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Fiancé - online adult websites etc

(38 Posts)
SunshineYellow715 Sat 07-May-16 00:55:23

I stumbled across my DP's 'private' email account yesterday. Had no idea he had it. It had just one email registering for an adult website which is predominantly pay for webcam/phone by the minute.

I was shocked. Really devastated. So I'm not proud but I went though his phone and found a few naked photos of girls spread over the length of our relationship... The most heartbreaking was a few close up face shots. They seem so personal.

I've always trusted him completely. I'm so naive im not even sure if this counts as cheating. Do i confront him? Its been 24hrs since the photos and I'm dying inside. confront him. Is there anyway this is innocent? Should I dig further? Can I do anything more? Is there anyway this doesn't ruin our whole relationship? I'm scared.

SmokyJoJo Sat 07-May-16 01:06:43

Hi OP
Sounds like you're understandably shocked & upset.
Speaking to your fiancé might clarify / help you

SunshineYellow715 Sat 07-May-16 01:11:38

Thanks JoJo. I know I need to speak to him. I'm just scared he'll lie or it'll be the tip of the ice berg

MiddleClassProblem Sat 07-May-16 01:13:29

I don't see anyway it can be innocent. He may not have felt it's cheating because it's not in person but it is a series of sexual encounters. How would he feel if you were doing that with men online?

Somerville Sat 07-May-16 08:48:34

I would view any sexual encounters with other people as cheating. So yes, sorry. flowers

I would also suspect that there was more that I didn't know about. Though I doubt he'd admit to the, so you'll never really know the extent of it.

The good news? You''re not yet married to him. Dump him, you deserve much better than this.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 07-May-16 08:56:30

I would also call this cheating. If the shoe was on the other foot I think he would not be at all forgiving.

You should be able to talk to him about anything, after all he is your fiancé. Does he deserve to be your fiancé now, there is no guarantee that he will stop this behaviour even after you do talk to him. I think he will try and lie and minimise his way out of it by trying to put doubts into your head.

I also think you deserve better from a relationship, he does not deserve to be with you any more.

TheNaze73 Sat 07-May-16 09:06:48

I think he's cheating too. In his mind, it's not physical so might think he's not but, emotionally he is. The fact he's keeping it private, suggests he knows he's doing something wrong though. Think if you want to stay in the relationship, you need to talk about it & he needs to address the issue of why he's doing it. I think he may be embarrassed about talking about his sexual likes & is too spineless to tell you, so is trying to compartmentalise his life, which is so wrong

AnotherEmma Sat 07-May-16 09:09:32

Don't marry him
If you're not ready to end the relationship, you should at least postpone the wedding

Autumnchill Sat 07-May-16 18:24:15

I know how you feel. It's been over a year since I discovered my husband had registered on numerous websites looking for an affair but not acted on it or paid any subscriptions.

I dug into his accounts and some good guesswork revealed a secret email address. Men are stupid, they tend to use the same email format and passwords.

I confronted him, words were had for some time, he didn't deny it. He offered an explanation, which I still don't fully accept but we are still together after working on the problem.

You need to do some digging to find out the full extent of it but you have to confront him about it.

suspiciousofgoldfish Sat 07-May-16 22:18:58

When someone asks you to marry them, it's fair to say that this stage of the relationship should be at its best, with that feeling of wonderful butterflies, filled with the promise of an exciting future together etc.

He is probably making the most effort he ever will right now. And he is doing this by paying to wank over live webcams of women pretending to enjoy masturbating infront of sad strangers?

What do you think he'll be doing when you are heavily pregnant, the size of a hippo and want to be in bed at 9pm every night? Or when you've had his baby and feel like you're insides are going to fall out and you feel at your most vulnerable and unsexy?

Don't marry him.

ConcreteUnderpants Sat 07-May-16 22:34:06

OP, I am going through a similar thing at the moment, so feel for you.
Have you spoken to him yet? Has he tried to worm his way out of it?
In my recent experience (and others' on this site), when caught, they will only admit to what you can prove they did. To find out the full truth is like pulling teeth. It is very painful and essentially pointless as they seem to do all they can to minimize.

Keep strong and sending you some
flowers

MagicMoonstone Sat 07-May-16 22:41:10

Surely you can find out if he has been viewing Web cams by checking bank accounts?

SunshineYellow715 Sun 08-May-16 12:13:47

Thank you for your responses. I feel so sick and haven't eaten properly since I found the email. I've spoken to some friends who are supportive. And I'm going to speak to him this evening.

He has his own bank account with a debit card which I don't see - it's all online although I will check this evening to see if there are any paper statements around.

Im worried he will lie. And not tell me the full story. As I have access to the private email account, I could reset his password for the adult site and log in and see what he has been doing. Is it worth it? To know? Although there's no going back then.

We bought a house a year ago. And I moved halfway across the country to be with him. It's been such a tough year settling in. Im so scared. I almost want to ignore it and just plough on.

SunshineYellow715 Sun 08-May-16 12:18:30

suspiciousofgoldfish i have the same fears about the future.

concreteunderpants and autumnchill I'm sorry to hear you're going through a similar thing. I have never doubted him before. Never worried. I felt so secure and safe with him.

I always said I would never tolerate any cheating and couldnt understood people who stayed together. But obviously now I realise it isn't that easy. He's my whole world. Has been for 5 years.

ConcreteUnderpants Sun 08-May-16 12:35:58

Sunshine, I totally get what you are saying about changing the parameters of what you find tolerable. It really isn't as simple when it happens to you, especially when there are mortgages and children involved.

You really do need to end this though, and I don't say that easily. If it was just porn, he would be on the porn sites. This is a site to specifically interact with escorts, either meets, video cam shows or buying their videos.
As I have painfully discovered, you will encounter lie after lie and experience the hell of a drip drip feeding of truth (as little as he can get away with) which is simply torture.

I have an account on AW now so if you know his username, I could potentially look at his profile for you. I wouldn't advise this as you'll just cause yourself more pain, but if you are like me, I masochisticlly went in search of all the gory details. PM if you want.

MiddleClassProblem Sun 08-May-16 12:45:05

If you ignore it and carry on then he will continue. There are always people, through our history and modern day, who are able to be in a relationship with someone as turn a blind eye if they have a mistress or are doing something on the side. I personally cannot imagine living my life like that. I think you deserve to be in the kind of relationship you want. Yes it's harder now you have a house and have been together 5 years but it will be so much harder if you can't live with and are married.
I would find confront him but decide what you want first. If he agrees to stop, you need to know he's not palming you off and will carry on after a month and be able genuinely trust that he won't do it again. If he gives you excuses, then that's that. He might blame you in some way but nothing you could have done means he can do this. If he had any probs he should talk to you about. This has been going on so long it's become a habit

SunshineYellow715 Tue 10-May-16 16:46:05

Before we spoke I checked the website - the account was deactivated and the username doesn't work.

We spoke and he was very angry and defensive. He says he can't remember the email address or website it ever using it or setting it up. And says he has never paid for anything online or done anything interactive. Although he does watch a lot of porn and we don't have enough sex.

He says the photos are all old, pre our relationship and can name the girls. And sent them to himself as he stumbled across them hence over 3 years. He doesn't really see it as a problem but apologised for hurting me and said he now has deleted them.

I have no idea what to think of believe.

SunshineYellow715 Tue 10-May-16 16:47:33

How do I know what to believe? Or think?

Jan45 Tue 10-May-16 17:05:04

He's bare faced liar OP, so sorry, he's been doing it the whole of your relationship, interactive web cams are all about sexual titillation to help him get off - sad dirty bastard. As for the pics of other women, WTF.

No way you can come back from this as he is clearly not going to admit anything, if you believe his crap and carry on you are basically saying it's ok to cheat on me, this is not a man that is worthy of marrying OP, he's proving that to you.

So sorry but you will have to stand your ground and tell him you are not accepting his bullshit about knowing nothing about it, so in other words, someone hacked his account, his PC - yeah sure.

AnotherEmma Tue 10-May-16 17:29:15

He is lying and minimising.

Are you still planning to marry him?

givepeasachance Tue 10-May-16 18:21:36

Although he does watch a lot of porn and we don't have enough sex.

That makes my skin crawl. He is warning you he may have an affair and if he does it will be all your fault because you don't provide enough sex. Yuckkkkkkkk

Do you really want to marry someone who makes threats like this?

SunshineYellow715 Sun 29-May-16 11:32:07

Update: we talked. He denied everything he could and dismissed it all as nothing/my fault. He then broke up with me. Which I guess makes it easier! Although I wish I had been strong enough to make that decision myself. At least it's over now.

Nearly 3 weeks in and it's getting easier. I moved out. Gone no contact (except we own a house together so will have to deal with that at some point).

I'm excited for the future and enjoying being able to make own decisions but obviously having bad days/waves of doubt and struggling not to call him and beg him to take me back.

Any advice/support/reassurance that I'll be happy and better than ok on my own (and could still meet someone else lovely for marriage and kids etc) would be lovely and well received!

foodiefil Sun 29-May-16 11:40:58

The best thing has happened! You're rid of a lying dirty prick.

It's scary now and anyone going through a break up will have doubts but you know in your heart of hearts it's for the best. There is absolutely something else out there for you. Something so much better!

You should be excited for the future - can you move back to where you want to be? Keep any communication strictly about house things. He's a loser.

Can you book a holiday? Or go away anywhere with friends? Congrats on your new life flowers

ConcreteUnderpants Sun 29-May-16 12:12:31

Well done, Sunshine!smile
Yes, it hurts like hell, yes you will waiver and have doubts you've done the right thing.
But trust us, you have! I am also 3 weeks post break up and starting to feel better. As I'm sure you do, I miss him everyday and can't imagine ever kissing anyone else again, but I am happier. My life is no longer full of lies and mistrust. I am not driving myself crazy with (well founded as it turned out) suspicion.
Well done on the no contact. It really does help and aid the recovery. Buy some shoes, get your eyebrows done, treat yourself to takeaways and binge on Netflix. Have that self-centred time and don't feel guilty about it. I've done all of the above and it's made me feel so much better and more confident in myself.

Keep strong - it can only get better.

suspiciousofgoldfish Sun 29-May-16 13:35:59

Oh I'm glad for you sunshine.

You dodged a bullet there.

He lied, just as you were afraid he would and yes, I think it was the tip of the iceberg.

You will see, you're about to be so much happier without him and you will meet someone wonderful (if that's what you want).

I was out of my mind about the guy I was with before meeting DH (totally obsessed, clinging on to his pathetic crumbs of attention, ignoring his blatant lies and too infatuated to see he was a horrible person) I still sometimes wake up in the middle of the night thinking "thank FUCK he left me!"

Don't be disheartened, life is going to get much better.

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