So, I've been on here a while; had a couple of name changes.
Brief backstory is that I separated from my husband a few years ago in the same year that I lost both of my parents. I am very much on my own.
Since we separated, I have 'dated' a little and had one relationship of just under a year and another of about 6 months. I ended both because neither were right for me. The men weren't really into me and, having had a mediocre marriage, I really don't want to waste any more time on anyone who likes me well enough, but is never going to love me.
I am happy enough being single. I have hobbies, I have friends. I have one enduring hobby through which I have some very good friends; we go on holiday together, we go on nights out, we're not in each other's pockets, but I like it. I've had a go at different social hobbies/joined groups/activities and managed to sustain them for a couple of years each, but family commitments meant I wasn't able to carry on.
I'm not desperate for a boyfriend, but it would be nice to be loved and to love. To have someone to share things with. To have someone who cherishes me and who thinks they are lucky to have found me and have me in their life.
My parents didn't love me. My upbringing wasn't horrific, but it was emotionally abusive and very sad. My adult life has followed a similar pattern. A couple of years ago, most of my friendship group was single. But over the past year or so, many of them have now met someone. Which just makes it more obvious.
I get described as quirky, funny, intelligent and attractive. The women I know tell me I'm pretty, the older men I know tell me that if only they were 30 years younger... but it's all good natured fun. I keep the sadness hidden.
People ask me why I'm single and I tell them that I haven't met anyone worth giving up being single for. And that's true. I tell them I'm having fun on my own, with my friends and my children, and I don't want a man to get in the way of that. And that's true. I tell them that I haven't met anyone who would fit into my friendship group. And that's true.
But the elephant in the room is that, there is also another reason and this is the main one. No one wants me. I meet a lot of men, but I'm of an age (early 40s) where all the men I meet are either single for a reason or married. I only know one single man my age and he is after someone far younger. No one ever fancies me. No one asks me out. Well apart from the married men who are chancing their hand at a bit of extra curricular... I don't very often meet met who I find attractive, but there have been a couple over the past few years. But none of them are interested. I do like someone but he isn't interested and that's hard too.
I have posted on here before under different names when this feeling and the sadness becomes overwhelming. Which it is at the moment. I always get told that I sound lovely. The advice is always the same. Join a club, meet people, be happy on your own. I already do those. I suppose I'm just feeling really sad today that I just feel so unwanted. And without having family around me, there's no one else to fill the gap. Another weekend with just myself and the children. It's just hard.
I just don't know what's wrong with me. But I'm terrified of this being it forever. Of having lived my whole life never having met anyone who thought their life was better for having me in it.
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Please forgive me a loveless wallow for a second...
ThisIsDedicatedToTheOneILove · 08/05/2016 12:56
Then feel sad...you are entitled to.
I have a similar background to you and am seen in a similar way around friends. I live in a different country to my small family that I do care about and that makes it more polarised.
I'm not offering any advice. It's Mother's Day here today and it should feel wonderful.
My darling boy made me a gift and a cup of tea. Then it went flat and I thought, oh well, clean the kitchen cupboards and stack the dishwasher. There was no husband to arrange a nice lunch or brunch, or take DS shopping for a card or a flower. I feel so alone it's almost a physical pain. All the things people take for granted I would cherish dearly.
But it comes in waves, and I'm afraid the only person who can do anything about it is you. Sounds like you are doing all you can.
Hang in there and don't feel bad for feeling this way. It's normal. You have been dating, you have met people, and well done for not compromising for the sake of filling a gap.
I suppose the issue was present there as well. The men I met 'liked' me, nothing more than that.
I just don't seem to be what men want 
Thank hou wally. I suppose it nice to have the sadness validated as much as anything!
Yes I get the physical pain. I don't tell anyone. Well there is one friend who knows the details but not the emotion behind it. I think it would be overwhelming to share that.
I'm sorry you feel this way too 
(for Mother's Day)
Thank you.
Today it's helped having the radio on in the background. I've been talking to it. 
wally yeah I do that too... 
Boo same here. I have standards and I'm not prepared to drop them. And no, they're not unreasonable either. In fac they're similar to yours.
Princess Tried the guided meditation. No idea if it's any good; I fell asleep! But I'm rubbish at GM generally.
Dona Yes, the 'love' thing. I have been thinking this morning. I wonder how many people do experience 'love' and how many just hear the word and latch onto it. I know that I've been told I've been loved. One man I had a relationship with told me that he didn't believe I'd never been loved because he thought I was very easy to love. Except that he was still communicating online with women (didn't bother to find out if he was actually meeting up with them; we'd agreed to be 'exclusive' and he was chatting with women he'd met on dating sites) and had no interest in sex because he was a heavy porn user (it transpired). He was selfish. He was one where it boiled down to he was attracted to me as a human being, but as a woman, I just wasn't young enough or beautiful. That doesn't sound like love to me...
The words have never matched the actions for me either.
I am a little frustrated by the fact that I tried talking to my mother about it years ago, and when things were clearly not right with the man I went on to marry. She told me that being 'happy' was a fairy tale and that I was lucky someone was willing to 'take me on' and that I should just make sure I didn't rock the boat and get dumped. I had no reason to assume she was wrong so I followed her advice/instruction. Biggest fucking mistake of my life.
So I tell my daughter the opposite. That she needs an education and a career; her own friends and hobbies. That she is lucky because she has so many people around her who love her. And that a boyfriend is nice (she's 10 so starting to think about it) but that they should be someone who enables her to be even more amazing that she already is. I've been fairly open with her about why I've stopped seeing the couple of men I was dating because I want her to know it's ok to end a relationship for any reason if you're not happy.
I'm in my 40s and my life is pretty much fucked because my mother convinced me to believe a man who was quite clearly waving some pretty big red flags. I have a career, but he shattered my confidence, was crap with money and went on to do things that mean that I'm paying off debts he left me with.
Wally I am happy for people to know that I'm single and open to meeting someone. Not necessarily actively 'looking', but definitely 'open to it'. But I don't know anyone who knows any single men either. Well I was told about one, but he is older than me, has never had a relationship, still lives at home with his parents (has never moved out).
As a long time lurker, I felt compelled to join in this conversation.
I too am a single 40-something year old mum of 2 young children. And yes, it is bloody hard work and extremely lonely at times.
I had similar experiences to you whilst dating, then realised I needed to change my attitude. I spent some time working on myself - I focused on making sure I was happy in my current situation, and that I was happy potentially being alone. That way, if I did meet someone, it would be a bonus - the icing on the cake.
I approached dating as a way of meeting interesting people. Finding "the one" is like finding a needle in a haystack, but you may as well enjoy the process. Going on dates got me out of the house and gave me a reason to brush my hair and look less like an exhausted, harassed single mum 
. Most dates ended at that first meeting. I met some fascinating men - good and bad - and had a lot of stories to tell my amused friends. And eventually I met someone special.
I guess my point to all this is that you need to be kind to yourself. Discover the real you. And learn to love that person.
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