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Do all sons turn into their fathers? (long rant sorry..)

(7 Posts)
Wildwillow Mon 09-May-16 11:56:09

Am struggling this morning. 2 of my 3 sons have visited their dad this weekend (we are divorced 2 years) and whenever they return I feel waves of resentment threatening to overwhelm me and cloud every line of conversation with them. DD refuses to visit exH - this was not the case initially after breakup - but without me present to stand her corner she was just overwhelmed and sidelined by male chauvinist father and brainless boys. After a few weekends of her phoning me up in tears to come and collect her early she decided to stop going. Situation not helped by exH refusing to pay maintenance and then giving kids 40 quid each pocket money - so no incentive for them to get Saturday job in our new home town. Oldest son of 23 lives with father - they do all have a laugh and agree what a lemon exH is on occasions but as I am the one that has pushed for everything positive in their lives I find myself seething with fury - struggling to work without crying - when I know this is exactly what exH would be delighted to hear. Fed up being single - strapped for cash - no end in sight. sad support please x

Tiggeryoubastard Mon 09-May-16 12:00:55

If he's not paying maintenance then go through the csa or whatever name they're currently using. That's your decision.
And no, they are different people. Do all girls turn into their motherconfused
You sound like you don't like your sons.

Isetan Mon 09-May-16 12:23:47

How old are your children? Your sons having a arse for a father doesn't automatically mean they will turn out like him but dismissing their behaviour as brainless, does give the impression that they aren't responsible for their behaviour, when they are.

Stop focussing on the things you can't control and focus on the things you can. They live with you which means you set the boundaries in your home and 40 quid surely doesn't cover the expenses of a 23 year old and probably pails into significance to the costs that you incur by them living with you. You have at least one adult child and I suspect the cushy time at home is more of a discouragement to finding work, that 40 quid.

You do yourself and your sons no favours by comparing them to their father because it lets them off the hook when you don't hold them accountable for their behaviour.

Wildwillow Mon 09-May-16 12:30:39

Tiggery - I do love my boys - of course I do!! - the two that live with me are 17 year old twins and have done so well at new school in new town - Its just that their father is such a poor role model that I worry about the time they spend with him - when of course they are allowed to do pretty much as they wish - no pushing about school work - Im sure they spend the entire weekend in front of the XBox with older brother - and are then rewarded with £40 quid each pocket money... which I feel is given and a reward for visiting...

Wildwillow Mon 09-May-16 12:33:46

Isetan - when I receive no maintenance at all it infuriates me that he hands out £240.00 a month in pocket money to kids who then spend it like water on Amazon. And Im shopping for bargains in Lidls....

Tiggeryoubastard Mon 09-May-16 12:36:13

The maintenance is down to you not going through the proper channels if he won't pay voluntarily. No point complaining if you're not taking any action about it.

Isetan Tue 10-May-16 02:57:12

Op, your boys are old enough not to be told to do their homework and at 17 what do you expect them to do with their father during contact?

You really do need to detach from this man, your boys are old enough to not need such active parenting. As I said earlier, compairing your son to their father is doing them and you a disservice, if they are being rude and thoughtless call them on it, if money is tight let them know that their 'pocket money' will have to cover some of their expenses.

Contact the authorities about maintenance and detach.

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