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How to stop feeling guilty

(8 Posts)
kateshair Sat 07-May-16 09:05:15

Been split with ex partner for two years now. We have an eight year old daughter. The split was difficult to say the least. He wouldn't accept I wanted to leave. He made it far harder than it needed to be...
Main reason for our split was that he drank every day. This wasn't so bad on a week day after work but weekends drove me mad. He thought/thinks this is fine and its me that's unreasonable.
I can't shake the guilt. I feel sad that my daughter will grow up with two homes. She asked me last week why can't you and daddy love together. I know she misses him.
Sometimes I look at other women and think they put up and get on with it so why couldn't I ?
Am hoping this is just a phase and it will pass for me. I'm not considering going back to him just wish I didn't feel so shitty about it all..
Any words of advice mums netters ?

ButIbeingpoor Sat 07-May-16 11:48:38

Don't feel any guilt. Not even a little guilt.
Your child needs a stable healthy home. An alcohol dependant parent can't provide this nor an example how adults behave. You have done the very best for your child by removing this influence from her home.

AntiqueSinger Sat 07-May-16 12:03:33

I can understand you mourning for the loss of what you wanted. No one envisions a marriage ending, or raising children without the stability of another parent.

But your reason for leaving was more than justified, and I daresay you were motivated to end it partly because you love your DD and didn't want to subject her to the insecurity of a 'Jeykll and hyde' character for a father.

As for other people, why should you place their choosing to stay as more valid than you choosing to leave? Everyone is motivated differently.

Remember your 8 year old DD is speaking exactly like an 8 year old. She hasn't the maturity or experience yet to see things in their full context. That's why you have to make the major decisions for her well-being, and you have here. You really have. Sometimes our dreams don't work out, but we have to be flexible enough to accept that life ultimately dictates how much we can take from it. None of this is your fault.

You are a great mum and a strong woman.

QuiteLikely5 Sat 07-May-16 13:33:56

Very well put antiquesinger!!

springydaffs Sat 07-May-16 21:12:19

She'll thank you for it when she's older and realises she has a pisshead for a father.

I do know the guilt, though. I really went through it when I left my horrifically abusive husband. It hurt the kids. I also thought - and still think, sometimes - couldn't I have just Found A Way.

but there was no way for me and there is NO way for you. You've forgotten the horror, op.

Perhaps join an al-anon group for a while, or read their stuff on the net. Just to remind yourself you did the right thing. Hands down.

kateshair Sun 08-May-16 11:24:39

Hi all thanks for all your comments they have helped somewhat.
I know deep down I had no choice. We had separate rooms and despite me asking him to stop/cut back he wouldn't. He portrays himself on face book as the victim and super dad. My daughter told me last week he said to her he could do with some support and that he gets lonely hence her getting upset. It tore me up inside. How do I deal with that ? He lives with his mother, buys her anything and seems to do all the fun things.

springydaffs Sun 08-May-16 12:30:18

Join an al-anon group op

RunRabbitRunRabbit Sun 08-May-16 19:51:27

It tore you up inside? It would make me furious. That's not a weight you put on an 8 year old's shoulders. How fucking dare he do that to his daughter. Of course she was upset! An alcoholic adult was spouting off to her. Not OK.

If he needs support he can go and get support. Not lay on a young child all the woe is me is me is me, feel sorry for me everyone, oh woe is me. God, he is pathetic.

Was he justifying drinking to excess in front of her?

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