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Friend completely brainwashed by abusive ex partner

(13 Posts)
coveredinsnot Mon 09-May-16 14:25:38

Awful situation. I need pointers for anything she can read that might help her see sense

This guy has beaten her black and blue, he absolutely definitely has a personality disorder, he's a compulsive liar, misogynistic, violent. They have a child together. She seems to believe that he can somehow 'get better' and then they'll be able to have a child together and live happily ever after.

My friend used to be strong, a clear thinker, so caring,curious and thoughtful. Now the light has gone out of her eyes, she is skinny as hell, suddenly wrinkly, a shell of her former self.

What can I do?! She keeps telling me 'he is moving out by X date' then he never does.

She protects and defends him at every turn.

He's ruining her life.

Help!

coveredinsnot Mon 09-May-16 14:26:25

*be able to have another child together. They already have a child who is 3.

LitteRedSparkle Mon 09-May-16 14:30:25

In my limited experience, all you can do is be there for her when she needs you.

Dont badger her, she knows how you feel - if you say him or me, she will choose him and then she is isolated (what he wants)

AnyFucker Mon 09-May-16 14:32:48

Have you considered reporting to social services as a safeguarding issue ?. She may not be able or willing to protect herself but someone should be protecting that child.

coveredinsnot Mon 09-May-16 14:39:02

Yes I am communicating with her brother about this at the moment. The police have been involved. However I'm not sure how they link with social services. She is denying the severity of everything so it is hard for services to help.

goddessofsmallthings Mon 09-May-16 15:04:19

You haven't said how old he is but men like him don't turn into abusive monsters overnight and, as it's possible he's got form, I suggest you invoke Clare's Law if for no other reason than it being a way of alerting local police to a case of dv on their patch: www.telegraph.co.uk/women/womens-life/11369454/Clares-Law-Find-out-if-your-partner-has-a-history-of-abuse.html

I also second AF's suggestion as someone does indeed need to be looking out for the 3yo dc who is no doubt present, albeit possibly asleep, when your friend is being beaten up. If you were to make an anonymous call to the NSPCC they will alert the relevant Child Services department who, in turn, may visit or write to your friend but, should she ask, you will at least be able to look her in the eye and deny contacting CS/SS without holding too many fingers crossed behind your back. www.nspcc.org.uk/what-you-can-do/report-abuse/

I would also suggest you locate your friend's nearest Women's Aid service here
www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/ and give your friend the number, or keep it handy in the event that she can be persuaded to call.

She protects and defends him at every turn

Other than the above, while she remains enamoured of her abuser there's nothing you can do except 'be there', as it were, for her and hope she'll see the light before she has another dc by him - as Sparkle has said, don't pressure her otherwise she may stop confiding in you.

goddessofsmallthings Mon 09-May-16 15:26:11

Cross posted.

If the police are called out to an incident of suspected dv where a child is present a report is automatically sent to the relevant SS department, but whether they ''link'' to SS on the basis of information put before them by a third party may, effectively, be left to the discretion of whatever officer(s) deals with the matter.

If the dc is attending a nursery the staff may be able to make informed comment to the police/SS on your friend's physical appearance (i.e visible bruising) and demeanour as well as the dc's health and behaviour.

It's good to know that her db is also concerned for your friend, and for his dn, and I sincerely hope that your concerted efforts don't cause her to cease contact with you.

springydaffs Mon 09-May-16 19:56:31

You call SSL and add your evidence to the bank of evidence. It's anonymous so she won't know who's making the claims. Social Services will protect you because he is so violent.

She may be addicted to him but that child needs protecting. That is, out of that home.

springydaffs Mon 09-May-16 20:02:31

You can give her a copy of this book. Actually, it may not be a good idea for her to have it in the home but at least you could read it, making you more informed, and perhaps she could read it at yours (I know that's crap but needs must).

Also tell her about the Freedom Programme - find a local course here. Maybe you could go with her to the first session?

She is addicted to him and she's got it baaaad. yy he established that addiction but it's up to her to address it. It's not easy. I'm sorry to say she may never face it sad

BUT that kid needs to be safe. Like, now.

springydaffs Mon 09-May-16 20:09:47

You call SS (sorry, drat auto correct)

coveredinsnot Tue 10-May-16 06:28:22

Thank you all. Really great advice. I'm working hard on all this stuff now!

psicat Tue 10-May-16 07:05:10

Everything goddessofsmallthings said - it's very hard to understand why someone would stay in such a relationship but that's the controlling nature of them. The abuser will continuously undermine their victim's decisions, make them question their own thoughts and relationships with other people and make them believe they (the abuser) is the only one they can trust. It's mental control as much if not more than the physical.
As said above Claire's law can help some women break free of that control by seeing he has done the same to others - that's if he's been caught of course but I would say the reporting for these things is much better than used to be by the authorities even if the victim won't report it.
I'd also agree don't push her on this, she has to come to it in her own time but you can be there for her and encourage her in other ways - by encouraging thinking for herself and ensuring she knows you always have her back at any time.
It's likely that he won't like her to have that kind of relationship with anyone and may try to stop her from seeing you so be prepared.
It's especially hard when there's a child, even if he is not harming her (yet) she will be witness to it all which is really damaging in itself. There's some info here: www.rcpsych.ac.uk/healthadvice/parentsandyouthinfo/parentscarers/domesticviolence.aspx?theme=mobile

I hope it works out for you all, these things can take years if ever - but you say he's "ex"? So they've technically split? If that was her decision at least she has made a step in the right direction - the point of escaping a DV relationship is the hardest, and most dangerous

coveredinsnot Tue 10-May-16 19:44:35

That is really interesting and helpful thank you.

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