Hi everyone
Apologies in advance by the long post but there is a bit of background...
My husband and I are both 39, we have a 4 year old son, both have good jobs, our own home etc. We have had some issues in the past but have managed to work through them and we were in a pretty good place, or so I thought.
He's always known I wanted another child and we had agreed it was an option when it was the right time. A few months ago we took the decision to not actively try to conceive, but not prevent either and let nature take it's course. We agreed that if we had a successful pregnancy (I've had 3 miscarriages in the past and it took quite a long time to conceive our son) by the time I was 40 then great, but if not, we would not try any further and he would have a vasectomy. I was fine with this.
A couple of months later, he hit me with the bombshell that he really doesn't want another child and he is going to speak to the doctor about a vasectomy.... bit of a shock but I figured we both had to want another child and we already have a beautiful son, so I accepted it.
What I didn't realise was that by then I had already fallen pregnant. I'm now 9 weeks along and everything looks fine - I had an early scan the other day.
Well, he has taken it badly and doesn't feel he can cope with another child. I'm not sure if he's trying to guilt trip me into a termination but I have told him that's not an option. I've basically said that this baby exists and I will continue with the pregnancy with or without him. I'd like us to remain a family but if he feels that strongly I have said he has to make the choice about whether he's in or out. He wants time to think and is seriously considering leaving me.... I could half understand if I'd deceived him in some way i.e. stopped taking the pill without telling him etc.
Part of me wants to fight and try to make things work - I'm sure he'll feel differently when the baby is here.
The other part of me thinks I need to put my babies first and I'm better off without someone who would do this.
Any advice? Thanks in advance x
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Relationships
Pregnant with 2nd child and husband thinking of leaving because he doesn't want it!
nannyplum77 · 10/05/2016 10:35
Stick to your guns I wouldn't chase him you deserve someone who wants to be there and support his family. He should of been a 100 percent on board if he wanted to stop using contraception. It was reckless on his part to do this without being fully on board with the possibility of a pregnancy occurring. I hope you get the outcome you want OP 
Congratulations on your pregnancy, best wishes for a healthy and smooth ride!
I'm sorry but this is one of the worst examples of a partner that I've read about on MN for quite some time. I don't even have a word for how much of a tosser he is being.
I think you just have to make it crystal clear to him that you will not be begging him to stay and that his window of opportunity to remove his head from his backside and come to the party is quickly narrowing. Also be honest with him that you aren't even sure you want to be with him any more.
Be kick ass! Tell him (again) that this baby will be born with or without his support. He can of course choose to see his existing DC and not the new baby if he so chooses but that you will expect him to sign over his PR (if it works like this?) and will not want to know when he changes his mind and the child is 5. He also must realise that this approach will have further repercussions when existing DC gets older and realises what a complete arsehole his dad is for denying his second child and disowns him.
Basically, he needs to understand very clearly that he is not calling the shots here and that it's he who will be missing out, NOT you.
If he's normally OK, but is prone to depression, it's possible illness is at the heart of this. This downward slide has happened over the last few weeks, his attitude swings back and forth, he's seems to be ignoring what's going on, he's negative - as someone who has suffered with depression all this resonates with me. It may be chemical, it may be the stress of the new job (or both).
Terrible for you to deal with regardless of the cause. The fact that he has to declare medications to his work is a barrier to seeking help (because he's probably 'catastrophising' as well). I think you have to keep plugging away at getting him to the doctors - making clear that it's a make or break issue for you, and you can't put up with this for much longer.
He may still have the same attitude after treatment, but it's possible you aren't dealing with the 'real' him right now.
I'm very sorry OP but anyone who can react in the way that he is, is a total arse and you will be so much better off without him. He doesn't love you and the reason he doesn't want the child is because it will be an additional tether, preventing him from leaving you and doing his own thing.
My view, from what you've said, is that he could cope with your one DS because he can do whatever he wants but he won't be able to do that with a new baby. I think it's very sad that he doesn't want the child. When you have one already, how can he not love another one?
I'm not sure how you can carry on anyway. If, God forbid, anything should happen to the baby and you did miscarry, how would reconcile yourself to the fact that he was only staying with you because the baby died?
congratulations Good luck
Hi OP
Congratulations on your pregnancy
I've suffered with depression for 10 years and found it v difficult to adjust to finding myself pregnant despite both me and my DH wanting children.
Although your OH's illness could explain him initially finding the pregnancy difficult to adjust to you absolutely musn't allow him to use it an an excuse for his appaling behaviour. Depression is horrible and sometimes it makes us think/feel some dreadful things but we still have to behave like adults and treat others decently, despite how difficult we sometimes find life.
It needs to be made perfectly clear to him that if he makes the decision to leave and not have anything to do with his second child then that decision is final. Ensure he understands his name will not go on the birth certificate and therefore he permanently waives his parental rights to this child.
He needs to make his decision promptly and has no right to leave this hanging over you. However, if you make the (completely understandable) decision that you want him to leave them tell him so and stick to your guns. Regardless of his decision he needs to know that you will not be waiting to welcome him back with open arms and that his behaviour has permanently changed how you see him.
Be strong and good luck.
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What a horrible situation OP...
I did say that even if he leaves, there will still be two children and he can't just be involved with one of them... He said 'well I could....'. I was gobsmacked he would even say this.
I went for an early scan last week (by myself) and he didn't even ask me how it went, I had to bring it up days later before we even talked about it.
If it wasn't for these two comments ^^ I would have given him the benefit of the doubt and said give him some time to get used to the idea but I think he doesn't deserve any benefit of any doubt - he deserves a kick up the butt!
You didn't accidentally get pregnant, nature took its course and if he didn't want that to happen, he should have taken precautions.
I'm not surprised that your feelings towards him have changed... If I was in your position I don't think I would ever get over this behaviour and the things he has said, even if he changed it all around now and became father of the year...
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