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Is it time to end it?(26 Posts)
Hi, long time lurker, I'm in a mess and could do with help... This could be long but here goes....
So I met my husband 6yrs ago after an abusive relationship with my dd father. He has always liked a drink but it wasn't a big problem, we were happy... We had our dd after 2yrs together.
His drinking turned into more of an issue over time, not helped by my depression and anxiety issues.
I had counselling to help my issues around this time, all the time downplaying his drinking and wondering why I was blaming myself and my ex for my issues, dh wasn't blameless though he would say otherwise.
Anyway. The years since then, his drinking was our only problem of note.
I was feeling increasingly unloved, craving affection and getting tired of being responsible for the children, housework, making sure bills were paid (he always contributes fairly on the bills) while both working full time.
I also developed dependence on a common Otc drug during this time.
Anyway, I was away at a work event last year 3 months after we got married. I got very drunk and was taking the otc drugs too. Yes, I ended up in another mans bed.
My husband found out at the start of this yr, we agreed to try work through this but he believes it's 100 percent my fault.
He won't go to counselling, and barely talks until he's drunk and passive aggressive. He is drinking every day for months now, saying its my fault he is and none of this is his fault.
He also wets the bed most nights after drinking, but expects me to sleep with him despite this. I'm in our spare room atm.
I know I did wrong but I've been trying to make amends.
At this point I'm close to leaving, don't know what to do.
Sorry for the long post, please be gentle
I think you know deep down that you need to leave, and to seek help for yourself so you can come back from the stuff you've been through -- I'm guessing there's more, probably a pretty nasty childhood? I'm also worried by your mention of children. For their sake, especially, you should seek support.
(Sorry just reread that and hope it didn't sound too harsh -- you must feel terrible being stuck in this situation, but important for you to know that there are ways out. You aren't stuck. People on here often recommend Women's Aid as a first port of call. Maybe give them a ring and tell them what you've told us?)
The only acceptable level of abuse within a relationship is none.
Yes it is time to leave him and make a new and better life for yourself and your DD without him in it. You simply went from one abusive situation into another this time with an alcoholic. His main relationship is with drink and his thoughts centre in on where the next drink is going to come from. You and your DD are not his main priority.
This is no life for your child to be witnessing either, she must not grow up thinking that this is at all normal.
You are not responsible for him when all is said and done though you probably feel very responsible for him. I would also suggest you read up on co-dependency in relationships and see how much of that fits in with you as well.
Your own depression and anxiety issues likely also stem from your past abusive relationship and your H has simply continued adding to that. It is not your fault that you sought solace elsewhere in pills, drink and another person. Do not keep beating yourself up about doing that, all that was symptomatic of the main problem in your relationship i.e. the behaviours of your current husband.
Apart from seeking legal advice when you are able I would also suggest that you enrol on Womens Aid Freedom Programme because this is for women who have been in abusive relationships. Your relationship template is skewed and perhaps that also started in childhood. What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. That is a question you need to ask yourself also.
I don't feel it's a genuinely bad enough situation to go to women's aid, apart from anything else I've played a major part in how bad things are now
When will it be bad enough? What has to happen? Don't wait until it gets that bad. Believe me, it's plenty bad enough already.
Growing up, my mum was the only one as my father passed away before I was born. I didn't have an abusive childhood but met my ex at 18 and was there near 10yrs. It wasn't awful but was abusive in a few ways
Married under a yr, and my kids will be upset
You have had a hard time; you met your ex when you were 18 and had no life experience behind you. You have gone from one abusive relationship to another abusive one.
Your situation is plenty bad enough for you to be talking to Womens Aid, you are being abused here. You are in a relationship with an alcoholic; his behaviour I argue drove you to try and seek solace elsewhere.
0808 2000 247 is the number for Womens Aid.
Your child is already upset; she is seeing what is akin to a warzone at home rather than a sanctuary.
What do you want to teach these young people about relationships, surely not this example of one?.
You tell him he gets help with the drink or your done.
Yes you fucked up massively BUT he chose to forgive you which means he can not keep throwing it in your face.
You need to take back some control. He doesnt get tondonthis to you just beacuse of what you did.
Inwould tell him. He ethier stops the drink and comes to couples councling to work out hes anger around the cheating or its done he obviously cant move past it. Which is fine but youndesetve to be in a happy relationship.
I'm terrified of ending it, for me, for my kids and pathetically for him.
But I know my anxiety is worse around him. I guess that says a lot.
I know deep down my kids would be better off but they won't see that. I need to step up for me and them
It is not down to the OP to address his drink problem, he has to want to address that himself. He does not want to do so nor does he want to go to counselling.
No decent counsellor would ever see either individual here in the same room together due to his emotional abuse and his alcoholism. Joint counselling is never recommended where there is abuse of any sort within the relationship.
"I'm terrified of ending it, for me, for my kids and pathetically for him".
What is so terrifying about ending this relationship; if you could break this down more then that would help. Your children are seeing this man drunk everyday and being vile towards you (and in turn them).
The second part of your above sentence is also why I also mentioned co-dependency to you; you are likely to be co-dependent.
"But I know my anxiety is worse around him. I guess that says a lot".
Yes it does, a hell of a lot. Your children pick up on all that as well.
"I know deep down my kids would be better off but they won't see that. I need to step up for me and them"
Do not assume that re your children, have you actually asked them?. They probably wonder why you are still with him at all.
You do need to step up but not in the way you are implying by further prostrating yourself.
It is one of your many tasks as a parent that you show them decent life lessons regarding relationships. You are not doing that currently because you are still blaming your own self for his life turning out the way it has. He is a drunkard and has used you as a convenient scapegoat for all his inherent ills.
I don't think it matters how you got to where you are wrt Women's Aid tbh, I think you need some help with your current situation and they are probably the best people to ask, who played what part in creating the problems is neither here nor there. You've said yourself your husband refuses to go to counselling and takes no responsibility for any of the problems, that means you have to be proactive and seek some help or you will just keep going round in circles and perpetuating the damage this relationship is doing to you and, most importantly, your DD.
Yesterday he said "I wasn't going to go for a drink today but you changed my mind" because I said I'm not sleeping in our bed for a while. We then rowed over him saying its my fault him drinking and me saying his drinking is up to him, so he stayed out leaving me to settle kids (youngest is hard work at bedtime) and came home with more drink, I'm just fed up of it, I want to give my kids a good life and this isn't it. Everything revolves around drink. Sometimes I drink too just so he's more bearable ffs! I'm done with that now too and focusing on my children, he's all talk and I think I need to organise myself to split up. Childcare needs to be changed to suit my work So that's my first step
You really need to leave him, he's a raving alcoholic and you are raising our children around this environment. Amazingly he blames you for drinking habit, totally out of order and incorrect, ok, you did wrong, after years of suffering his neglect though! He's now using what you did to beat you about it but also justify his excessive drinking, I don't see how you work this out with his attitude, his drinking has nothing to do with you, it's his choice!
You need to choose now what is best for you and your children, regardless of your own actions, if I was in your situation I'd be getting my children away from it.
Blaming you for his drinking is classic manipulation/control behaviour. You will always be second in his life, with drink being #1. My advice is talk to Women's Aid and plot a course out of there, and stay single for a while as you probably need to work on yourself before you get into another relationship or the pattern could repeat again.
Thank you all. I dream sometimes of being just me and the kids, how much easier it would be overall... Not keeping them quiet while he sleeps it off, keeping them out of the room when the bed is a mess, just enjoying them. It's hard knowing ive messed up again by marrying him, and that my kids will suffer for it but long term, it will be good for them, I know that. It all just seems surreal right now. It's a lot to take in and I'm already fragile
Don't let an alcoholic make you feel like their drinking is your fault. It is their problem to deal with and their issue to solve. He can't project his issues on to you, despite what he tells you.
He had been doing ok before this, but his default with any issues is the pub. That's not my fault and I'm not going to be abused verbally in the middle of the night for a mistake I'm trying to make up for, it's wearing both of us down
So last night he came into me and spent I don't know how long telling me to talk to him, he was drunk and kept telling me it's on me if he dies from drinking. He hit the door and went downstairs eventually muttering abuse about me
Do you feel unsafe? As in, he might hit you or the kids?
No not at all, I just feel uneasy because he will keep doing this, waking me during the night to talk when he's drunk, passive aggressive abuse is a go-to for him... He's not himself anymore and I don't want to be in this life anymore. I've always known drink is his number one, not me or the kids. I had doubts before we married but felt it was too late and that things would get better, which they might have only for my mistake
Jesus, how long are you going to allow this man to continue to abuse you because that is what he is doing, please take steps to get rid of him, he sounds very dangerous and unstable, does he drink and drive too, probably.
You made ONE mistake, he's been fucking up your life for years now, please do something, he will not go, he has it made.
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