how to thank my wife for everything she has done for our family

[bt77]

This is my first time on Mumsnet (as a dad I feel a bit of a fraud!) but I was hoping for some advice from the wise heads out there for someone who has a habit of doing the wrong thing.

I'm married to a wonderful woman who is due to go into hospital this Friday to be induced at 38 weeks to give birth to our baby daughter. We already have a son of 8 who is the absolute light of our lives and so excited to be a big brother. Although we are so excited about what is to come there isn't a day goes by that we don't think of this time last year when my wife miscarried at home at 12 weeks in awful circumstances that saw her in and out of hospital for a further two weeks.

It took time to move forward and things are still hard but throughout my wife has been amazing: as a mother and wife, in her work as a nurse with terminal patients and caring for her elderly parents and volunteering with the disabled and mentally handicapped. She has also somehow managed to stick with me as i dealt with depression and recovery from serious injury.

As the big day rapidly approaches I am racking my brains for ways i can show how loved she is and how much I appreciate everything she does. Saying it flowers just doesn't seem enough! I really would appreciate any thoughts people may have and am extremely grateful in advance to anyone that posts a reply. X

[whattodowiththepoo]

Print this out, don't show it to her just save it.
Every time you doubt your relationship or you are angry with her read what you have written and appreciate what you have.

[MarthaCliffYouCunt]

I would write her a letter telling her all this and how much you appreciate everything she does. I would also make a decision to permanently lessen the load of what she has to do by taking on more of it yourself.

[MarthaCliffYouCunt]

Print this out, don't show it to her just save it.
Every time you doubt your relationship or you are angry with her read what you have written and appreciate what you have.

Huh? So dont tell her she is appreciated? Just silently tell yourself you appreciate her?

[getlostdailyfail]

Can you afford to buy her a diamond ring? Get a message engraved inside

[honeyroar]

Just tell her. I love it when my husband, now and again, out of the blue, tells me how much he loves me and why.

[bt77]

Thanks Martha,

I was thinking of putting it all down on paper for her as I know we both have probably bottled our feelings up way too much and don't express our emotions enough with each other. I thought of getting her something personal too as a gift, but not exactly sure what.

Thanks for your message

[threeelephants]

Tell her. Tell her. Then tell her again. Send the flowers. Make tea often. Do your share round the house. Do more than your share when she's struggling.

Two moments stick in my mind with my DH. When I'd given birth to our first son, I really struggled to breastfeed. It was immensely painful. I only managed a few days before switching to a bottle. During one feed I was quietly sobbing with pain. I looked up to see DH also tearful. He told me how he was in awe of me for persevering. This gave me the strength to carry on for a couple of days to get colostrum into ds, and gave me confidence that I was making the right decision when I finally switched over.

Another time, more recently. I hated my job, was starting to get ill with stress. On one particularly awful day, I texted him asking if he would support me if I quit right now. For context, we rely on my wage. Without it we could well lose everything. He sent back, "Course. Me and you against the world." I found a way through.

My point is, these were all just words, but they made me feel part of a team, invincible. He is my rock, and I am his.

You sound like a wonderful couple.

[MarthaCliffYouCunt]

Does she have any hobbies that you could buy some much covetted equipment for? Or has she a favourite show she has always wanted to see or a place she has wanted to visit. Something for her to look forward to after the birth?

[OnceMoreIntoTheBleach]

Whattodo I actually think that's a lovely and thoughtful suggestion, if I've understood it correctly - that OP can say thank you to his wife for years to come by reminding himself of how he feels right now if things get tricky at any point in the future, and that will stop him from taking her for granted, getting frustrated, etc etc? Really good idea to print it off and keep it as a reminder

But I would also tell her now as well

Maybe give her a little personalised token of some sort with a couple of nice words stamped on it, so she too can remember in years to come that you do notice the things she does and appreciate them. There are some nice and not expensive little things on 'notonthehighstreet'.

Very sweet post OP

[janaus]

What about Pandora bracelet, with a few charms that have meaning. Then every year you could get a new charm that represents that year.

[Strokethefurrywall]

Eternity ring - can't go wrong 😄💍

And congratulations on the impending arrival

[LuisCarol]

I'm also a dad, so also feel like a bit of a fraud for being here, but I get where you are coming from, and I think it's a good place. No, you are right, flowers are not nearly enough. Get up in the night with your new daughter. If you (as a couple) are breastfeeding her, your wife will be done in by the time your daughter is due to go to sleep, so it's your turn to deal with her, even if you have to work in the morning. If you (as a couple) are bottle feeding her, you have no excuse not to get up. You will love this time with your daughter. Honest to god you will. It will be utterly excruciatingly exhausting, and you will love it.

Give her at least a year to recover from childbirth. That is tough to do, and she needs space.

When your daughter is born, take both your children out often and teach them to play with you and each other while your wife sleeps.

Do more than you think is your share of the housework.

And when you've done all that for a few years, remember, your career is not more important than hers.

And most of all, congratulations! You are about to have an awesome child, who has an awesome family who look to learn new ways to show each other they love each other!

[Joysmum]

It's not about expensive gifts, it's about showing her in your everyday actions that you love, respect, and cherish her.

Tell her how you feel whilst looking deep into her eyes and leave her in no doubt of your love.

Be thoughtful each and every day and do small things that will show her you are always thinking of her, not just your 'share'.

[DoreenLethal]

Jewellery whilst not putting your half into the boring mundane stuff is just crass.

Show her by doing your half of the shite. Tell her using your voice. Make sure she is supported and loved every day/night and every now and then surprise her with something nice. It doesn't have to be expensive, or lavish. Just nice.

[whattheseithakasmean]

Actions speak louder than words. It sounds like you feel guilty because you know (through no fault of your own) you have been an extra burden to her. Well, time to step up and take on more than your fair share of the grunt work of family life. My DH is a man of few words but works really hard at home, keeping our house tidy (as well as having a job). If I am late or delayed, he will always have a hot meal & a cup of tea waiting for me coming home. On the cold mornings he will start & de ice my car along with his own. It is lots and lots of small things that add up to making you feel cherished. It would be much easier for him to say soppy words and buy presents, rather than be kind and thoughtful every day, but i know which I prefer.

[MarthaCliffYouCunt]

I agree that jewellery without actually stepping up to even out the workload is crass and TBH i would see it as an empty gesture.

If you do go for jewellery be sure you know her taste. Pandora would not go down well with me. It would scream "lazy- bought the first thing you saw" (because its everywhere)

[Zaurak]

All the big gestures in the world aren't as good as the frequent, tiny things. And conversely, it's the tiny acts of neglect that destroy love.

So:

1. Tell her, often, how much you appreciate what she does
   
2. Small, frequent acts of kindness. My husband brings me a cup of tea every single morning. Make her tea, do the small, thoughtful things,
   

3, (and this is the biggie) pull your weight domestically no matter how stressful your job, how long your hours or how much money you bring in. Clean the kitchen, don't leave a trail of mess. Take the bins out, get up at night to change nappies. Do your share. Because nothing, but nothing, kills a partnership like feeling like you're a skivvy.

Diamond rings are lovely, of course, and if you've got the means, then go ahead! But the best way to show your wife you appreciate her is to share the load domestically. Thee are few phrases nicer than 'I've got this, go lie down, I'll bring you a cuppa.'

Good luck with your new arrival!

[Zaurak]

luiscarol

You sir, are nailing it. 🏆

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

Just do your bit, OP, half of all the crap and reap half of all the rewards. Make sure that your wife feels that she's part of a partnership, a complete and equal one. Appreciate each other, it's not just for you to do - nor for her to do alone either - both of you.

I don't think you need to buy jewellery or any present really, your wife wants this baby as much as you do, it's a special time for both of you. Some of the comments on this thread are OTT and so patronising. Post here as you want, it's for parents, not mums specifically.

Congrats on your pending arrival. :)

[SorenLorensonsInvisibleFriend]

A playlist of meaningful tunes she can listen to if she feels lonely or down whilst dealing with the baby. I know it's cheesy, but Bruno Mars Just The Way You Are took on new meaning when my husband sent me the MP3 on iTunes as a little gift one day.

Cups of tea. A new mug, bought with love, and tea/coffee/green tea brought frequently with a smile and encouragement.

A really nice card, with thoughtful words in it, expressing pretty much what you said in the op.

Taking the children out and specifying very clearly that she MUST use that time to either nap or curl up with her phone/magazines/tv. No guilt trip allowed, as we're so often aware of all the jobs that need to be done!

Maybe a fancy scarf. Hard to carry post-baby weight in the heat of the summer, makes you feel self-conscious. Give her something that can make her feel groomed and fabulous even if she might not feel quite like that otherwise.

Otherwise, I'm loving the post from LuisCarol, too. And good luck and congratulations for your new arrival!

[bt77]

Thanks everyone for your thoughts and kind words, I really appreciate you taking the time to write!

[MyNewBearTotoro]

I think a card celebrating the birth of your DD in which you thank your wife with words would be a heartfelt gift your wife could treasure.

Other than that I agree the best gesture is through your actions and how you divide up housework etc.

[atigerinmytank]

Crikey - I can't add anymore but I am having a little cry over this thread ... Bloody menopause!

Congratulations to you all