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Feeling stuck and Im driving myself crazy

(6 Posts)
VictoriaandBump Sun 08-May-16 08:33:42

I'm desperately looking for some advice or stories of people in similar situations. I've been married 8 years, have 2 dc aged 3 and 6. On the whole I'm happy with my life, love my kids to bits, enjoy my job, have great friends, nice house etc. But I have this huge dark cloud hanging over me all the time because I don't feel like I can carry on with my marriage.

My dh hasn't done anything wrong, he doesn't mistreat me and he's a good dad but I just don't think I'm in love with him. I feel resentful that my life has changed so much since having kids. I never sit still for a minute, i always have millions things on my mental to do list whereas he just plods through life, oblivious to everything going on. He promises to try harder but it lasts 3 days and I'm back to doing everything.

This is so hard to admit but I also don't fancy him anymore and now that I look back, I don't think the physical part of our relationship was ever very strong. I think in the beginning, it needs to be there for a little bit of a spark to remain during a marriage. We hardly ever have sex and when we do i don't enjoy it and it feels like a chore. We both really struggle to communicate, especially about sex, which doesn't help. The thought of counselling horrifies me as I'm really bad at saying what i think, and tend to bottle things up. Around 4 months ago I told him I couldn't carry on like this and he promised to try harder but nothing has changed.

The thought of separation, and all the upheaval for our dc terrifies me. I feel selfish for wanting out and part of me thinks that because we never fight and on the surface are happy that I should just get on with it. Equally, the thought of staying in this situation is unbearable. Does anyone have any similar experience? If we separated id want everything to be amicable and for us to share custody. Ideally we would keep our house as the family home and each spend 3 or 4 days a week in it so not as much disruption for the kids. Do you think this sounds possible? Even though I no longer want to he married, I still want us to parent together and hope that we can be friends. Or am I delusional!? Any help or thoughts much appreciated x

Minime85 Sun 08-May-16 08:57:24

Hi Op. Not sure I have any really helpful advice but didn't want to read and run. Have you and him actually sat down together and talked this through with all the consequences? I think if you aren't happy then maybe there is only one outcome. The grass isn't necessarily greener but different grass. My husband left us for similar reasons and we are amicable etc but there is no way I could share a house with him. Where would the other person go when it was the other ones turn? Maybe some people make this work but I think it would be very unsettling and complicated for everyone. My DCs adjust to going to two houses but where I live is home. I want to co parent too and we do to an extent but it isn't the same and I hate having to give them up for the days they go there. Both of us are happy in new relationships now but that adds another dynmaic you need to think of. How would that work if you shared a house?

It sounds like you know what you want to do but need to be realistic on the short and long term outcomes. Lots of people make it work. I am happier and am glad now we divorced but not glad that my kids have to live like this. I still feel resentment that ex walked away too soon before trying everything we could to make it work. And maybe it wouldn't have but I think ask yourself if you have tried to rekindle things as much as you can?

thefamilywarrior Sun 08-May-16 20:41:54

In a similar situation as you Victoria with slight differences:
1. I'm working round the clock everyday of the week and still do the school drop off and pick up.
2. Spouce returns to a tidy home with meal ready + do most of her work ironing.
3. She's not satisfied with anything about me. I can only wish she comes clean and tell me she's got no feelings left - that's what all her actions and inactions suggest.

Think about the short term and long term effects and make a decision that sets you both free.

I've seen many that endured horrible relationships for the sake of the kids only to eventually separate. And I've seen cases where the kids didn't notice or appreciate what the mother (most times) went through to keep the father under the same roof against all odds when it's most needed.

VictoriaandBump Sun 08-May-16 22:24:37

Thanks minime, your advice is really helpful. You're right in that its probably wishful thinking that we could separate but keep the kids in the family home with no disruption to them. We both spend a bit of time away anyway (separately) with work/friends etc so I think I stupidly imagined that they might not even notice! I guess the hardest thing is the thought of messing their lives up. You sound very brave, and I'm glad you're happier now even if things didn't work out in your marriage.

I've been feeling really tearful and emotional all day and couldn't keep quiet any longer so we talked tonight. We both agreed that things aren't good but we don't know how to fix them. He is definitely not ready to end things, we've agreed to try counselling. I couldn't bring myself to tell him im not sure I fancy him as I know there is no going back from that.

Warrior that sounds awful, sounds like you need to have a talk and get things out in the open. The thought of plodding along and eventually separating is awful, so many wasted years. Wishing you luck strength.

Minime85 Mon 09-May-16 06:49:18

Victoria I'm glad you talked. I remember I read up on the whole fancying and sex thing and we tried to do little things to bring it back. It helped a little but I think my ex had let it get to point of no repair and had taken so long to admit there were problems it couldn't be saved.

Don't think you are messing the kids lives up either. By admitting there are issues and trying to address them you are doing the best by them. If things still don't work at least you know you tried. It's all about how you deal with the break up and afterwards that will determine how the kids are. If you can keep them at the centre of it so their needs and not the adults. So for example we all went together to see ex new house before he moved out. We told them together. We co parent and share rules and info about them. We attend plays and parents evening sitting next to each other. dcs can see we get on but sometimes things change. And that's ok. It might not be what we images or fundamentally want but sometimes the hardest thing is to admit it's not working and move forward.

As you say wasted years. What is the point. We are only here once.

thefamilywarrior Sat 14-May-16 07:29:02

And to add to my post above, I only just found out this week, my wife's been emotionally cheating on me just within 1 month of her first job in 5 years. This explains all her behavioural change.

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