?

Do you know any men who have gone through with this, and found it tough to adjust once the baby is real?

MattDillonsPants Tue 10-May-16 13:40:42

Nap what a crock! He's not being selfish! He doesn't want a child...he hasn't suggested that he make her stay with him or anything!

OP, it's sad...but that's that. You can't make yourself want a child...and it's wrong to bring a new life into the world in these circumstances.

DottyButtons Tue 10-May-16 13:40:58

Similar type of situation broke down my civil partnership. I never wanted children with another woman, my ex did. Foolishly we thought we could make things work as we loved each other. We couldn't and we had to end it because her desire to have a child was so strong that I couldn't stand in her way.
Sorry you're going through it.

Lottapianos Tue 10-May-16 13:41:57

'I just cant seem to get that longing or want for a baby / child'

There is absolutely nothing wrong with you OP. Not everyone wants to become a parent, and not everybody should become a parent. And don't believe any fairytales about how its 'different' when its your own - there is absolutely no guarantee that would be the case, and it would be utterly miserable for all of you. It sounds like you have tried very hard to imagine being a parent, and you're still left with the feeling that it is just not for you. You can't force it and can't fake it. Many people decide that parenthood isn't for them (myself included), and there are many reasons why. Its not wrong or abnormal or 'selfish' - nice contribution there NapQueen.

What a tough situation for you both to be in. I'm so sorry.

Slowdecrease Tue 10-May-16 13:42:17

Btw I have a daughter who I absolutely adore, she's my world - I did not and still don't have a maternal bone in my body . If you don't have that yearning you just don't

MilkTwoSugarsThanks Tue 10-May-16 13:47:16

You might be perfect in every other way, but you cannot give her what she wants the most. For that reason you need to let her go.

DiggersRest Tue 10-May-16 13:49:18

Well l think if it were me I'd have a dc with her. I'm not maternal, and l have 2 dc who l love very much. Dh would like 3 but l think 2 is a good compromise smile

Could you consider 1 dc and then after they are born (and you know for certain you don't want anymore) get the snip so there's no accidents.

I will be flamed for my ^ comments but that's what I'd do.

Good luck OP. It really is a tough situation.

user1462882883 Tue 10-May-16 13:49:23

Thank you for your replies so far.

I was beginning to think there was something wrong with me, because of the sheer number of times i have heard people say that when you meet somebody who can can imagine spending the rest of your life with, you will want to have a family as you have met the " right woman".

And I so badly wish i was on her page, and we would be planning it all. It is so heartbreaking. She said she can marry me, live together, all the things i have ever wanted, but a child is non negotiable or it is all off.

And the times when im apart from her, i sit alone and think deeply about family life and how it would be. And i can imagine happy scenes, i really can. But, i still cannot summon my own, personal WANT or desire for a child. I want this woman - i know that more than the world itself. But i cannot summon a want for a child with her. And that makes me so sad.

user1462882883 Tue 10-May-16 13:50:24

Diggers , i am afraid that if i have " just one" child with her, if it is something i dont truly want, then if it all goes wrong things would end up terrible.

ComtesseDeSpair Tue 10-May-16 13:51:42

Do you know any men who have gone through with this, and found it tough to adjust once the baby is real?

Yes, several. They wouldn't say they "regret" their actual live DC, but do express sentiments like "constraining" and "wish I had my old life back". A couple have since separated from the mothers of their DC and are, quite frankly, pretty rubbish non-resident dads: I suppose if you weren't particularly fussed about parenthood and all the trappings that come with it, you're less likely to put the effort in once the main reason for your becoming a father (the DC's mother) is no longer in your life. That's somerhing for you to think about as well: babies can place enormous strain on the relationships of even the parents who most desperately wanted them: for you, who didnt, that might turn into resentment and ultimately the end of the relationship anyway.

I think having a baby because you want to keep someone else happy is the wrong thing to do. But you need to decide whether it's something you're willing to do, or, ultimately, let this woman go. Don't string her along with vague "I might change my mind in the future" talk. I'm approaching this from the opposite perspective to you: I'm a single woman with no desire to have children and have dated men who very much want to be fathers. Whilst I'm aware that men don't have the same biological timeframe to bear in mind if they want children, I still make my position known upfront, and have ended it with men because I don't want to take the opportunity of parenthood away from them.

Tiggeryoubastard Tue 10-May-16 13:53:06

You've been together a year, already had a couple of 'split ups'. She's issuing ultimatums. Red flag central. Run. Frankly you'd just be a sperm donor. You may think you love her but this is all wrong.

murphyslaws Tue 10-May-16 13:54:22

Put yourself in her situation.

She was a child more than anything. She can have a child

You don't want children

Why stay together ? She will resent it and you.

If you really love her then let her go.

I wanted children my ex didn't we were together over 5years we split. I couldn't imagin not having a baby.

Me and my hubby of 20 years have a beautiful girl. I would hate of stayed with ex.

I would ended up hating him!

BertPuttocks Tue 10-May-16 13:56:04

"So effectively she is choosing a hypothetical child over her love for me."

Equally she could argue that you would be choosing not having a child over your love for her...

You shouldn't have a child if you don't want to. Apart from anything else, it won't be very nice for the child to grow up knowing that their father never really wanted them.

givepeasachance Tue 10-May-16 13:59:34

You've been together a year, already had a couple of 'split ups'. She's issuing ultimatums. Red flag central. Run. Frankly you'd just be a sperm donor. You may think you love her but this is all wrong.

^ That

ThisIsDedicatedToTheOneILove Tue 10-May-16 14:01:15

I think it's really good that you were both open with each other from the start.

I think it's also really good that you're on here saying, "we've spoken about this and..." rather than, "I don't know how to tell her..."

So you're both clearly good and decent people.

I'm not maternal. I have two children. The last 17 years have flown by as the eldest approaches adulthood (!!!) and I have another 8 years or so at home with the youngest.

It's an amazing adventure, but a huge responsibility.

I am firmly of the opinion that, if I'd had none, I'd have been happy. As it is, I love them both dearly, but I've never wanted children. Or had that yearning for them. Never understood girls who cooed over babies and the like.

My attitude was fairly flexible when I was younger, but I would absolutely have no more. It's a non negotiable for me. There is nothing anyone could say or do to persuade me to have another. And that has been the case since my youngest was born 10 years ago when I was 31.

It's not selfish to not want a child. And there's nothing wrong with you. But I think you are going to have to respect her, yourself, each other enough to say goodbye. People say all sorts of trite nonsense. They sometimes turn them into FB memes, which is even worse!! But it doesn't make them true.

It's not that she's choosing a hypothetical child over her love for you. It's that she's meeting a need that is very important to her. And, as I don't believe in The One, you may both meet and fall in love with someone else who shares your non negotiables.

Tough choice though.

Good luck x

user1462882883 Tue 10-May-16 14:02:01

See the thing is, I have imagined what it would be like to have a child with her, and all the ways my life would change for good.

I have imagined the 3am feeds, the soft play, the doctors trips, school runs, nappy changes all day, the loss of sleep and freedom. And i question if i can do all that. And i question if my love for this woman can get me through all that.

It is a totally different life to what i am used to.

Myself and this woman have not even lived together yet. She wants me to buy a house with her this year, and then start trying for a family within 3 months as " time is not on her side". I am afraid this is moving so fast given we have never lived together before?

Twinklelittlestar1 Tue 10-May-16 14:02:34

I've been here. Was with my ex for 12 years, wishing, waiting, hoping that he'd change his mind. In the end I walked away because I was unfulfilled. It's very hard because although I loved him, I knew I'd never be fully complete with him.

I'm now in a fulfilled relationship and pregnant with my first child and I know I've made the right decisions for me.

Wanting a baby in my thirties felt very different to wanting a baby at twenty. I felt a very physical longing and I started to resent my partner for holding me back.

My ex is now off travelling the world and living the life he wanted. Whilst I was with him I was living that life was only half of my real self. I'm a family girl, a homely girl and I couldn't fulfill that part of myself with him so the relationship died.

I think that the situation is very difficult. It's not because the couple don't love each other but because they want different things but I know from experience that if she were to bury her desire for a baby she would end up resenting you for it.

Having been with my partner for 12 years I knew things would not change. It's hard after just one year because there is still hope that the other person will change their mind. However, I think in your thirties you pretty much know yourself well enough to know that you won't change. There's no easy answer, I think you have to let her go.

goddessofsmallthings Tue 10-May-16 14:03:08

We have been together for just over a year with one or two splits

Couples who "want to be together forever" tend not to split up in the first year. What caused the splits and how long did they last?

What you've described sounds far more like infatuation on your part and while that may develop into lasting love, it's more likely to turn into resentment if you feel pressured into impregnating a woman who is more intent on finding a sperm donor than a lifelong partner.

You've said she's 37 but how old are you, OP?

lottielou7 Tue 10-May-16 14:04:26

Something like this is huge and ime where there is disagreement about this issue its a deal breaker. Let her go.

Pisssssedofff Tue 10-May-16 14:04:34

You need to finish this now, but you know that, it's very selfish to carry on

Primaryteach87 Tue 10-May-16 14:04:50

I feel for you it's a tough situation. My DH wasn't 'broody' and would probably happily not had children, but he didn't not want children either, he just thought they were a foreign species!
Now he is an amazing very hands on father but it helped that all his friends are (good dads) so hasn't 'constrained' his life. We are now having a second that he is looking forward to much more (now he's more confident).

I think you need to decide to I NOT want a child or do I just not feel confident about children and fatherhood. If it's the later have a baby together, if it's the former don't string her along. The loving thing to do is allow her to have a baby without you.

You say she "loves an imaginary baby more than me", I probably felt like that too, but thankfully didn't have to choose. Lots of women love their kids enough to leave someone over (think DV or step dad not getting on). So don't hold that against her. It doesn't mean she doesn't truly love you.

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