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My husband makes me depressed for the last 5 years, lost and confused

(10 Posts)
zulu3009 Fri 06-May-16 23:40:18

We've been married 10 years now but my hubby literally makes me depressed, he controls everything, does all the shopping, decides what we should eat, where we should or should not go. Never spends time with me, he's always on the phone talking to his friends or sitting in front of his computer. I have no family and friends. We have our adorable child, who is the only reason I'm going on. He is a great dad and loves our child very much but he's a horrible husband. I get Carers Allowance and from that I have to pay the water bill, my phone bill, half of the cost of a sofa set we bought (monthly debit), all mine and our child's basic needs like clothes and stuff. He's very controlling with me but when other people are there it's like butter wouldn't melt, he shows a different side that I rarely see. He readily gives money to his married kids every month even though they work and get salaries. His moods will shift continuously and I just feel like I'm only a housekeeper, cleaner and cook. Never appreciates anything I do. My confidence is at the lowest, I wanted to leave but he said I will not survive without him since I'm a foreigner and this is not my country but I do have permanent residence. I'm a mum I can't leave without my child, he's everything to me.
Please don't post rude comments, I am but a human being, broken and isolated.

springydaffs Sat 07-May-16 00:03:01

But you will survive without him - you won't be depressed. Imagine that!

Imagine doing what you like, when you like. Imagine being a full human being and enjoying lovely times with your son - with no worries about someone being horrible to you or forcing you to do this or that. Imagine wearing what clothes you like, decorating your house in the way you want. Imagine enjoying your life.

All that is possible - and not far away. Contact Women's Aid 0808 2000 247 (call at night if possible as lines busy during the day) or try your local Women's Aid if you can't call the main support line at night. You are in a very abusive relationship and Women's Aid are the experts about this and will help, support and advise you in all ways: emotionally, practically, legally, financially. Do give them a call at your earliest opportunity.

You are married so all marital assets will be split at least 50:50 (though you may get more than 50% if you are primary carer for your boy). You can see a family lawyer for a free first half hour to find out what you can expect to get when you leave him. Because leave him you must. BTW who are you getting carers allowance for? Does your husband work, do you have records of his salary, do you have access to his bank account?

Many of us have been where you are and we got out. You can do this, with the support on here and from orgs like Women's Aid. Do also have a look to see where you can join a Freedom Programme course near you. It is a wonderful course and I can't recommend it highly enough. It will show you in very clear ways how you are being abused.

It is VERY important you DO NOT TELL HIM what you are planning or researching - that you don't tell him about Women's Aid or the Freedom Programme. Do you know how to clear your internet history here

I'm so sorry you have had to endure such a terrible marriage. Things can only get better once you leave him flowers

goddessofsmallthings Sat 07-May-16 00:03:56

There's no reason why you can't leave your controlling h and take your dc with you.

Find your nearest Women's Aid service here and make contact on Monday morning: www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/

springydaffs Sat 07-May-16 00:07:58

A great dad doesn't control and abuse his children's mother. He is not a great dad.

KindDogsTail Sat 07-May-16 00:14:32

You do not need to go on this way. Follow the links SpringyDaffs and Goddess have posted.

Research secretly as Springy says.

It is not surprising you feel broken, but you don't have to be.

springydaffs Sat 07-May-16 16:53:58

Back in the day, women had to stay in marriages like this my mother for instance

But these days it's all out there - all the support, all the literature and books, the law. The path is well trod and well set out. It's not easy but it is possible - quite 'easily' possible.

You don't have to be a back in the day wife zulu flowers

zulu3009 Sun 08-May-16 21:44:12

Thank you so much springydaffs, goddessofsmallthings, KindDogsTail, I feel so relieved having let out my pent up feelings, I will definitely look up women's aid. Thanks for the confidence boost I needed that badly, hugs to u all 😊 Btw I'm full time Carer to my little one who is born with severe learning difficulties, and this is the main reason why I'm not confident if I could go it alone, but come to think of it I do everything for my son right from the sleepless nights and the doctors appointment and medicines, bathing feeding, continence, the list goes on, and husband doesn't so what difference would it make I'm more or less functioning like a single mum, nothing would change except my heart will be free of tension and stress👍🏼 Thanks again 💛💙

KindDogsTail Sun 08-May-16 22:17:24

Well done for zulu looking after your son so beautifully and managing to carry on even when life is being made even more difficult by your husband.

I don't think you realise how almost unbelievably strong you must be to do that!

KindDogsTail Sun 08-May-16 22:19:02

Sorry, -- your son --your little one

springydaffs Mon 09-May-16 00:41:03

Hear hear! flowers star

AND you've done it with one foot nailed to the floor! By that I mean your husband d-r-a-g-s you down, making everything soooo difficult. When it's difficult enough!

Good luck with the rest of your life, zulu! xx

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