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WWYD - friend's relationship/wedding

(8 Posts)
Bitchqueen90 Sun 08-May-16 18:21:41

This may get a little long, so apologies if so!

I have a close friend who I have known for a few years, we do a lot together and have been on holiday with our DCs. She met a man through POF almost 2 years ago. Right at the start their relationship was dramatic to say the least. She got pregnant a month after they got together and had an abortion at his insistence. He said he didn't want a baby that quickly but may do in the future (she has one dd from a previous relationship, he has 4 DC from his). A few months later they had an argument on a night out and he punched her in the stomach. She left him but took him back after a few days. I was sympathetic but firm in my advice that I did not agree with this relationship. I got a little harsh with her and said I would not be bringing my ds round while this man was still there, she said she understood but "he wouldn't ever be violent to children" I said that wasn't the point, the point was I don't want my ds around a man who could turn violent in an argument and imo she shouldn't have him around her dd either. Our friendship was a little strained after this.

Fast forward to January this year. She calls to tell me that she is pregnant and this time they are both happy about it. She then tells me they have decided to get married in June and will I be her maid of honour.

I agreed even though I think this is a toxic relationship.

A few days ago she messages me. She went on an old tablet that was logged into her "DP's" daughter's Instagram. She saw her DP had been following lots of women on Instagram and liking a lot of their photos, also he had deleted any photos of the two of them together. I asked if she was following him on there, she said no he didn't accept her follow request as he claims he never uses Instagram.

I told her she can't possibly be happy living this way. She has replied she can't leave him as she doesn't want to be a single mother with 2 children and she'll just have to "forget about it."

What can I do? They are getting married next month, how can I stand up there and watch when I think that it shouldn't be happening? I don't want to lose her as a friend but she just won't listen to reason. Opinions everyone, would you go to the wedding?

MadamDeathstare Sun 08-May-16 18:26:18

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AntiqueSinger Sun 08-May-16 19:01:39

When a friendship becomes an emotional and stressful drain on you though, I think it is time to at least distance yourself, if not terminate it.

I have a friend who started dating a man with a partner and child. When it started, she insisted it was true love (despite him refusing to end it with his DP). I told her then that I disagreed with it, but she ignored my advice.

Over the past 5 years it has been nothing but ups and downs (the downs being far more frequent). Like your friend, she has been forced into an abortion, received threatening, abusive texts and calls, all of which made me cry because I felt almost as if it was being done to me.

I would sit up late at night listening to her complaints and trying to reassure her that she was good, lovable person, because he would say abusive things and blow hot and cold. I hung in because I saw her friendship circle diminishing, and wanted to support her.

And all the time he never left his DP. But she just wouldn't listen to anyone who laid it out for her. It became so stressful I started avoiding her calls. Last week she texted me he has dumped her and now she is a complete emotional wreck, she gets to a very dark place as she suffers depression frequently, needless to say this relationship didn't help.

Her children have suffered. They watch her crying. Her attention isn't where it should be. It's all been on him.

So now it looks to be finally finshed (I won't hold my breath) But I am now so fed up? Angry with her? Emotionally wrung out; the entire friendship has become a stressful entity and it wasn't what it was. I supported her, bit my tongue, offered unending empathy and sympathy, but none of it made any difference. And it's wrung me out.

When you see a friend going into a really bad place and you try and help to no avail, but they insist on going there regardless, my experience would tell me to step back. And that's what I think you should do OP. My advice is don't go.sad

For your friend as much as yourself.

antimatter Sun 08-May-16 19:02:29

she doesn't have to marry him if she wants to be with the guy

remind her that once they are married her assets become his and this is something she needs to take into account

RaeSkywalker Sun 08-May-16 19:07:26

I think you need to let her know (gently) that you are concerned, but be there to support her. If you make your point too strongly you might lose her friendship and she'll be even more isolated, which is almost certainly what he will want.

My best friend is in a relationship like this. It was hard to watch but I've made it clear that I will always be there if she needs me. I'm hoping that she will leave eventually.

Bitchqueen90 Sun 08-May-16 19:19:29

Thank you everyone. I am so worried that once she gets married then that's it, it will be so much harder for her to ever walk away then. I want to be a supportive friend but at the same time it's so hard when she asks for my advice but won't take any of it on board. She lives in a council place and I'm worried about her putting his name on the tenancy as well. Also it's a shame that I'm spending less time with her as I dislike this man and he's always there. sad

HopelesslydevotedtoGu Sun 08-May-16 19:27:16

Once she has married him it will be so much harder to end it. I would make a last ditch attempt to make her see sense and at least call off the wedding, or ideally the whole relationship.

She may be really angry with you, but in honesty I think it will be hard to maintain the friendship once they are married. I would prefer to be honest with her now and try and stop her making a huge mistake.

TheDuchyOfGrandFenwick Sun 08-May-16 19:38:46

I would just break the friendship. Some people seem to thrive on the attention they get from others for having a dysfunctional relationship. They ask for advice but never take it,they just take up your time and energy.
It sounds harsh but I've been through it with a couple of people,..never again .

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