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If you've been through this - when does it get easier?

(13 Posts)
ThankGodItsThursday Sat 07-May-16 14:05:22

I posted last Sunday to say my husband had left me.

I still can't eat or sleep. I keep crying. I feel sick. I can't concentrate.

I can't understand how he has become the person who can do this to us.

I've not heard off him at all. I've got estate agents coming round next Friday to value the house. I'm barely coping but trying to put a braveish face on for my daughter.

I hurt so much.....

So if you've been through something similar when did the pain start to ease a little?

catrin Sat 07-May-16 14:19:40

I know exactly what you are going through. 4 years last month for me.

I had 2 bloody awful weeks. I cried until I had no tears left and I just wanted to die. After that... well, basically up and down, to be very honest. Days where I felt very brave and together and days where I couldn't cope again. My separation was spectacularly protracted though, which really did not help at all - much as it feels wrong to do so, the quicker the better, I think, so you can start to heal properly. It took a few months before I felt that I was on my way to a new normal.

Be kind to yourself. How old is dd? Try and eat, get dressed, keep hydrated. First few weeks are hell. It does get easier, I promise.

Chorltonswheelies422 Sat 07-May-16 14:36:52

You're still in shock my love - and of course you are! You're having to deal with so much. flowers for you.

Take it one day at a time, be very kind to yourself, put your lipstick and sunglasses on and get out in the sunshine with your DD and buy both of you the biggest ice cream you can find.

It will get better - in the meantime, remember you're amazing - there's only one of you.

ThankGodItsThursday Sat 07-May-16 14:37:50

Catrin my daughter is 18. She's been great but I'm conscious of the fact that she's got her own life and also that I don't want to burden her too much.

I asked her on Thursday if she missed him (bearing in mind) he only left on Sunday and she said no, she did at first but not anymore. I was shocked and said it's only been a few days. She said I don't like what he's done why should I miss him when he's walked out on us!

He isn't her real dad but has been like a father to her for nearly 15 years. She sends both her real dad and him Father's Day cards!

Wish I could look at it like that. He chose to give up on this marriage and started texting another women instead of talking to me so why do I feel like the failure.

I know it's early days but I can't honestly see a time when I will be happy again.

I told him to leave but now I'm having to cope with everything on my own and it's just not fair.

catrin Sat 07-May-16 14:46:05

No, it isn't fair and it is mentally and, oddly, physically exhausting. It's good your dd is able to see the situation for what it is, if only it were as easy for us! Mine was 5 when it happened, I found the very basics of parenting to be almost impossible initially.

Do you have friends you can talk to? Mine were great, even after the 97643rd time of me sobbing all over them. I freely admit to drinking too much at this time - anxiety, not sleeping so up till all hours and no food meant I ended up with wine as my new BFF at 1 am. If you do drink, try not to go that route, it makes you feel even lower.

It honestly does get easier. But even today, the lovely post lady came to the door and asked how I was coping now and I cried on her! But as I said, my situation has been v drawn out, which is hellish. If you can afford it, try and get away with dd, book something together maybe? I found it useful to have something to look forward to, as I felt it all looked so bloody impossible. It was also very helpful to have a week away from the house, him, emails etc and to spend some time with my dd and trying to think with a bit of distance.

ImperialBlether Sat 07-May-16 14:48:02

Why are you selling the house so quickly? That must be really adding to your stress levels.

ThankGodItsThursday Sat 07-May-16 15:06:44

Imperial I don't know really. Just seemed like the thing to do. I don't think I can afford it on my own and anyway not sure I want to stay here without him.

If we are over and it looks that way I thought it would give me something to focus on. Plus I suppose I'm worried that he may stop paying his share of the bills if I don't get things moving.

I can't really get away with my daughter she is busy revising for her A Levels but it helps a little just knowing she's in the house and I'm not all alone.

Catrin I don't really have friends which I suppose is another problem. I did go round an old friends (she's about 70) and cried all over her and her husband and they were both lovely. I suppose what I mean is I don't have close female friends of my own age who I can talk to. I am hopefully going to stay with my brother at the end of the month for a weekend just to get away from here.

It's all just so overwhelming. I went in the garage and saw how much stuff is in there most of which I won't want when I move and thought God I've got to sort/get rid of all of this. I've never mowed a lawn or took my car to be washed. So many little things keep occuring to me it's ridiculous.

LittleCandle Sat 07-May-16 15:21:15

Just take it one day at a time. You have suffered something akin to a bereavement and it takes time to work through it. I cried all over everyone in sight - people at my church, the priest at another church, my friends - and everyone was incredibly patient with me. I had to clear my house, too and it was sold fairly quickly, given the area it was in and the economic conditions of the time.

You will find that you are far stronger than you think you are. It is empowering to realise that you can do things on your own. There will be some things you can't do, but ask for recommendations for a handyman for jobs that are beyond you. Your DD sounds rather like my younger DD - good for her for supporting you so well.

I wish you well as you move forward in your life. Just remember that you are an amazing person and you can do this. As I said before, just take one day at a time. I am happier and healthier than I have been for a long time.

Sapph1r3 Sat 07-May-16 15:38:13

I had a friend whose mother died and husband left her in the same week. She went through an awful, difficult patch about three years ago but now she is genuinely one of the happiest people I know. You will get there. X

ThankGodItsThursday Sat 07-May-16 19:20:13

I feel a tiny bit better. Managed to eat something and then decided to unfriend my husband and all of his friends on Facebook.

I don't really use it, hardly ever post but have been checking it constantly over the last few days to see if he posted anything. I decided that this wasn't doing me any good at all and to be truthful I am scared of seeing him or any of his friends posting pictures of him and his new woman etc maybe not straight away but in the future. So before I could decide not to do it - I unfriended them all.

I know that this is probably only a small thing and only a temporary improvement in my misery but it's all about small steps isn't it?

And in half an hour daughter is finishing her revision for the day and coming downstairs to watch a film with me.

ImperialBlether Sun 08-May-16 10:33:23

Regarding your garage - why don't you take what you want from it and then tell your husband he has to arrange the disposal of all of the rest? You shouldn't be left with all that to do.

I'm really glad your daughter is being good to you. When she goes to university will she be moving out? Are you going to look for a smaller place? Will you stay in the area?

ThankGodItsThursday Sun 08-May-16 11:28:11

Imperial, yes my daughter will be moving out when she goes to university. Which quite frankly I'm dreading now. Not that I will say anything to her. I thought that this would be a new chapter in our lives together. More time to do what we wanted etc.

I will have no choice but to look for a smaller place but hopefully within the sameish area.

Once the estate agents have been next Friday I will text my husband and tell him what they have said and say that we need to talk. There are still clothes of his here etc which he will have to collect.

Feeling pretty rubbish again this morning. I drove to his parents house to see if his car was there. It was but I just feel weak and stupid and desperate. I know what I'm feeling is normal in this situation but I just can't see any light at the end of the tunnel at the moment. Dreading weekends when I've got nothing to do and no one to talk to for days.

Teaandcakeat8 Sun 08-May-16 16:31:44

It's the biggest cliche going but time honestly is the best and one of the only healers. I think most of us have been in the position when you can't see an end to the pain but it will happen. Try to concentrate on the practical things for now and try not to look too far ahead into the future when it comes to the time you now have to spend alone. Your life will change and somehow you will fill it.

Have flowers and chocolate and remember that you are only just at the start of the emotional journey and please stop being so hard on yourself. One day when you get through this you'll be proud of how strong you are.

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