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he called me a bad mum

(32 Posts)
knightsmum Mon 09-May-16 22:14:44

DH and I have been together for a couple years and have a baby. We have different parenting styles. For example he sets special time for the baby to learn and sit and I think it should come more naturally and should not be forced. When I feel sorry for the baby and tell him to stop he thinks I am saying he is a bad father and he is not. He then a couple of days ago said he doesn't want to have anymore babies with me because I am a bad mother for example I don't wash his face in the morning, I wait until night to bath him. He said I don't have mother instinct because when I am out at the doctors I can't telepathically tell my baby is crying at home. He is a great helpful husband and father and very involved but after this last fight we have both said things and our relationship seems to be breaking because we don't have similar parenting skills. He doesn't want to read books to find a common parenting style. I don't know what to do.....???and I feel very hurt because DH thinks I am a bad mum. I don't mean to make him feel like a bad dad but I can't help reacting the way I do by telling him to stop when my baby cries.

LogicalThinking Mon 09-May-16 22:31:01

Has he actually told you he thinks you're a bad mum or have you come to that conclusion based on other things he has said?

You can parent differently. It's ok to do things different ways - most couples do. There isn't one ultimate way. Kids benefit from different styles of parenting.
He doesn't need to read any books if he doesn't want to.
Stop criticising each other and notice the good things he does.

gamerchick Mon 09-May-16 22:34:33

The first thought I had is that he's a right weirdo hmm he's saying you have no instinct because you're not telepathic?

He's right, have no more babies with him but not for his reasons.

merville Mon 09-May-16 22:35:05

"He said I don't have mother instinct because when I am out at the doctors I can't telepathically tell my baby is crying at home".

Stage 3 nutter detected (him, not you obviously).

mummyto2monkeys Mon 09-May-16 22:36:16

I'm sorry but I would be saying that you don't want to have another child with someone who wants to bully his wife and emotionally abuses her telling her that she is an awful Mother and listing the reasons why.

Reasons why you are a bad husband/ father

1. Babies should not be bullied into making their milestones on the timetable their father has set for them. especially if it is to the extent that you are wanting to intervene because you feel bad for your son (those are your maternal instincts kicking in and they are very rarely wrong!)

2. Husband's should not be listing all of your supposed faults as a Mother! Your baby was bathed at bedtime, which means unless he has been sick/spit up his little face is very likely still clean in the morning! As for bath time, that is meant to be in the evening as part of your sons bedtime routine. And seriously, ask him to list the Times that your son has cried throughout the day whilst he is out at work. You can even record the time with your mobile and see how psychic he is.

You are a brilliant Mother and you deserve better than this nasty bully putting you down and making you question your abilities as a Mother. Be careful as he is emotionally abusive at the moment and I would not put it past him turning violent.

This is not a clash of parenting styles, this is a manipulative bully trying to destroy your self esteem. He sounds like a narcissist to me. A loving husband would never make you feel the way your husband is. He would be in awe of the woman who had brought his child into the world and was raising him with gentleness and love

Misnomer Mon 09-May-16 22:37:34

How did he arrive at his parenting technique, OP? Is it something he read about or did he make it up? It sounds a bit made up. Babies don't need formal teaching. They learning by watching and interacting. He does sound very rigid and uncompromising, which is a problem - more so than having differing opinions. Is he like this in other areas of your lives? Does he compromise or does he need to have things his way?

BastardGoDarkly Mon 09-May-16 22:38:18

How old is the baby?

HeddaGarbled Mon 09-May-16 23:28:41

He should not be forcing a baby to sit before it is ready.

It is bonkers to expect you to telepathically know when your baby is crying when you are not there.

He sounds unhinged.

Seriously, it's not just different parenting styles. He is ignorant and weird. You are right, he is wrong. You are not a bad mum. He is a bad dad.

You need some intervention. Talk to your GP or health visitor. Are there any parenting classes available locally? Has he read any parenting books? He needs to hear this from professionals as he's not listening to you.

merville Tue 10-May-16 08:11:50

OP posters here have given you excellent feedback.

Mummyto2monkeys - "And seriously, ask him to list the Times that your son has cried throughout the day whilst he is out at work. You can even record the time with your mobile and see how psychic he is".
.... I have a feeling knightsmum's husband believes that only mothers are supposed to have psychic abilities re. their babies crying outside all human hearing distances.

TendonQueen Tue 10-May-16 08:17:08

He's saying that to get back at you because you've disagreed with him. Agree that knowing when your baby is crying at home is bonkers. Don't take any notice of him.

ThisIsDedicatedToTheOneILove Tue 10-May-16 08:38:37

Did he actually say that you should telepathically be able to tell when your baby was crying if you were out of the house? Did he really mean it? Or were you out for longer than either of you expected (e.g. "my appointment is at 10, I'll be back by quarter to 11" when you didn't get into the dr until 11.20 - as at my surgery!) and he was just feeling stressed out/worried/harangued with a crying baby he couldn't settle and just said, "but didn't you know he'd be crying?!" And might have realised it was completely unreasonable after the fact?

You should be wiping/washing your baby's face in the morning. Just as you would wash your own. Water and a face cloth/cotton wool will do, but it's important to establish these norms.

It's fine to have different parenting styles. My exh and I both do things that grate on the other. But, in most things, neither of us are 'right'. It's more just that we do things differently and we, obviously, think our own way is the right way, which is why we do it like that.

I'm reluctant to just jump on the "he's in the wrong" by virtue of the fact he's a man and you're a woman and start calling him 'unhinged'.

Having a baby is hard. He might have really taken on board the 'milestones' messages and not realise that babies/children just develop these naturally in many cases. He might be worried about the baby not making the 'progress' he should.

I know that with my first, I was very conscious about 'milestones'. But I was young and worried other people would think I was a bad mother if my son didn't reach his milestones. By the time the second one came along, I didn't care one hoot.

LogicalThinking Tue 10-May-16 09:59:23

Reasons why you are a bad husband/ father

Husband's should not be listing all of your supposed faults as a Mother!

So it's ok for her to criticise him (because he is obviously wrong) but if he criticises her, that is also wrong!
She can tell him he is wrong for encouraging baby to sit but woe betide him if he suggests baby's face should be washed on a morning!
Without knowing the age of the baby, I couldn't even offer an opinion on this.
I didn't try to get my 5 week old to sit on the floor but I did when he was 5 months - surely everyone sits their baby on the floor surrounded by cushions. You sit your baby on your lap from as soon as they can hold their head.
And I did wash my baby's face on a morning when I changed him. A simple wipe with damp cotton wool. It just cleaned up any dribble that might cause soreness.

It's really unclear from the OP, whether he has actually said she is a bad mum, it sounds like they are very critical of each other and aren't able to communicate very well. You think that he thinks you are a bad mum because of the way he criticises things you do. He thinks that you think he is a bad dad because of the way you criticise things he does.
after this last fight we have both said things
You lose your right to complain about things that he says to you when you both behave in exactly the same way.

The relationship doesn't sound good, but it doesn't sound like it's all his fault.

knightsmum Tue 10-May-16 13:23:17

Thanks for the help, it's good to know that we can have different parenting styles to raise a child. My baby was 4 months when he was sitting him and now he is 5 months. He did call me a bad mother with no maternal instincts and gave these examples as to why he thinks so. And said he wants no more kids but he might change his mind. I think he is just giving silly reasons to call me a bad mum because he feels that I think he is a bad dad when I react to the way he sometimes parents our baby. I can't help the way I react when my child seems stressed.I don't think he is a bad bad we have discussed this but he still gets hurt. I am trying to find a solution because I suggested reading books or parent classes and he doesn't want. Thanks for advice,I saw a Heathcare visitor today and about to register to go to meetings alone maybe they will help me.Maybe they can eventually talk to him.Overall I was pretty happy he is helpful and loves to play with the baby. It is the parenting styles that are causing the problems and hurt feelings. I am out of ideas.

knightsmum Tue 10-May-16 13:35:37

Misnomer he came up with his own parenting style from what he has observed with his siblings babies.

twocultures Tue 10-May-16 13:38:15

The health visitor thing is a good idea.
I was going to suggest that, maybe he can be there at the six month check up? You can speak to your HV beforehand and just mention the issue and ask if she could maybe talk about how babies do things at their own pace etc?
Me and OH have quite similar values when it comes to our DC but he puts him to bed differently than me. Sometimes it doesn't work and I have to go up and settle him again but I just let him do it as he works long hours and sometimes tucking DC in bed is the only thing he can do after he gets home from work so I don't mention it.
We do talk about how we do things and sometimes we're on the same page yet again sometimes we have to compromise. It's all a part of it when both parents want to be well involved (better than OH not caring at all) .

knightsmum Tue 10-May-16 13:40:01

Misnomer he compromises in other aspects of the relationship. And now that I am unhappy with the way he is teaching him to sit he said he would leave it all to me. I love that he is an involved dad and want to find a way to keep him involved without the baby being stressed and crying.

knightsmum Tue 10-May-16 13:42:28

Good idea twocultures I will ask him to attend 6 month check up, thanks

knightsmum Tue 10-May-16 13:55:53

Logicalthinker I am not saying it is all his fault, I would have left him parent his way if I didn't see it as stressing the baby. I am trying to start bottle feeding the baby,so I do it a little everyday. He wanted to give him a full bottle the first day even though the baby is not used to it and started coughing. I am afraid he might start chocking so I stop him.this is an example of the last fight. So he got hurt thinking I am saying he is hurting and doesn't love his child and left it all to me.

CharliAliciaLuke Tue 10-May-16 14:00:20

Is he being serious!? You aren't a bad mother at all. How could somebody say that to the mother of their child unless they had actually don't something wrong. He sounds crackers to me.

KP86 Tue 10-May-16 14:41:25

Why do you need to wash the baby's face in the morning? I don't, DS has only just been bathed 12 hours before.

I don't wash my own face more than once per day either.

ThisIsDedicatedToTheOneILove Tue 10-May-16 14:44:59

Why do you need to wash the baby's face in the morning?

Seriously?

Dribble that runs down into the folds underneath their chin/neck and goes sore/smells.

Sleep in the corner of their eyes.

Little bits of milk that might have been sicked up and dried around their mouth/on their cheek in the night.

A wipe with a damp flannel is hardly an effort...

sphinxster Tue 10-May-16 14:49:07

I have a lot of male friends that feel sidelined and have had their parenting heavily controlled by their partners. It does affect the father when they feel they're getting parenting so very wrong.

Did you take the baby away during his special time or did you suggest that the baby is getting tired so why doesn't he try cuddling him for a while?

This special time: there's nothing wrong with a few periods of intensive interaction and encouraging sitting/rolling etc in a 4 month old. You might not want to do it but let the father do his thing!

He shouldn't throw insults about. He's wrong for that.

ManonLescaut Tue 10-May-16 14:54:22

Teaching a baby to sit? Bottle-feeding until he chokes?

I don't know if he's thick or bonkers or both, he sounds actively dangerous.

twocultures Tue 10-May-16 15:15:18

The bottle feeding sounds a bit concerning...who has he seen doing that?
What about when it comes to weaning will he just make a steak dinner and expect your DC to eat it? (I know that's OTT)
Everything's a gradual process, when I was switching from expressed milk to formula I did it over a week I started with 25%formula and 75%my milk and gradually changed the amounts so he would get used to it and he still had funny nappies!
You said he developed his own way of parenting from watching his siblings DCs but have any of them actually done that or is he just being impulsive and or impatient?

CharliAliciaLuke Tue 10-May-16 15:21:50

I'm sure if her baby seemed dirty or smelled funny she would clean him. He needs to be more understandingredients and not expect you to perform magic tricks.. quite literally. I'd say sitting and discussing this properly would seriously help. Seems like your both kinda playing tug of war and a happy medium needs to be reached!

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