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Cheating husband

(13 Posts)
mummycookie22 Fri 06-May-16 14:25:42

Hi everyone.
I am in a very low place at the moment in myself ... 3 years ago when i was pregnant with our daughter I suspected my husband was cheating. We were having a rough time mainly due to the pregnancy being painful start to finish .. He swore he wasn't.
I ended up on medication from the anxiety I had developed through paranoia .. Then i found messages on his phone.
He still swore nothing happened and so did she. They said it was just messages and they were just friends (she had a husband and 5 kids)

It took months to move past but i was so vulnerable I needed him.
I was glad I gave it another chance because after the bumps and tears over the months, we came out stronger and happier and more in love ...

3 months ago I got a message from the OW's husband saying she has finally admitted to having sex.
My OH denied this still!!
over the course of 3 weeks, I got it out of him and more details. They both said they had sex once and kissed 3 times (over 6months??!! ... I dont think so...)
I still think there was more ...
I lost my job in the process of all this ..

Anyway. I kicked him out. I left but missed the children too much so I went back. .. went back on medication. Came off medication because i couldn't handle the tiredness they caused.
We are living together and "trying" ... really I think I am just seeing how time passes.

I dont know what to do ... I love him. I do.
But I cant look at him the same ... The sex somehow is better than ever ???(although not half as much -due to me ofc) But I do not respect him the same and see him as a selfish, weak, narrow-minded liar.
Hes remorseful and swears he will do what ever it takes to make it upto me. I believe he will not do this again and he is really sorry.
But do i even want to go through all this again? The months of heartache and more medication?!
I think for the kids if anything we should try.
But in the meantime, I feel bipolar! One moment Im so happy we are strong enough to try and I fall into his arms like nothing ever happened. The next minute Im angry, disgusted and hate him being near me. Then numb again. Then everything again. Its not healthy ...
I cant get the images out of my head! everytime it makes me sick and breaks my heart ...
I even thought about having an affair to get back at him!! but this doesn't sound wise.
How long can we possibly go on like this? Should I just cut my losses and tell him to go? Or is love always worth saving?
Please help me i am so lost sad

springydaffs Fri 06-May-16 15:13:31

Hang on - you left? You left him with the kids? Shouldn't it have been him who left?

Maybe you do love him but he is a lying, cheating scumbag. He has proved that over and over. If you want a lifetime of anxiety, paranoia, losing jobs, and general headfuckery then stay with him. If not...

springydaffs Fri 06-May-16 15:15:31

I'm sorry you are going through this.

He has caused ALL of this, op. Think what you have been through, what he put you through! And he's STILL trying to cover his cheating, scumbag backside.

Costacoffeeplease Fri 06-May-16 15:16:18

Google hysterical bonding - it sounds like you might be in the grip of it

pippistrelle Fri 06-May-16 15:16:53

That's tough, OP, really tough. But it's such a personal decision. Sometimes, even though you love someone, that isn't enough to help you process all the feelings of betrayal and humiliation. The fact is he lied to you for a long time, even when he knew it was messing with your head. He only stopped telling lies when there was no further way to deny it. Those are very unattractive character traits and it's not surprising you've lost respect for him. On the face of it, it seems like a no-brainer but, clearly, there are positive things about your relationship too, not least your children.

I wonder would if help if you gave yourself some breathing space. I don't mean by leaving, I mean by deciding that you're not going to do anything for a set period - say another three months. By then, you will - I hope - feel less raw, more clear about your own feelings and what you want to do, and how you might achieve that. That might be counselling, either individual or as a couple. You might also have a clearer view of whether your husband is sincere, and if it's worth trying to build trust again, or if there's too much water under the bridge.

MatrixReloaded Fri 06-May-16 15:36:28

I'm sorry your going through this.

Although you suspected you've only just found out for certain. Three months is nothing in terms of dealing with infidelity. It's thought that it can take several years to recover , whether you stay together or not. Your feelings are entirely normal.

The intrusive images are referred to as mind movies. They will go in time. The sex is due to hysterical bonding. It won't last. Whether you continue to try or not is a personal choice and you'll probably frequently change your mind . Personally I think gaslighting you to the point you had to take medication is emotionally abusive and incredibly cruel.

It's not enough for him to simply say he's going to make it up to you. He needs to be transparent and also he needs to examine his character flaws that enabled him to do this. Cheaters have often been selfish for a very long time. I would look back honestly over your marriage. Has he typically been selfish ? Has he typically been comfortable lying to people ? Is he generally irresponsible ?

People often say it's very out of character , but on closer inspection thats often not true at all.

MatrixReloaded Fri 06-May-16 15:43:12

It also sounds like he's doing what's known as trickle truth. Typically more and more truth trickles out. It's unlikely that he is being honest about only having had sex with her once. Pretty much every cheater claims to have only done it once and immediately regretted it.

If he won't be honest with you your marriage has no chance of recovering.

AnyFucker Fri 06-May-16 15:45:39

If you have to take medication to stay in a relationship then it is utterly not worth it.

mummycookie22 Fri 06-May-16 15:46:44

Thank you for your comments everyone xx
Hysterical bonding soundsvery true!! Although i feel we are on the other side of it now ...
I think i know in my heart it will never be the same. I can already feel myself loding love for him and caring less about what is going on!
Hes even started getting narky at me for being up and down!!!!! 😠
"One minuite you love me then you want to end it! I cant keep up with you!" ...
Is it just me or does that make your blood boil!!! 😤😠😠
Id love to pm with anyone who can offer advice/listening/laughs.
Scared to tell many ppl in case we give it a go! So not got many ppl to talk to about it ...(Stupid i know but im embaressed!!)
He has always been very caring, very loving and a good dad.
But also minipulative, sneaky and yes he does very easily ... not looking good is it sad

mummycookie22 Fri 06-May-16 15:50:59

That was - he does lie very easily at the end.
(On my phone not pc so cant type very well lol)

hellsbellsmelons Fri 06-May-16 15:56:27

I'd love to help you by telling you to get rid of this lying, cheating scumbag.
He has put you through hell.
You are having to take medication.
I don't know why 'us women' are expected to keep trying 'for the kids'
Fuck that for a game of soliders!

But.... that is me and how I would respond.
This is you and your decisions may be very different to mine.

Give yourself some head space if you can. Away from him.
No contact with him, just time to really think about this.

I knew it would never be the same again.
I knew I would never look at him the same again.
He would always and forever be the man who could hurt me so much that words could not describe the pain I was suffering.
He would never again be the man who loved and protected me and would do anything for me.
He would always be the scumbag capable of cheating and breaking my heart.

As others have said - google 'hysterical bonding' and the 'pick me dance'
Are you having counselling?
If not this might really help.

Jan45 Fri 06-May-16 16:13:06

Sorry a six month affair is pretty much a work of pure deception, lying, sneaking, the lot, he even denied it when caught, sorry but I'd find it very difficult to move on, I mean, is he sorry or sorry he got caught, is there others, will there be others......I honestly think you need space from him and he should go, don't understand why you had to go in the first place, what a bastard after putting you through all that, you had to leave your home when you did nothing wrong.

I'd not trust him either OP, it all just sounds like another sweep under the carpet, for him, anyway.

MatrixReloaded Fri 06-May-16 16:28:22

Many cheaters have narcissistic qualities. Your husband sounds like he totally lacks empathy amongst other things.


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