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boyfriend doing drugs while I'm pregnant:(

(50 Posts)
u8tvgirl Tue 10-May-16 05:48:33

hi everyone. so this might be a bit of a long story but I really really need some advice. I am 27 years old and my bf is 29. I am 13 weeks pregnant and this is the first baby for either of us. this pregnancy was a surprise, but one that I was very happy about but things aren't going as planned. 2 months ago my boyfriend was laid off from his job and moved in with a friend of his. I also started a new job and have my own place but travel down to where he is for work because our plans were to move to the city and get a place together for us and the baby. the problem is he is putting barely any effort into finding employment saying that this job doesn't offer enough, or this means he'd work away for periods of time etc etc. just always seems to be an excuse while he is on EI and working under the table with odd jobs. however, he never seems to have any money. a couple of days ago I went into his room to change for work and found a rolled up bill and leftover white powder on his dresser sad he had used cocaine in the past but had promised to change with the pregnancy and the new baby. plus added to the fact that he barely has any money and asks ME to lend money to him, I have just been furious over this. he is cranky all of the time now. tells me I'm annoying, has no interest in the baby other than to say things like he will take me to court if I leave him and spends most of the time lecturing me on the most random things. this isn't the man that I knew before and he seems to have gotten worse with the pregnancy sad sad we are both from the other side of the country and that's where all of our family is. I have brought up to him about going home so the baby would have grandparents and aunts and uncles around because family is very important to me. he shoots the idea down without even considering it and says if I go he will take me to court once the baby is here. my family wants me to come home at all costs and deep down that's all I want to do. to go home and have the best life possible for my little one. I was not brought up in an atmosphere of drugs and just scraping by borrowing money from.people and I don't want that for this baby. I work hard and always . my mother has even offered to move in with the baby and I so we would all have a nice home and I wouldn't be alone, but there is a part of me that thinks my bf will smarten up once the baby is here and that I will someday regret leaving the father of my child and raising this baby on my own with no father in its life. i think of how i will.somehow be turned into the bad guy by him and his family. I always thought I would enjoy my pregnancy but anytime I bring up anything like buying a nice crib or having a baby shower he tells me I'm being spoiled and a princess because his family was brought up with nothing and that I don't need all of this nice stuff when all I want is a good and normal life for me and my baby sad I just feel so alone and I guess I'm asking this not because I don't know the answer but because I'm scared it's just my hormones and emotions making me crazy and over sensitive. I find it hard to even talk to him anymore after the way he has been acting. it's like Dr jekyll and Mr Hyde. sad

Squeegle Tue 10-May-16 05:52:46

Yes. You're right. Go home to your family.

Mrsfluff Tue 10-May-16 05:59:53

Go home to your family, I think being apart from your boyfriend will really open your eyes to what he's really like. Please don't waste your life waiting for him to change - if having a baby on its way hasn't given him a kick up the backside, what can you do?

MassiveStrumpet Tue 10-May-16 06:02:26

He's not going to smarten up when the baby comes.

He's trying to control you with threats of court. He probably won't bother come the time. And so what if he does?

tribpot Tue 10-May-16 06:05:40

How does he propose to take you to court? Does he think it's the 1920s where a father can sue for sole custody merely because he is male? (Even then you would need to be married). I would move now, establish residency where you want to be, as it's pretty clear this guy is going to be no use to you or the baby once it arrives.

You've got a good few months to get yourself set up, make the most of these. Forget about worrying about being painted as the bad guy, he will say whatever he wants regardless of what you do. Worry about living with a drug user and tax dodger. Maybe he will clean up his act when the baby's here, but what if he doesn't? Act defensively now in your own interests, he can demonstrate how much he's changed after the baby comes if he chooses to.

MerilwenRose Tue 10-May-16 06:13:22

Go home - it sounds like you have a supportive family. You know that your child deserves better!

Marilynsbigsister Tue 10-May-16 06:14:56

Unplanned babies are rarely a happy surprise for men. Regardless of what they say, their actions often show their true feelings. It is the one situation where they have absolutely no say and no control over the rest of their lives. Yes, it's true, that if they don't want to run the risk of fatherhood they shouldn't have sex. Sadly they only realise this when 'an accident' happens.
You have all the choices. The first being to keep or abort the baby. All is with you. He can offer opinions but if he isn't a total bastard and knows you want to keep it, only a git would pressure to abort. Even then it's unlikely to have any influence.

I say all the above so that you understand that whilst you are obviously delighted about your pg, the same delight cannot be expected from someone who has had their choices taken away by fate. This may explain his twattish behaviour.

You have made the decision to go ahead with the pregnancy, Now is not the time to stop making those decisions. You must assume that he is not on board with this and as such start making the best decisions for you and your baby. In this case it is without doubt for you to be back near to/living with family, away from a drug abuser.

If he is really ready for family he will move heaven and earth to move to be with you. There will be no drugs involved and he would be saving every penny for his family.Anything less is less than you need and has no place in you and your child's life.,

u8tvgirl Tue 10-May-16 06:29:12

yes you're right. but even before I was pregnant he spoke about wanting a baby and a family. told me I am going to be the best mother he could have asked for for a baby and all this crap that obviously doesn't mean anything. we talked and talked after I found out and he told me the decision was ultimately mine but he would be behind me no matter what and do all he could to provide a nice and comfortable life. now fast forward 2 months and this is what I'm left with sad I understand if he feels I'm ruining his life but to be manipulated and lied to, told all of this wonderful stuff only to be lied to and let down. I wasn't trying to trap him with a baby or make this all about me. but now that things have progressed I want this baby and a good life . he hasn't had his choices taken away by anyone. he could have said something in the beginning or said something now instead of placing me in this situation where he acts sh*tty and makes me feel guilty to want to do the right thing if he doesn't want to be there to begin with, why put me in the position to make this choice sad he brags and goes on to all his family back home about being a father while doing absolutely nothing that a father would do. I'm so sorry for this rant but I am so depressed and down on myself cause of how he acts and things he says. his family.is going to think I just abandoned him and went home because they don't know what he's been doing. he acts like he wants nothing to do with this then threatens court. I feel he just wants to control everything without contributing at all sad

MyBreadIsEggy Tue 10-May-16 06:55:36

The threat of court is a very empty one IMO.
No one in their right mind would give custody of a baby to an unemployed drug user - so don't let that threat scare you into staying.
The fact that he and his family "grew up with nothing" doesn't mean you aren't allowed to want nice things for your baby.
Go home to your family. Buy the nice crib you want. Have your baby shower with the people who love you. Your mum sounds like she is going to be the best source of emotional and practical support for you right now smile

nagsandovalballs Tue 10-May-16 07:02:25

Do not put him on the birth certificate and he will have minimal to no parental rights. I know this sounds harsh, but there are so many women a few years down the line from you facing issues with moving house, moving abroad, changing or choosing schools, making decisions about DC health - all obstructed or made complicated by a crap father who doesn't actually care about doing the grunt work of child rearing but wants to use the DC to bolster his image or to increase his control of an ex.

He has chosen this path by being a near abusive, out of control immature twat. If he shapes up later on, I'm sure you will facilitate all the contact that he deserves/needs. But don't give an undeserving git unnecessary power through the birth cert.

nagsandovalballs Tue 10-May-16 07:03:00

Oh and go home to your mum! He won't help provide, she will - no brainer!

Becoolio Tue 10-May-16 07:03:33

The way he is treating you is appalling. You are very insightful about what's happening. Now you need to act. It is completely normal to want the best for your baby and he is trying to shame you Into thinking it's not and bring you down to his scummy level. You need your family and I think you should make plans to leave asap.

TheNotoriousPMT Tue 10-May-16 07:18:04

i am so depressed and down on myself because of how he acts and things he says

flowers Pregnancy or no, this is more than enough reason to leave.

Have you ever felt physically unsafe around him in any way?

ptumbi Tue 10-May-16 07:24:43

* he brags and goes on to all his family back home about being a father while doing absolutely nothing that a father would do* - this WILL NOT change once the baby is here! You will end up doing everything, work, cleaning, making a nice hime, whilst he does drugs and spends all his money on that. And he will still tell everyone he knows what a great father he is.

If his parents want to be grandparents to your child, you will be able to tell tham why you left him. He can say what he likes, but you know the truth, and your child will not be harmed by not having a skint, druggie wastrell for a father.

JonSnowsBeardClippings Tue 10-May-16 07:27:45

Leave! Run far far away. If he's like this now he will only get worse. I'm sorry this has happened but for gods sake don't cling on just because you're pregnant.

u8tvgirl Tue 10-May-16 07:28:25

I don't feel unsafe around him but at the same time I don't trust him. when I was 24 I left an abusive boyfriend of 4 years who actually physically abused me and put me in a shelter so I kind of always have that fear. but my bf now has never hit me but he's very jealous and he often brings up my ex that abused me in cruel ways to make himself look good. I did a lot of reading back when I was in the women's shelter and I can see a lot of signs of emotional abuse with my current bf lately. I never thought I would fall for another a**hole after what I went through. I swore up and down to stay single until I found a good one and I did til I met this guy who is turning out to be nothing like he seemed to be. we have been together for a year. he claims to have done all of these wonderful things for his exes and even was with a girl that had a kid and talks about how he did all of this stuff for the kid and how much he loved the kid and the more he talks about that the more worthless I feel that I'm carrying his child and he doesn't act like that at all sad

magoria Tue 10-May-16 07:31:04

It is much easier to go home and make the break now rather than when a child is here and he can make you life much more difficult.

He can step up anytime however I wouldn't suggest holding your breath.

He can't even lay off the drugs for 13 weeks no way is he going to manage 9 months or 18+ years.

Use the time now to sort yourself out for you and the baby. Make plans to be a single parent.

If possible unless you have a very strong relationship with your DM try to do it yourself with her as a back up plan rather than a major contributor. If you don't have as nice a place but yours I think that would be better.

u8tvgirl Tue 10-May-16 07:33:51

I know what I have to do. it's just been a difficult day because I have started to put my plan into motion to go home by asking a friend to help move some of my stuff across the country. I know this is for the best it just doesn't make it any easier sad I always think that he could be worse and not be involved at all but really his involvement right now is making me feel worse than if he wasn't there at all. I haven't told him I am leaving yet because he has already made it clear he thinks I'm being selfish by wanting to go home. going to shut my phone off and deactivate my Facebook for a bit to avoid the backlash I'm sure I'll be getting from his friends and family . wish me luck !! ♡

magoria Tue 10-May-16 07:35:15

He probably did jack shit for the others. Just like he does for you.

Don't think he treats you different. He just talks the big talk exactly like he is with his family and being a sad now.

Why do you think they are ex girlfriends otherwise?

He is vile and you can see he is abusive. Get away now.

Don't take this the wrong way however is 13 weeks too late to consider other options do you do not tie your life to this wasteral for ever?

ptumbi Tue 10-May-16 07:35:49

How much he 'loved' the kid?

How much does he see his kid now?
How much does he pay in maintenance?
Does he do anything for his kid?

Or is it all words? I reckon he is telling you what a great dad he is, without actually knowing so much more than its name! Bet he doesn't know what class it is in at school!

I bet he is NOT a great dad, but it is very easy to spout lots of words.

magoria Tue 10-May-16 07:37:01

Sorry phone did wierd things. Hope you got the jist.

You are doing the right thing. It is hard when you care for someone though.

Cluesue Tue 10-May-16 07:38:51

Exactly what nags said,I put my dds dad on birth certificate and it was the worst thing I ever did,I would go home to family in your situation.

u8tvgirl Tue 10-May-16 07:40:45

after not even thinking I could have a baby, there is no way I will give this little one up. I've already seen him or her and heard the heartbeat ♡ my family is thrilled and so am I, other than this crap going on. I don't feel he will be much of a threat to be tied to forever. he'll be on the other side of the country and won't leave and I don't think he has the interest to pursue things. my mom said the same thing about the exes. and I've felt it too. he probably goes on to people about all he does for me too lol it is just unreal the amount of smoke someone can blow up your a** with how great of a person they are. my family just adored him for awhile the way he spoke. they all thought he was just heaven sent and I had better not mess it up. if only I saw the future!

u8tvgirl Tue 10-May-16 07:41:53

he wasn't his exes kids dad. he dated her and she had a kid already but no he has no contact with the kid now or knows anything about it. so really, how close could he have been

magoria Tue 10-May-16 07:47:09

Hope I didn't upset you with the suggestion.

Do what is right for you and the baby.

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