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boyfriend suddenly vanished

(76 Posts)
Grace86 Sun 08-May-16 02:01:23

My boyfriend (we have been together for a little over a year) has been in Asia for work for the past few weeks and during this time we have kept in regular contact (calling or texting daily). On Friday I sent him a text and it remained undelivered (meaning his phone was off). I didn’t think anything of it until it had been a full day without any contact from. I tried to call him and his phone was off, so I sent an email telling him I was worried about him and asking him to contact me when he got the message. This morning there was still no response from him and his phone was still off, so of course my mind started to go into overdrive with worries about him being hurt/sick in Asia and something being horribly wrong. I then sent an email to his work email and in response received an away message stating that he would be away from his email for the weekend. So now I am livid. I have no idea what he is up to and can only think that he is gone on a weekend holiday in Asia and didn’t bother to tell me and has turned his phone off. I have no idea what to do. He does like to disconnect a bit when he is on holiday but he has never done this before (he has never not told me when he was going away and always checks in).

Any advice on how to deal with this? I am so hurt that he would do this because he knows full well that I would be worried about him.

FirstTimeMummy25 Sun 08-May-16 02:33:58

Hi Grace, I would be fuming too, not that he's decided to have some time disconnected but that he didn't tell you first so you didn't worry... However I guess it's possible he could have lost or broken his phone but you'd like to think he would email you or contact you some how to let you know... Is there anyone else he may contact? Is he out there with work ? Maybe you could contact them? You must be worried sick and angry bless you! Hope he's in touch soon!

Grace86 Sun 08-May-16 04:32:03

FirstTime. I agree, I am not mad that he would want to disconnect (if that is what he is doing) but so upset that he wouldn't tell me. I have been sick with worry all weekend and unable to really sleep or concentrate on anything else.

I don't think he would contact anyone else unless something was really wrong. I guess I will wait until Monday and if I haven't heard from him by then I will contact his work (yes, he is there for work).

I just really hope there is a legitimate reason for him not being in touch, instead of him just not thinking about my feelings.

lavenderhoney Sun 08-May-16 06:55:52

It's a bit odd to set an out of office response for the weekend isn't it? I have my work email and personal on my phone and just don't look at the work one. AAnd if he had time to set up that he had time to quickly text you he was going to be really busy and uncontactable.

Maybe he has been invited on a spontaneuous weekend with a co worker, ( above board!) but frankly everywhere these days has wifi, and most people are such pavlovs dogs about their phone! Have you heard from him yet/ message been delivered?

Grace86 Sun 08-May-16 10:34:24

Lavender - I thought it was weird that his away message was set for the weekend too, although he does have a very demanding job so if he knew there wasn't going to be a way to access email he might do that. And yes, if he had time to set the away message, he had time to call or text me to let me know he was going away.

No word from him yet and my messages have not been delivered. I find it very odd that his mobile has not been on at all this weekend, it just isn't like him to be this disconnected.

I feel absolutely sick.

lavenderhoney Sun 08-May-16 10:46:38

He might just assume you know he is away and likely to be busy - but if you're normally in contact everyday then he must have known he was going to be away and not be on the phone and let you know. Do you think he is on a flight somewhere instead? Or gone on a boat trip?

Of course, he might have had his phone nicked/ lost. But the out of office discounts that scenario somewhat.

whimsical1975 Sun 08-May-16 11:01:11

Would anyone in his family/friends have heard from him?

KittyKrap Sun 08-May-16 11:01:19

Strange. I'd also go with the lost/stolen phone theory. But not telling you would really piss me off.

Grace86 Sun 08-May-16 11:01:39

Its not our norm to go this long without talking or for him to not let me know he was going on a weekend trip. What concerns me is that his phone has been off this whole weekend, surely he would need to turn it on occasionally to check the time etc?

The away messages make me feel like this isn't a worse case scenario situation, but that maybe he just doesn't care enough to let me know he would be away so I wouldn't worry (although that doesn't seem like him either).

ImperialBlether Sun 08-May-16 11:05:38

I know you must be worried but you would have heard something from his work if something was wrong. You've tried to contact him and he will see that on his phone and his email when he accesses them. Don't phone his work now - let him contact you first. He knows you want to speak to him; presumably you've left messages saying you're worried. Leave it now and let him get in touch.

Grace86 Sun 08-May-16 11:06:24

I guess its possible that he has traveled to a part of Asia where he could't get phone or internet access but didn't realise that would be the case before he left so he didn't realise that he wouldn't be able to contact me whilst there? Is that to far fetched?

Highly doubt he would be in contact with anyone from his family, but if I haven't heard from him by Monday I will reach out.

BoGrainger Sun 08-May-16 11:06:35

Is the work email thing something that happens every weekend but you have had no previous cause to be aware of this? Maybe he has no signal or charge etc. I would be worried first, angry second! My dds have an annoying trait of not answering my emails, messages, FB etc for days, it's horrible.

Queenbean Sun 08-May-16 11:08:05

Leave it until he's meant to be back at work on Monday, sure he is absolutely fine and no reason to worry

Storminateapot Sun 08-May-16 12:09:02

I think the out of office is a good thing, in that it means he obviously is doing something planned rather than dropped off the face of the earth.

Maybe forgot his charger? My DH is always doing that.

Storminateapot Sun 08-May-16 12:14:44

Just to add - if he were up to no good I reckon he'd have told you some tale to discourage you from making contact for a couple of days. Just disappearing is more likely a technical issue.

What did we all do in the days before instantaneous contact?!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Sun 08-May-16 12:29:14

Grace, it's obviously bothering you that he hasn't been in contact with you to let you know that he's away this weekend but I implore you, don't be the girlfriend who uses his workplace as a messaging service or obliged them to tell you where he is all the time, it is seriously annoying and I wouldn't like it one bit.

You've seen his out of office and he knows that you want to speak to him. That's enough. Let him get in touch with you and now that you know he's ok, get on with your own stuff and stop worrying about him.

LobsterQuadrille Sun 08-May-16 12:35:49

Hi OP, agree with a previous PP who suggested that the out-of-office message may be on every weekend and that you've not had cause to see it before - not every country has its weekend Saturday/Sunday - when working in Abu Dhabi it was Friday/Saturday so maybe his work advise it to specify? That would mean it's "just" a phone issue and to be honest, that's happened to me before, especially when not in a normal home environment.

Try not to worry and I agree with LyingWitch not to contact his work - I'm sure that he'll be in touch when he can - and will hopefully be very apologetic!

Beelzebop Sun 08-May-16 13:11:27

Any news yet? I'd be v worried with a growing undercurrent of fury tbh.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Sun 08-May-16 13:23:27

Fury? That's would be a disproportionate response. OP has been in contact with him regularly - except for this weekend when she's had an out of office response to her e-mail.

It's a relationship of just over a year, boyfriend/girlfriend. He has an amazing opportunity to work and explore a different country with his job. A clingy partner with whom I would be in regular contact with, would be intolerable and contacting my work - and actually feeling entitled to do that - would end the relationship for me.

I understand why OP feels hurt but, they're in regular contact so I think the 'worry' is code for 'checking up' and I think that OP doesn't have things to occupy herself then this is going to be a long, hard distance.

Grace86 Sun 08-May-16 15:13:02

No news yet and my messages are still undelivered.

Witch: my worry is not code for 'checking up,' all I want is to know that he is safe.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Sun 08-May-16 15:42:15

Grace, are you on his 'contact in case of emergency' numbers? If not, who is and could you get in touch with them?

You heard from him in the week and you said in your OP that it was 'hurt'. Do you really think something might have happened or just that he is out of range with his phone?

Grace86 Sun 08-May-16 16:00:24

I am not his emergency contact, I am sure his parents are. I haven't met them yet, so would feel uncomfortable contacting them - but I will if I don't hear from him by the start of next week.

It is possible that he is out of range with his phone, but anytime in the past that he hasn't been able to call me or text (like when he lost or broke his phone) he has sent emails to let me know what was going on.

At this point I am really worried, we have never gone this long without contact and he has never traveled without letting me know where he was going.

Ginkypig Sun 08-May-16 16:06:55

Can you contact the hotel he is staying at?

Ask if he is ok or if there seen him in the past day? I don't know how to word it.

Leave a message with reception asking him to contact you.

Haggisfish Sun 08-May-16 16:09:26

I'd be worried and cross, too. Hope it's a storm in a tea cup and that he's ok.

haveacupoftea Sun 08-May-16 16:24:09

Your reaction is a bit OTT to be honest. My DP goes sailing the odd weekend and I occasionally I won't hear from him at all. I don't go contacting all and sundry, convinced that he has drowned. I just accept that he's off having a good time.

I think the real problem here is that you're finding it hard to accept that you don't have a place in his thoughts right now.

If you haven't met his parents yet, you really shouldn't make contact with them. And you shouldn't be trying to make contact through work either, it makes him look unprofessional.

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