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Why does my dm do this?

(18 Posts)
2ndSopranosRule Sat 07-May-16 17:29:55

My dm is completely obsessed with appearance and in particular weight. I was overweight as a child due to a completely sedentary lifestyle: I wanted to do dance/gym but dm always said no as I was too fat (I wasn't huge).

There was no attempt to buy me nice clothes, and she'd buy only what fit regardless of whether or not I liked it, often making a big deal about the size she was buying.

I lost a huge amount of weight in my late teens and although I concede I have put on a bit (I've two dc) I definitely am not fat.

I've taken up running and have lost a fair bit of that and am nearly what I weighed when I got married 10 years ago. My entire body shape is changing too.

I needed a new top for a hobby I do and dm had spotted something she thought might be okay so bought it. I was grateful of course but it's huge on me: I tried it on for her and she refused to accept it was too big. She said there's no way I'm the size I am "these days". She comments on the fact I'm "bigger now". I'm a 10/12.

I spent my entire childhood feeling ugly and non deserving of looking nice due to my size and she's still at it. Suffice to say I have very little self esteem.

Why did she do it, and why does she continue to do it?

Marryoneorbecomeone Sat 07-May-16 17:38:16

Watching with interest. My mother is very similar.

cheesecadet Sat 07-May-16 17:53:10

What a jealous bitch!

brassbrass Sat 07-May-16 17:53:53

she has ishoos grin

You have an objective adult head on now. Tell her calmly you will no longer tolerate any comments about your weight. The topic is off limits and that she either not buy any clothes for you again or if she does she has to ask the correct size.

Challenge her on it and take back control for the little girl you used to be (if that makes sense).

Gide Sat 07-May-16 17:54:51

Has you confronted her about it? Is she the evil Queen in Sleeping Beauty and no-one is allowed to be prettier?

I cannot understand why a DM would be such a bitch. Get the measuring tape out, have measurements on computer screen. Show her. I'd call ea if it's constant.

kickassangel Sat 07-May-16 17:56:12

Because she is deeply insecure and can only feel a bit better by putting someone else down. As her daughter you were her easiest target, plus she got to stand next to you and look better by comparison.

speaks volumes that she can't actually see/admit that a top is too big even when you're standing right in front of her. She has body dysmorphia on your account.

Hissy Sat 07-May-16 17:58:47

^ this

Rings huge bells for me too. Basic jealousy and resentment. Distance yourself.

brassbrass Sat 07-May-16 18:01:46

don't indulge her with a measuring tape! You don't need her to validate it. She does not get to negotiate it.

You are the size you say you are.

End of.

2ndSopranosRule Sat 07-May-16 18:13:41

The more I think about it, the crosser I feel about her attitude toward me. She's so critical of how I look. Periodically she moans about what I wear for work, for example. Not smart enough (I dress nothing other than entirely appropriately for my senior-ish job in HE) she reckons.

I have two dds now and I can't believe anyone would do that sad.

brassbrass Sat 07-May-16 18:16:55

She needs to be finally challenged and you sound like you're in a place to do it.

situatedknowledge Sat 07-May-16 18:17:17

I read somewhere that attitudes like that are based in misogyny. If I can find it, I'll come back with links. She has issues with herself, and female body image in general, not just, or not even at all with you.

situatedknowledge Sat 07-May-16 18:17:46

My DM was exactly the same btw.

greenleaf1 Sat 07-May-16 18:53:50

I can relate, OP. My mums exactly the same.

I was a teeny tiny little thing until about ten years ago when I ballooned to a monstrous size 10 smile. Since then I've lost count of the number of giant tent like things my mother has given to me. She says I'm looking a bit "chunky". She once offered to help me clear out my wardrobe, and volunteered to take all my sleeveless tops to the charity shop because my arms were too fat to wear them anymore.

I was a skinny kid so I didn't get the overweight jibes, but I was certainly made to feel like some weird freak of nature. It's only recently I've felt comfortable wearing anything other than huge baggy clothes to cover everything up. It's had a terrible impact on my body image and self esteem. I couldn't bear to let boyfriends see me naked.

It makes me angry too, and it really hurts doesn't it?

You ask why some mothers are like this. I had a lightbulb moment a few years ago, when. I realised my mother was actually just a nasty piece of work who has taken satisfaction in chipping away at my self esteem all my life. It's a hard one to get your head round, but some women take pleasure in actively making their children (especially daughters!) feel like crap.

It's not you at all, OP. It's her. I bet you're lovely flowers

DippyHippy2016 Sat 07-May-16 19:01:43

Just make sure your DD's aren't arounf when she's spouting her vitriol. Your happiness should be her primary priority. You're probably making her look bad and she's trying to put you in "your place". Carry on shining grin

QuiteLikely5 Sat 07-May-16 19:04:01

What size is your mum op? Sounds like she has issues around food

Newyearnewbrain Sat 07-May-16 19:08:37

You're exactly right about your DDs. The pattern of critical behaviour will stop, thankfully because you're self aware enough to see the damage it causes.

My DM had weight/food issues but she turned it in on herself. It left me with huge implications and at the grand old age of 39, I've decided to finally deal with them and am having counselling. I also refuse to pass it on to m my two young DDs.

As you can tell, I feel pretty passionate about this topic!

junebirthdaygirl Sat 07-May-16 21:03:59

I had a friend like that as a teenager. Her dm in front other friends would day you get bigger and bigger everyday and stuff like that. I was horrified that someone could have such a mean mom. Friend was a tall build very athletic and fit. To this day l cannot look at her mom without remembering how nasty she was although a very posh lady. Your dm is downright mean and nasty. Why l don't know. Its obvious she is the one with the problem.

glassgarden Sat 07-May-16 23:56:32

you must protect yourself from this woman and look after number 1

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