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Please forgive me a loveless wallow for a second...

(56 Posts)
ThisIsDedicatedToTheOneILove Sun 08-May-16 12:56:00

So, I've been on here a while; had a couple of name changes.

Brief backstory is that I separated from my husband a few years ago in the same year that I lost both of my parents. I am very much on my own.

Since we separated, I have 'dated' a little and had one relationship of just under a year and another of about 6 months. I ended both because neither were right for me. The men weren't really into me and, having had a mediocre marriage, I really don't want to waste any more time on anyone who likes me well enough, but is never going to love me.

I am happy enough being single. I have hobbies, I have friends. I have one enduring hobby through which I have some very good friends; we go on holiday together, we go on nights out, we're not in each other's pockets, but I like it. I've had a go at different social hobbies/joined groups/activities and managed to sustain them for a couple of years each, but family commitments meant I wasn't able to carry on.

I'm not desperate for a boyfriend, but it would be nice to be loved and to love. To have someone to share things with. To have someone who cherishes me and who thinks they are lucky to have found me and have me in their life.

My parents didn't love me. My upbringing wasn't horrific, but it was emotionally abusive and very sad. My adult life has followed a similar pattern. A couple of years ago, most of my friendship group was single. But over the past year or so, many of them have now met someone. Which just makes it more obvious.

I get described as quirky, funny, intelligent and attractive. The women I know tell me I'm pretty, the older men I know tell me that if only they were 30 years younger... but it's all good natured fun. I keep the sadness hidden.

People ask me why I'm single and I tell them that I haven't met anyone worth giving up being single for. And that's true. I tell them I'm having fun on my own, with my friends and my children, and I don't want a man to get in the way of that. And that's true. I tell them that I haven't met anyone who would fit into my friendship group. And that's true.

But the elephant in the room is that, there is also another reason and this is the main one. No one wants me. I meet a lot of men, but I'm of an age (early 40s) where all the men I meet are either single for a reason or married. I only know one single man my age and he is after someone far younger. No one ever fancies me. No one asks me out. Well apart from the married men who are chancing their hand at a bit of extra curricular... I don't very often meet met who I find attractive, but there have been a couple over the past few years. But none of them are interested. I do like someone but he isn't interested and that's hard too.

I have posted on here before under different names when this feeling and the sadness becomes overwhelming. Which it is at the moment. I always get told that I sound lovely. The advice is always the same. Join a club, meet people, be happy on your own. I already do those. I suppose I'm just feeling really sad today that I just feel so unwanted. And without having family around me, there's no one else to fill the gap. Another weekend with just myself and the children. It's just hard.

I just don't know what's wrong with me. But I'm terrified of this being it forever. Of having lived my whole life never having met anyone who thought their life was better for having me in it.

Buzzardbird Sun 08-May-16 13:01:38

Dare I ask if you have tried on-line dating?

ThisIsDedicatedToTheOneILove Sun 08-May-16 13:28:46

Yeah, that's where I met the men I did date/go out with. Wouldn't do it again, though. Not a horrendous experience, but not good either.

Most of the men are interested in someone 20yrs younger and I don't want a 60 yo. Nor do I want a 25 yo looking for sex with an older woman.

Not interested in the whole game playing/multidating that seems to go along with it.

It was good for a bit of a laugh, but saw/experienced nothing to suggest anyone should see it as any more than that!

wallybantersjunkbox Sun 08-May-16 13:32:21

Then feel are entitled to.

I have a similar background to you and am seen in a similar way around friends. I live in a different country to my small family that I do care about and that makes it more polarised.

I'm not offering any advice. It's Mother's Day here today and it should feel wonderful.

My darling boy made me a gift and a cup of tea. Then it went flat and I thought, oh well, clean the kitchen cupboards and stack the dishwasher. There was no husband to arrange a nice lunch or brunch, or take DS shopping for a card or a flower. I feel so alone it's almost a physical pain. All the things people take for granted I would cherish dearly.

But it comes in waves, and I'm afraid the only person who can do anything about it is you. Sounds like you are doing all you can.

Hang in there and don't feel bad for feeling this way. It's normal. You have been dating, you have met people, and well done for not compromising for the sake of filling a gap.


ThisIsDedicatedToTheOneILove Sun 08-May-16 13:35:30

I suppose the issue was present there as well. The men I met 'liked' me, nothing more than that.

I just don't seem to be what men want confused

ThisIsDedicatedToTheOneILove Sun 08-May-16 13:42:07

Thank hou wally. I suppose it nice to have the sadness validated as much as anything!

Yes I get the physical pain. I don't tell anyone. Well there is one friend who knows the details but not the emotion behind it. I think it would be overwhelming to share that.

I'm sorry you feel this way too flowerswinecake (for Mother's Day)

wallybantersjunkbox Sun 08-May-16 14:17:25

Thank you.

Today it's helped having the radio on in the background. I've been talking to it. blush

Boolovessulley Sun 08-May-16 14:30:49

I hear you op.

I'm single.
I'm told I'm funny, intelligent, attractive etc etc.

I have standards and I'm not prepared to go below . Basically unless a person adds joy to my life then I don't want them.
I have lots if friends but due to work/ children tend to be in the company of women more than men.

I do like being single but really wish I had a partner to love and be loved by.

Boolovessulley Sun 08-May-16 14:31:58

Thanks sounds a bit harsh.

I'm not expecting a billionaire Brad Pitt just a decent loving kind man without issues.

ThisIsDedicatedToTheOneILove Sun 08-May-16 15:35:27

wally yeah I do that too... grin

Boo same here. I have standards and I'm not prepared to drop them. And no, they're not unreasonable either. In fac they're similar to yours.

ThisIsDedicatedToTheOneILove Sun 08-May-16 15:42:45

And yes, I want ti meet someone who adds to my life.

I think it's hard at the moment because the man I like, who isn't interested, is exactly what I want in a man.

Not that I have a checklist, but if I did, he'd tick most of them. So I can see that what I want isn't unreasonable. It does exist.

Just very heavy hearted today. That's all.

SavageBeauty73 Sun 08-May-16 15:46:52

Try online dating again.

You sound fab.

ThisIsDedicatedToTheOneILove Sun 08-May-16 16:06:01

I don't really want to have to deal with all the game playing and whatever of online dating again though. All the wondering why someone's disappeared or how many other people they're talking to or were they telling the truth when they said they had deactivated their account...

It's not what I want to do.

donajimena Sun 08-May-16 17:38:36

I met my partner online dating. I do feel loved and cherished and he certainly adds to my life. He shares my hobbies and he's introduced me to new ones.
Quite simply if I hadn't online dated I wouldn't have met him.
I think the problem with online dating is that if you actively browse and look and treat it as a 'thing' it can really dishearten you.
I set up an initial profile and got quite disheartened by the crap. The endless 'hows you' ? type emails. The openly married men who tried to get a date. I thought bugger this I'm giving up.
But I didn't delete my profile and I did read and dismiss THOSE emails
I just carried on living my life and my hobbies until one day I received a lovely email from my now partner. It was clear he had read my profile and he was very witty. So we met....
I guess I am saying there is no harm in just leaving a profile there. Log in occasionally and reply politely to any crap that isn't unpleasant. That way you keep your profile up top.
Then forget about it and carry on being wonderful you.
You are doubling your chances because there ARE men just like you out there.
I'm 44. My partner is single because his wife left him after an affair. So he's single for a reason. As was I.
It didn't just double my chances it was my only chance.. I work alone don't socialise much (I'm out all the time now) and have no single friends. My hobbies were largely female oriented.
I certainly didn't settle and neither did my partner.
I wish you the best of luck. You sound sorted in life and lovely.

ThisIsDedicatedToTheOneILove Sun 08-May-16 21:13:06

That sounds lovely, Dona. I encounter a lot of people through work, but most of them are women or married. My hobbies, by their nature, attract equal numbers of men and women.

Which site were you using? I was on Match before and I'm reluctant to pay to keep up a profile just to read the occasional email.

I think, as much as anything, it's not just the opportunity to meet someone. I don't really get the whole love thing. Because I've never had it, I find it difficult to imagine what there is about me that someone/anyone could love. Or what that would look like.

I don't really get how people get to be loved. Just crazy!

princessmi12 Sun 08-May-16 21:36:18

donajimena Sun 08-May-16 21:36:38

It was OKcupid.. good old free of charge OKC !
I get the love thing totally! I've been told in my life that I am loved but their actions never matched their words.
This is the first time in my life where I feel loved.

wallybantersjunkbox Sun 08-May-16 21:55:33

I think you sound fab too.

I wish we could be a little more like Americans in the UK. They don't seem afraid to ask friends and colleagues if they know suitable men and it seems normal to make it known that you are on the market for dating.

Also I like the way they date. It's all upfront and open.

ThisIsDedicatedToTheOneILove Mon 09-May-16 06:11:46

Princess Tried the guided meditation. No idea if it's any good; I fell asleep! But I'm rubbish at GM generally. grin

Dona Yes, the 'love' thing. I have been thinking this morning. I wonder how many people do experience 'love' and how many just hear the word and latch onto it. I know that I've been told I've been loved. One man I had a relationship with told me that he didn't believe I'd never been loved because he thought I was very easy to love. Except that he was still communicating online with women (didn't bother to find out if he was actually meeting up with them; we'd agreed to be 'exclusive' and he was chatting with women he'd met on dating sites) and had no interest in sex because he was a heavy porn user (it transpired). He was selfish. He was one where it boiled down to he was attracted to me as a human being, but as a woman, I just wasn't young enough or beautiful. That doesn't sound like love to me...

The words have never matched the actions for me either.

I am a little frustrated by the fact that I tried talking to my mother about it years ago, and when things were clearly not right with the man I went on to marry. She told me that being 'happy' was a fairy tale and that I was lucky someone was willing to 'take me on' and that I should just make sure I didn't rock the boat and get dumped. I had no reason to assume she was wrong so I followed her advice/instruction. Biggest fucking mistake of my life.

So I tell my daughter the opposite. That she needs an education and a career; her own friends and hobbies. That she is lucky because she has so many people around her who love her. And that a boyfriend is nice (she's 10 so starting to think about it) but that they should be someone who enables her to be even more amazing that she already is. I've been fairly open with her about why I've stopped seeing the couple of men I was dating because I want her to know it's ok to end a relationship for any reason if you're not happy.

I'm in my 40s and my life is pretty much fucked because my mother convinced me to believe a man who was quite clearly waving some pretty big red flags. I have a career, but he shattered my confidence, was crap with money and went on to do things that mean that I'm paying off debts he left me with.

Wally I am happy for people to know that I'm single and open to meeting someone. Not necessarily actively 'looking', but definitely 'open to it'. But I don't know anyone who knows any single men either. Well I was told about one, but he is older than me, has never had a relationship, still lives at home with his parents (has never moved out).

ThisIsDedicatedToTheOneILove Mon 09-May-16 07:30:30

I suppose the big thing is that not being loved makes me feel like an untethered balloon.

I feel that I could start walking today, without stopping or turning round, and no one would notice I'd gone.

Well the children would, but that's different!

QueenofWhatever Mon 09-May-16 09:25:04

My story is similar to yours, although I met my DP (also 46) on Tinder about six months ago. My post might sound a little back to front, so bear with me.

He loves me, cherishes me, thinks he's lucky to have me in his life and all those things you describe. I feel the same way and believe we have a future together, we get on very well and are extremely well suited.

However it hasn't fixed me or made my life complete. I still have that lingering sadness and regret for bad decisions in my past (e.g. Bad choice of DD's Dad, the impact of that on my career and health etc.). My childhood was pretty grim and I have no family now. I'm also hesitant about giving up my previous single status and the benefits tha can bring.

So, cheesy as it sounds, it's about my relationship with myself, as much as a relationship with someone else. I need to be happy within myself, give myself a break and accept that lots of things are good. What I think I'm trying to say is that meeting a man I love hasn't fixed it all for me. And I realise I'm OK with that.

Also, you say no one wants you, but (apart from the current one) it doesn't sound like you've met many men who you want. What I'm trying to say is that that feeling of no one wants me is very common, even if not quite right. It's more that people haven't met what they want, IYSWIM.

princessmi12 Mon 09-May-16 09:55:02

Dear OP
Guided meditation supposed to get you into an emotional state at which you meet like minded people ,on your wave so to speak.
Ex you described may have love you but in his own way . Just your ideas of love didn't match to his . If he was chatting to other women it's nothing to do with you and how young or pretty you are.
Love is a word that everyone understand in their own way .
So in my opinion it's more important to meet a man that shares your moral principles, someone you can truly respect and have fun with.
The relationship between like minded people is more fulfilling even if there's no butterflies . Although if you enspire by him happiness has to be there
Work on your childhood issues,be truly happy in your own skin,drop expectations and timescales ..just live your great life and then HE'LL appear out of nowhere!smile

electricpig Mon 09-May-16 11:10:19

As a long time lurker, I felt compelled to join in this conversation.
I too am a single 40-something year old mum of 2 young children. And yes, it is bloody hard work and extremely lonely at times.

I had similar experiences to you whilst dating, then realised I needed to change my attitude. I spent some time working on myself - I focused on making sure I was happy in my current situation, and that I was happy potentially being alone. That way, if I did meet someone, it would be a bonus - the icing on the cake.

I approached dating as a way of meeting interesting people. Finding "the one" is like finding a needle in a haystack, but you may as well enjoy the process. Going on dates got me out of the house and gave me a reason to brush my hair and look less like an exhausted, harassed single mum smile. Most dates ended at that first meeting. I met some fascinating men - good and bad - and had a lot of stories to tell my amused friends. And eventually I met someone special.

I guess my point to all this is that you need to be kind to yourself. Discover the real you. And learn to love that person. smile

MarvellousMonsters Mon 09-May-16 11:11:54

I'm very similar. I definitely agree that 'men don't want women like us' and mostly it's due to us not needing saving. Like you I have very little time for anything aside from work & children, I have alternate weekends 'off' when my girls are with their dad, and quite honestly it's hard enough finding the time to spend with my existing friends, I'm not sure how/where a romantic relationship would fit in.

I'm apparently quite attractive, so I'm not short of offers*, but like several others have stated, I have high standards. I don't need a man, therefore I'm not going to compromise and settle for an OK relationship. I've been single for 5 years, and I honestly don't care if it stays that way forever.

* often from married men or paunchy middle aged men who think I'm going to jump at the chance to be saved from my lonely life, and are offended by rejection, no matter how gentle.

Imightgocrazy Mon 09-May-16 11:19:10

I could have written this myself, such a similar situation. I'm 44 and my longest relationship (with DD's dad and exh) was 6 years. I feel such a continual failure - I see all the other mums at school with their husbands and think what on earth is wrong with me? I'm apparently nice, kind, loyal, honest, attractive.... so why does nobody want to stay with me?
I'm currently reading a book - You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay which so far seems to have some good ways to stop previous negative experiences affecting you in the future. And I'm also going to try online dating again and try to be positive that the right person is there!
I don't have much family around for childcare, and I work whilst my DD is at school. I don't have any single friends and I can't join a club as no child free time to do it. I've been hoping the right man would just appear, but I find it so hard not to be impatient as the years are passing by. My DD8 would love a 'proper family' like all her friends and it breaks my heart that I can't give her that.

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