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Why do I still give a fuck about my ex

(16 Posts)
TailsUp Sun 08-May-16 21:34:54

Ex is a twat. A game playing, manipulative, cheating twat who clearly couldn't have given a fuck about me and tore my self esteem to pieces.

I'm getting on with my life, keeping busy and seeing friends. Re-kindled a FWB set up. Ex and I were only together a couple of years, didn't live together and no kids so not some huge upheaval.

He was a total head fuck and yet I can't stop thinking about him. I tell myself I don't want him back and it's a good thing. I'm lying to myself as I do want him but WTF why.

We were friends for years before we got together. He was so lovely to me but I saw a different him after. I'm a fool for thinking he was different.

How could he go from being my friend who couldn't do enough for me to my boyfriend who thought that little of me he couldn't even be arsed to tell me it was over. My judgement must be so far off if I can't even work a long term friend out.

merville Sun 08-May-16 21:53:56

I have a feeling he wasn't truly your friend; he had you on the back burner while he was being a twat to another woman/women.
It's easy to be a good to a 'friend'; they don't put the same demands & obligations on you as a gf/partner.
Plus he hadn't 'had' you yet (?) So he is motivated to be nice and put his best foot forward.
I think you need to critically re-evauluate the 'friendship' and see it in the context of his wider behaviour. That might help solve that part of your wtf feelings & hurt.
If he was like that to you, he's like that to others while in a relationship.
As to your feelings ... counselling? Will have a look for some free resources that might be of help in the meantime.

Daenerys2 Sun 08-May-16 21:57:58

I think it's as simple as we always want what's unavailable. As a friend, you probably didn't see the real him. As a lover, this was revealed. I think you got addicted to the highs/lows and head fucks/make up dramas. It's addictive. I'm going through it too X

cleowasmycat Sun 08-May-16 21:58:50

I know how you feel. I've cried for weeks about how I could have changed it or made it work. Then I had a sudden epifiny, he would have continued to lie and cheat and I would have spent years stressed and anxious and not being happy anyway.
Grieve for who you thought he was, then sigh with relief at you're lucky escape because really he is not worth you.

twolinesplease Sun 08-May-16 22:05:03

I think you got addicted to the highs/lows and head fucks/make up dramas. It's addictive.

This me too sadI'm so caught up in the head fuckery I can't even get. If someone has the answer do share.

TailsUp Sun 08-May-16 22:10:45

But why be great to me then start a relationship with me and treat me like dirt. I don't get it.

The friendship has gone as well as the relationship. I haven't had it out with him as to why - perhaps I need to so I get closure but I don't want to give him the satisfaction of knowing I give a fuck.

I have just started counselling.

TailsUp Sun 08-May-16 22:15:22

Sorry it's not just me experiencing it. I didn't know him at all but I thought I did.

I know I've had a lucky escape and he is not worth it so why the fuck do I still care.

Sorry to those who are going through this too x

merville Sun 08-May-16 22:26:58

It takes time to get over a failed relationship; takes time to get over being cheated on. How long ago was this?
Could be wrong but could it be because you are letting him and his behaviour define your 'worth' - perhaps you haven't got to the stage of really believing "There's nothing wrong with me; it's him, he's just like that (or he was like that to me at that time & that can't be changed)".
Don't beat yourself up about not seeing what he's like; the best of us can be fooled by people for while.

TailsUp Sun 08-May-16 22:47:28

Couple of months. Don't know for definite he cheated on me but likely. He had a history of cheating which I didn't know about until after we got together. There were a few dodgy texts with 'friends' but nothing concrete.

I assume it's me so definitely letting him define my worth. I want to ask him and know what I did wrong and why he changed so much towards me. Why did he think that little of me.

Thank you for taking the time to reply.

merville Sun 08-May-16 23:27:53

That's a v short time, it will take a while esp. because he was in your life as a 'friend' (sorry I don't really think he was, i think he was warming you up on the subs bench) for quite a while before the relationship.
History of cheating and you want to know what you did wrong? I'll save you a painful, frustrating convo with him (if he even has the bollocks to discuss it with you) ... NOTHING. [WINK]

He is what he is ... and that doesn't sound like relationship material, at this time or perhaps any.

merville Sun 08-May-16 23:29:26

Oops, caps clearly doesn't work for the smilies

ElllieB1 Mon 09-May-16 00:06:55

It's harder when they just disappear, you want answers and it takes longer to move on, agree with other posters he was your "friend" until he got you, then his representative disappeared and you saw the real him. No contact, keep it moving.

TailsUp Mon 09-May-16 17:41:27

Thanks merville I keep thinking I must have done something wrong for him to have treated me in the way he did. Because he's gone cold on me without explanation I keep mulling it over, wondering why and trying to work out what I could have done differently.

What I really don't get is why I'm still bothered. I know now, without any doubt, he's an absolute twat who I should run a mile from. I just don't seem to be able to see him for what he is. I should want nothing to do with him but I still want him to get in touch with me even though I know he won't and it's better for me not to have contact.

He's not good relationship material.

Flamingo1980 Mon 09-May-16 19:14:23

Look up limerence. It sounds like that it what you have. May answer a few of your questions.
Also well done on getting counselling that will help a lot!

conversationdiva Mon 09-May-16 19:27:55

My ex did something very similar. We were together 3 years before he cut contact with no explanation. Found out months later that he'd been cheating behind my back and to make things worse, he got her pregnant a month after we broke up. My head was all over the place and I couldn't believe he'd treated me that way when he'd been so lovely once. I thought I'd end up marrying him and it took me ages to make sense of what had happened.

I got over it eventually by realising I deserved more. He has a pattern of being with someone for 2-3 years then cheating (I met him after he cheated on his ex on a stag do. Didn't find out until much later.)

People like this can't ever be trusted and its tough but you will realise that you are better off without him. Better to be single and happy than miserable with someone like that. You'd be constantly wondering if they were cheating. flowers

TailsUp Sun 12-Jun-16 21:12:32

Yes I did wonder about limerence. It's infuriating because I know he's a twat so don't get why he's affected me so much.

NC does seem to be helping and time, the old favourite.

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