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How not to fuck it up this time

(18 Posts)
Pisssssedofff Sat 07-May-16 19:36:16

So finished with Blokey I'd been seeing for 12 months last night. It wasn't working. He wasn't right for me at all but we wanted the same things and he was a good person.
Today I went on a date, I know I know but he'd been hoovering in the background a while and I only get one day per week child free so seemed silly waiting.
Anyway I really like this one. We can actually talk, he's a good sort, great job, treats me well etc.
However I am brilliant at stuffing these things up, either by sleeping with them too soon or not sleeping with them .... When actually is the "right" time. I've had the three date rule before but tbh that feels too soon having been dumped on date 4 on more than one occasion.

TheDuchyOfGrandFenwick Sat 07-May-16 19:48:01

The right time is when you feel like it. If a potential partner dumps you such reasons then they are a dickhead and you've had a lucky escape. IMO

Oysterbabe Sat 07-May-16 19:48:03

You need more than one day to get over a 12 month relationship. I think it would be a bad move to jump straight into something else.

Pisssssedofff Sat 07-May-16 19:59:27

I don't know oyster I was over him 11 months ago tbh .... Never emotionally involved, he made it impossible

merville Tue 10-May-16 08:32:39

I agree - 3 dates is waaay too soon. I think having a rule for everyone doesn't really work.
TheDuchy is right - if someone isn't looking for a real relationship they'll dump you sooner or later no matter what.

Also I don't think it's possible to ruin a potential relationship where you have good chemistry & get on well by not having sex (esp if you are at least having some physical contact). If you think it ended because you didn't have sex soon enough, I'd be inclined to think it was because a. he was only really after sex and moved on when he didn't get it fast enough or b. there was not enough chemistry & compatibility there to keep it going anyway.

I've waited up to 3 months in my more successful relationships (for sex, not sexual contact).

I'd advise taking it slowly and waiting a while, however he really must not get the impression that you're doing that due to a rule or tactic.

If he pushes or expects; just say "I really fancy you, but I don't feel comfortable having sex with someone unless I know them very well, it's just the way I am/have always been" etc. (while doing your best to keep a straight face obviously).

If he dumps or fades, likely he was only after sex anyway.

The reasons for this to me are that; people don't tend to value what they get easily. Also that men (though there are exceptions of course) are natural hunters/sportsmen (hence their obsession with sports, racing, movie warfare etc.) and they are wired to strive & compete to 'win' and achieve things they want... give them reason to feel they have put some effort in and achieved something by getting intimacy( and feelings) from you.

Also, like it or not, many men tend to be v judgemental of women's sexual behaviour, whether they are honestl about that outside of male company or not.
They think "if she did this this quickly/easily with me, she'd do it with every man"; and they get turned off both by the ease/lack of value, and by their primitive "she could cheat easily and have me raising another man's child" thinking.

StillDrSethHazlittMD Tue 10-May-16 08:42:26

You sound lovely, OP. Stringing along "a good person" for a year when you appear to have known for 11 months that he wasn't right for you. Presumably he knew that you felt this way and was happy just to date, and take you out for all that time, knowing it was purely a temporary casual thing and that you had no feelings for him? You know, so that you weren't just wasting his time when he could have been looking for someone who was genuinely into him?

Pisssssedofff Tue 10-May-16 10:46:51

Erm I finished with him because he kept vanishing for weekends without so much as a text, the final straw was him taking a second job without any discussion or consideration for exactly when we'd see each other and my only finding out after that was his excuse for not being in contact for an entire week ... 7 days. He may be a good person but in my friends opinion he was a complete pollock and I made too many excuses for him for 11 months.

Pisssssedofff Tue 10-May-16 10:50:50

We certainly didn't say I love you to each other just to be crystal clear .... Which says it all tbh

wallybantersjunkbox Tue 10-May-16 11:05:36

If he makes the move for sex after the first date, I'd personally make a decision to either say goodnight and thanks, or enjoy some sex, call a cab and say goodnight and thanks.

I think the key thing is not to get too emotionally involved early on.

Although I do like the idea of a man hoovering in the background for me.

grin

Sorry op couldn't resist.

Pisssssedofff Tue 10-May-16 11:10:03

He was ironing too 😜

LovePGtipsMonkey Tue 10-May-16 12:00:01

hoovering in the background was funny!

Good that he showed patience - after that he's not likely to dump you just because sex didn't happen on date three. Make sure you like this one first, you wouldn't really know that after one date, give it a month maybe.

Pisssssedofff Tue 10-May-16 12:07:43

I think this is the trouble, I don't enjoy being single, I just want to crack on with it, but yes I'll take it slowly this time 😁

Pisssssedofff Thu 19-May-16 18:56:33

Well here's a turn up for the books. Was due to see him - new Blokey - on the Saturday. Friday afternoon I saw him through the window of Nero kissing his girlfriend goodbye and she walked into the place he allegedly works. I do pick em eh. Blocked. Next

Wuffleflump Thu 19-May-16 19:22:31

Meh. Slept with OH on second date, still together 6 year later.

Sleep with them if you feel like it. Don't if you don't. Don't play games based on what you think is a relationship strategy.

merville Thu 19-May-16 22:15:03

What a cucking funt. Sorry Pisssed!

Isetan Fri 20-May-16 08:35:01

If you have issues being single then that was probably a major contributing factor to you staying in a 12 month relationship, that you were over 11 months ago. Rather than putting all this energy into finding 'the one', how about investing some of that energy in yourself, otherwise you're in danger of wasting more of your time trying to shoehorn unsuitable men into your relationship ideal.

happygoluckylady Fri 20-May-16 17:58:50

The drama! Is this the guy you were hoping to have a baby with? Honestly, your situation sounds chaotic to say the least.

Pisssssedofff Fri 20-May-16 18:30:59

Well it's over now :-)

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