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NC with family members - meddlers now circling. What to do?

(10 Posts)
SwearyGodmother Tue 10-May-16 10:15:29

Trying to cut a very long story short. I am NC with my younger sister after she made a malicious accusation about me to the police (classy) which I've written about before. I'd spoken to my mother about concerns in their relationship (weird codependent family, trying to extricate myself from dynamic now) which I had because of some things she'd told mutual friends. They complained to the police about this saying I was harassing them, which I certainly wasn't. I wrote and apologised to them for my unkind behaviour - because it was unkind - and drew a line under the whole thing. This was met with a "thank you" and then loads of chat about their future plans, which I said I wasn't willing to slip into as the relationship wouldn't be a chatty/friendly one for some time.

I haven't ever had a good relationship with that sister, and neither has my older sister, because she's not particularly pleasant (lies, steals, bullies). And had they not made their malicious allegation then we'd be seriously limited in our contact but I'd probably go as far as to saying a polite hello when at family events together. Now I'll not even go that far.

Anyway, we held a party at the weekend and didn't invite her - the child in me thinks that if they think I harassed them I shouldn't contact them at all so shouldn't invite - but had a number of family members speak separately to me and DH telling us how upset my mother is (who I have just, stupidly resumed contact with) and how we should try to fix the relationship. I don't want to do this. I don't trust them, and I don't see why I should be the one to fix things.

The thing is - the extended family don't know why I refuse to have anything to do with her because I'm not into airing dirty linen in public. Naturally a public forum is different in my mind... I'm beginning to wonder whether I should tell them the truth - that she and her partner made up an allegation to the police - or whether to stick with my stiff upper lip "never explain, never apologise" strategy. This has distressed me quite significantly today - my MH suffered greatly after the police phonecall.

Does anyone have experience and suggestions? Sorry for the essay.

TendonQueen Tue 10-May-16 10:21:53

Are you expected to invite family members to any party you have? Were other family members there?

It might be worth telling your mother what went on, but saying you then don't wish to discuss it any further or debate who was right/wrong, you've just told her so that she's in the know about why you made this NC decision.

GoodStuffAnnie Tue 10-May-16 10:31:35

I hate meddlers.

It always makes me think when do I do that. Have I ever poked my nose in. Ramble.

The thing is if you explain the issue I find you can look like a loon. It's so tough.

What about saying there's always two sides to every story, my sister did something very unkind and I find it hard to trust her now. Which is the truth, but simple.

Toxic people are the worst.


SwearyGodmother Tue 10-May-16 10:40:37

Tendon it was a bit of a family get together so lots of family were there.

My mother knows all of the ins and outs of the NC decision but she will always protect my younger sister so is likely to present it to the people she discusses it with as my responsibility - seems like a drip feed, sorry, was trying to keep it brief. I worry/wonder whether she's realised it's not a "phase" and as such is getting the bigger guns out now.

GoodStuff - this whole thing blew up because I meddled. Learned my fucking lesson, that's for sure.

The "incident" happened years ago and I thought I'd got past it but it's all that's in my headspace today. I am sick to death of it.

RaptorInaPorkPieHat Tue 10-May-16 10:44:41

I think you need to find a way to shut them down as soon as they attempt to bring it up.

"I'm sorry, it's not up for discussion"
"I don't really want to talk about it"
"We have our reasons, I'm not going to get into it with you"

Meddlers are so frustrating because they think they're helping but they're not flowers

RaptorInaPorkPieHat Tue 10-May-16 10:47:58

cross posted there....... I'm not lumping you in with the meddlers sweary [smile}

RaptorInaPorkPieHat Tue 10-May-16 10:48:52

and now I can't do smiles smile

TendonQueen Tue 10-May-16 10:56:04

Ah, well if your mother knows the score, she needs to respect your decision. Use Rapt's suggestions and shut it down. And no, you don't have to fix it. And for anyone else I'd say 'There is always more to these things than people outside the situation realise. But that's how it is and I'm not going to discuss it'.

AttilaTheMeerkat Tue 10-May-16 11:06:43

Such meddling types are also called "flying monkeys" often sent in by the toxic person to do their bidding for them, they are easily manipulated. These people do not act in your best interests at all and should be ignored by you.

SwearyGodmother Tue 10-May-16 15:35:08

Thanks for the suggested shut downs - really polite but firm. I get flustered trying to be assertive so tend to run away.

I'd heard the terms flying monkeys before, but hadn't applied that here. I think they're only being fed the mother version of things so not sure they're at fault per se, but it's really something they should leave well alone. The thing that's stupid is that the older generation of the family have plenty of fractured sibling relationships but they don't meddle there.

I sent my mother an email asking why these people thought it appropriate to interfere - not probably the most sensible move but it made me feel a bit better. Back to NC now I think - at least I found out she was still up to her games immediately rather than after more months of hurt.

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