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men who live with their mothers..

(59 Posts)
catkin14 Sun 08-May-16 22:21:09

As the great Sir Terry Wogan used to say, 'is it me'....?
I ve been seeing a lovely man for 2 years now, we don't live together, both in our 50's. we get on well, he is good to my dc's who don't live with me. He won't move in with me, says it will ruin our relationship and will only stay one night a week at my house.
He has been married before but now lives with his parents due to money issues and helping with their care, his mother has motor neurone.
He is an only child and seems to have a bit of a mother in 'she's so funny', she's so wonderful', 'we get on so well' etc
Is this normal?
I ask the question because I am one of 4, and don't live with my parents anymore, and due to my age, wonder if this relationship can go anywhere while mother is still so important.
Or maybe Im just being miserable old bag.
Happy to be told either way!

Nanny0gg Sun 08-May-16 22:25:32

No I don't think it will go anywhere, especially as she is ill.

It's nice when boys love their mums but it's best if they don't live with them.

Imbroglio Sun 08-May-16 23:00:16

Is he his mothers carer or does he work?

Akire Sun 08-May-16 23:04:41

If she's got motor neurone then it's terminal so not surprising he talks about her in such tones. It could be start of grieving for her already. Guessing she's lost a lot of function already.

He's been married and lived out so don't think it's just a mummy issue, he's probable wants to be there for his mum. But I do think if he only wants to stay with you one night a week he's miles away from a serious relationship.

TheNaze73 Sun 08-May-16 23:04:47

I actually think it shows he's respectful & compassionate. Probably not an ideal set up but, why is it a rush for you to want him to move in? He's probably been royally screwed by a divorce lawyer, which has put him in to the set of circumstances he finds himself in. He sounds scarred by what's happened previously. 2 years is hardly any time at all, if you need to live with someone per se, then I think you need to split. Case of assessing what is important to you

catkin14 Mon 09-May-16 08:12:07

Thanks for replies, its always good to get others perspectives.

No I don't need to live with anyone, so not bothered about that, it would be nice if he stayed more than one night tho..
Also for me, for the first time in 30 years, I have freedom to do as I want (apart from work) as DCs all grown up, so yes again possibly selfish thoughts on my part about being tied again..
He is not her carer no, he works full time, but from the outside I see him trying to take over his fathers role which of course the father is not happy about.
I think its this and the constant talk about her that gets to me a bit. But as the only person you can change is yourself I guess the answer is shape up or ship out!

Twasthecatthatdidit Mon 09-May-16 08:18:56

His mother has a terminal disease (it's a terrible one) so I wouldn't say these are usual circumstances.

MrsJayy Mon 09-May-16 08:25:44

If he is in his 50s they are eldery maybe he just wants to be at home to help i cant imagine MND is easy for his mum to live with its not a case of him living with mummy

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 09-May-16 08:27:59

How did you meet each other?. Online?.

Men who live with their mothers at such an age (for whatever reason and I note too that his dad is still around) are not relationship material at all and its really not going anywhere.

"Money issues" you could buy for say a year or so but the fact remains he wants to live there. He can avoid being serious about his relationship with you because he can always cite his mother. If things do not work out he can always convince himself that you did not meet up to mother's expectations or were not as perfect as you should be. For whatever reasons his mother has never let her darling boy actually grow up and they are actively dependent on one another, theirs is not a healthy relationship at all but an unhealthy and dysfunctional one.

There are always obstacles that prevent these guys from making the leap. After a while, they start making up problems about the mother so that they can stall leaving. Be careful – they may even say things to their mother’s to make things awkward for you…Next thing, you’re the obstacle.

What on earth do you get out of this?. You seem to be convenient/the beard for him. You are in your 50s so you are not old so what is in this for you?. Is your relationship bar really this low?.

You cannot change him but you can certainly change how you react to him.

Leigh1980 Mon 09-May-16 08:29:23

I live with my DO and his parents. I spent 12 years living with me ex overseas in rental and 3 years with my current DP. So we have lived on our own. We chose to move in with his parents as both of us have anxiety issues and we don't have to worry about renting or mortgages. They are extremely wealthy and we live in an area we would never be able to afford to live in, if it was just us. It takes the stress off us for day to day things and we can save a lot of money. So it can work living all together. We don't have kids though and don't plan to either which makes a difference. Don't ditch him because of that. It's not wierd or it doesn't mean is unsuccessful. I feel really successful and have a great job. If you've been with him that long already you probably love him. So not worth breaking up now. When his mother passes then he will probably take it further. Also easier to split if you don't live together so less complications.

BombadierFritz Mon 09-May-16 08:30:45

Motor neurone is pretty much the shittiest way there is to die so i'm not surprised he is staying with her or talks about her that way. I suppose it is hard for you to know if he has always been that way prediagnosis as well

ElspethFlashman Mon 09-May-16 08:38:42

He'll never move out now whilst she's alive - she's only going to get worse and she doesn't have many years left. And even if his Dad is getting a bit shirty, he needs him too and will appreciate him living there before the end comes.

I think it's laudable tbh, and think it's great that he gets on so well with her.

But long term you're with someone who can't prioritise you.

JeanGenie23 Mon 09-May-16 08:40:55

Its hard to say if it's normal. When you are faced with a life limiting illness, 'normal' becomes irrelevant. You just sort of do what you can. I know, having lost one parent, If my mom were to be diagnosed with a generative disease then I would move in with her to help and spend as much time with her as possible, in a heartbeat. That would come at the cost of my social life, but so be it.

If it was a case of a 50yr old man living with elderly but otherwise healthy parents then I may think hmm needy man child, but thats not what's happening here and I would suggest that due to the nature of this ladies illness your relationship may naturally be put on hold as it is.

If you like this man stick with him. He sounds like he is just trying his best to do right by his parents. That's a wonderful quality to have!

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 09-May-16 08:46:39

"And even if his Dad is getting a bit shirty, he needs him too and will appreciate him living there before the end comes"

On the other hand his dad probably wonders why his son is still there and moans about it; his position of man of the house is being usurped and right under his nose as well. Such dysfunctional couples work separately and are not strong enough to get their son out on their own. His wife also wants her son there with her.

(My BIL is still living at home. He is in no way shape or form any sort of relationship material either, he is emotionally unavailable and too tied to mummy who also does not want to let go of him).

catkin14 Mon 09-May-16 10:58:03

Thanks for all your views, a difficult subject.

I too respect his decision, sadly his mother illness was not on the cards when we met. And no it wasn't online, just met at a friends gathering.
Attila, you have hit nail on head with regards to the father/son relationship.
But putting it on here has made me realise there is no right or wrong answer, just what I want from a relationship v what I currently have.

ElspethFlashman Mon 09-May-16 11:18:47

Actually I speak from some experience as I moved in withy parents when my mum was terminal. And Dad was definitely shirty and feeling usurped, though we got on fine actually. He was naturally dictatorial and now here I was, with all my opinions.

But I could see what he couldn't - that he was hitting 80, and he needed help too. He thought he was the same as when he was 50! You just try to be nice and diplomatic and sympathetic to his feelings. But it didn't stop me wanting to be there to help my mum. By the time she died he was getting a bit doddery too and was very grateful I was there, so things do change. I actually ended up staying with him after she died so he didn't have to go into a home and the dynamic was completely different by then as he had become quite childlike and vulnerable. That's why I wonder if your partner will end up actually doing the same after his Mum dies.

Usually what you've done for one, you'll do for the other as long as your relationship is halfway decent.

Kwirrell Mon 09-May-16 12:07:22

My mum married when she was 55 to a man who had never been married. He lived with his mother and took care of her until she died. They met a couple of years after his mother died, and he sang her praises all the time.

He was the most amazing caring husband to her for 40 years. He was a 'bit old fashioned' in his ways but he was kind, generous to a fault, patient with all her funny ways, and when she became ill at the end of her life he did everything for her.

Gohackyourself Tue 10-May-16 19:21:02

It's funny I found this thread whilst wondering myself.
I've met a guy who ended up having to move back into his mothers due to divorce etc- but I'm not convinced that these guys are not just big "man child"-
His mother perfectly fit and well-

Poppledopple Tue 10-May-16 19:54:38

I think the bigger issue is that he does not want to spend more than one night a week with you....even before the MND was diagnosed.....and even now if he is not her carer and his DF is around. Could you just be a booty call?

MistressDeeCee Tue 10-May-16 22:52:14

It seems he fits you in once a week, OP. I don't think thats enough to constitute a relationship, actually. That is the main issue here. I wouldn't date a man who lived with his mother - his mother wasn't ill previously, was she, yet he was living there? & the relationship with his father doesn't sound brilliant.

My brother is a lovely guy in many ways, nice to girlfriends but he lives with our mum - he has longterm girlfriends doesn't run around here and there but there's always an "issue" when it comes to full commitment point. I wish these women would realise, he lives with my mum because he wants to. Its cheaper and convenient for him, they get on well enough, and there's no pressure on him to commit to anything or change his lifestyle. Thats how I see it.

I don't care what the reasons are, where the apron strings haven't been cut I wouldn't go there with a man. Sorry about his DMs illness though. When she passes, the next excuse will be that his dad needs him so he has to be there ie actually living with his dad.

Always strikes me anew. So many women leave relationships, may stay with parents for a bit but are always striving to move on, and out. Yet, same as my brother, I know of men who went back to mummy when their relationship ended and never moved out again. I don't find that dynamic attractive at all. I think you are a convenience for this man OP and besides, he has already told you he's not up for seeing you more than once a week; and you know that if he wanted to make time and space for you, even to see you twice a week, then he would.

Just a case of whether thats enough for you or not. Then again Im a firm believer in women not being so quick to put their eggs in one basket. I wouldn't be taking him as my "main man", the one I hope to have a life relationship with, at all...

DancingDinosaur Tue 10-May-16 23:04:19

My brother still lives with our mum. Its cheaper, he likes living there and its a massive help to my mum, although she would never hold him back if he wanted to move out and live with a girlfriend. Truth is my brother doesn't want to. He's had girlfriends come and go, but he likes his set up. He's lovely to his girlfriends and will do anything to help them out. But he's not leaving home, he likes his life and the freedoms that go with that. I reckon if mum died he'd just live on his own. My brother is a lovely catch in some ways, kind, caring, supportive. But if someone wanted him to move in with them, well that will never happen. He'd never step out towards that kind of commitment, although he'd also always do his best to look after people in a non moving in together kind of way. So op, if thats what you're looking towards, then maybe your man isn't the right one for you. Some people just live a different life to the norm. Which is fine, unless you want more.

Offred Tue 10-May-16 23:11:25

Eee... This would not be for me. My parents are in their 60s and moved my 91 y/o grandma in a few years ago but only after making their house into flats and allocating one to her. She sold her house and is paying them rent.

I think an adult child who moved back to his mum and has mummy issues like this would just creep me out. Where the relationship is based on 'being at home with mum' and not the changed dynamics of being the competent adult who is also looking after and elderly relative I doubt that the person is capable of being a competent adult TBH.

My BF moved out 1 year ago (age 30) and is already behaving less like a child with me and at work IMO. He had moved back after a break up/uni and felt it was 'easier' to stay but fell into being parented teenager again.

SinisterBumFacedCat Tue 10-May-16 23:50:17

His mum has motor neurone disease. It's hell. Cut the poor guy some slack.

Offred Wed 11-May-16 01:35:43

Caring for someone with motor neuron disease is difficult yes but the fact she has it doesn't necessarily say anything about why he is at home or the dynamic between them, and that's the part that would bother me. If he went home to care for her or went home during a difficult time for him and has stayed to care for her that is quite different to going home to be cared for by his mummy despite her having a serious illness.

mrsmuddlepies Wed 11-May-16 07:12:10

His mother has motor neurone disease. He will not be in a position to be cared for by his 'mummy'. He will need to look after her until she dies. Prognosis is not good for MND.
Why are you using the word 'Mummy' as a term of abuse. There is no indication that this man uses it. It reminds me of a woman friend who will not allow her partner to call his parents Mumand Dad because she thinks it 'infantilises' him. He has to call them by their first names. She still calls her parents Mummy and Dad.
There was a thread on here about a year ago about women still calling their mothers 'Mummy'. Lots of support for them. Different standards for men though. Men are constantly criticised for not being caring enough and told to develop their nurturing side. Unless it would appear that it is their mother dying of a truly horrible disease.
I hope you think about this Offred before you name call a man because he is caring for a dying parent.
How can there be gender equality when posters accuse a man caring for a dying mother of being a 'mummy's boy'. Just horrible.

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