Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
have you ever used adult friend finder or plenty of fish?(27 Posts)
If you have used either of the two sites above could you please tell me wether they work on a 'credit system' as in you pay say £20 which gets turned into credits which can then be spent sending individual messages? Each message sent costs a certain amount of credits.. If that makes any sense?
Long story short: I think my partner is trying to do damage control after I recently found out he had paid 2x £20 transactions through HMPV on the night I know he signed up to AFF and POF. I thought he 'only' signed up as a free member and didn't talk to anyone so I forgave him.
He claims that money was transferred to tokens to message people on ONE of the sites above, he cannot remember which it is and admits to sending a few messages and only one person replying who he then realised was a bot after a handful of messages.
I've googled and it doesn't look like either of those sites use this credit method. The only thing I can find 'dating' wise that uses credits is sexcam sites
Have you used these sites? Am I right in thinking they do NOT use 'credits' to allow you to message other members? And instead you just pay a fee for membership which gives you those features?
I know that whatever the answer this isn't right and i deserve better. I'm just trying to work out if he is continuing to lie to me. I told him i can forgive what he has done if and only if he told me the entire truth from that moment on. I made it very clear that if he told me a another lie about it then our relationship would be over.
Thank you in advance.
Pof is completely free
Not sure about adult finder
There is a site called zoosk or aimlier that has something to donwith credits.
Personaly i would ask too go through hes phone and emails.
POF you can use for free, including messaging people. There is an option to upgrade and pay for it, but I don't know who uses it (I don't and neither do my friends!).
No idea about AFF.
Sorry to hear you are going through this OP.
I think zoosk might be another one i saw in his emails at the time. I couldn't access that one through his emails though. Like an idiot I didn't make him show me the content of these profiles I just made him delete them in the hope it all just disappeared i guess. I am such an idiot, I would kill to see those messages now.
There's no point looking through emails now. This was a good while back. Years in fact. Finding the bank statement and transactions is a new development though. As far as I was concerned at the time he hadn't spoken to anyone at all.
On a somewhat related note I once got a fake PayPal email saying someone spent over £100 on Zoosk, so I downloaded the app from the app store (not from a link in the email) and apparently i had signed up before many years ago. Anyway I'd seen there was no credits or whatever on my account my bank said I was fine, so i deleted the app. I kept getting daily messages for what seemed like months
Just because you deleate the app doesnt mean your account is deleated.
The credits i would im sure itd be zoosk
What is it you would like to happen
I know wondering soul, it's just I didn't have them before I downloaded the app so I thought they'd go away after I deleted it, as I had already had the account from years ago. They've stopped now though thankfully
I have used both. AFF is a monthly fee and as far as I'm aware (going back 10 years) has never used a credit system. POF has always been free to my knowledge.
I don't know what I want to happen. I just want all of this not to have happened if I'm honest.
It's not fair that he lied about it for so long. This wasn't what I had agreed to forgive. had I known I would have never upped and left my home town to move hundreds of miles away, with him, completely isolate myself and have his children.
This isn't fair. This goes way beyond 'I was drunk and it just happened' he paid £40 to try (and maybe succeed I don't know) to cheat on me. I've been nothing but faithful to him.
I feel like shit.
So the zoosk coins.... Can you send messages without them or are they a 20 coin per message sent type thing?
I'll look into these for you, OP. I know what it's like to live with a liar. Give me a few minutes.
Thank you imperial.
He's destroyed my confidence. I've never felt so small and insignificant in my life
First of all, this is what happens with photos (from Wikipedia):
In August 2014, Zoosk added its Photo Verification service, designed to prevent users from "posting photos of themselves when they were 10 years younger or 20 pounds lighter". To verify a photo, users are asked to take a video selfie in order to record their appearance from multiple angles.
Again, according to Wikipedia, this is how the prices work.
Until November 2014, Zoosk charged no fee to start using the app and to send one message to another person. Since November 2014, contact and interaction beyond the first message per person requires a premium (i.e., paid) subscription.
Zoosk coins seem to be used to give virtual gifts (why would anyone do that?) and to 'unlock conversations.'
This blog might help you with this.
Here’s a link to their pricing guide. He has to be a member to send messages, but can receive them if he’s a free member. (I don’t think many men get a lot of messages on that sort of site unless they’ve sent one first.) On the American site there's an activation fee ($20) as well as the monthly fee - not sure whether that's the case now.
Basically, though, Zoosk doesn't seem to act on a credit system - if both people are members then they can exchange messages.
This is from the American site - FAQ about the coins and what you use them for.
I can't imagine it's much different here.
Adult Friend Finder
This isn't looking good right from the start. Just by entering the name into Google, this tag comes up, attached to their own site:
Find a fuck buddy for online sex, adult dating and one night stands at AdultFriendFinder. Being the best of sex sites, we guarantee you'll get laid.
The fact he's on that site says a lot.
Regarding payments, this is what Wikipedia has to say:
Joining and creating a profile is free; however, users cannot access certain features without a paid membership, which comes in three levels, Silver, Gold and VIP. Members can use the blog system to write their own blogs and respond to others in the community. Free members also have access to regular chat lobbies. Paying users can view others' profiles and access communication services such as e-mail, private chat rooms, webcams, blogging, and a webzine. Members can purchase subscription upgrades for benefits such as higher search rankings. Members can broadcast their webcams publicly to each other. Chat room viewers can page the broadcasting member to ask to initiate a personal chat session.
My ex put a profile on Adultfriendfinder, I found the browser history on our family computer when I was googling.
He also said he was just on there to look at real women's tits ( because you can't find tits on the Internet obvs )
When he was away on tour he left his email open, I went to Adultfriendfinder and requested a new password. I logged in and he'd booked himself a gold membership. This was a one off annual payment which allowed him to contact other members with unlimited access to pictures, number of emails sent etc Otherwise they limit the number of members you can contact and the number of messages you can send.
He promised to cancel the account. He reregistered and was caught by me eight times. He told me he never contacted anyone, then I found an email prepared on word that he sent.
Eight times on one site that I knew of.
The credit thing sounds like sexcams to me. You buy them so that you can request live camera participants to do certain things to get your rocks off.
All behind your back sounds very underhand op. Even finding one site, doesn't guarantee he isn't on all of them. There are loads...Ashley Madison etc
It's going to be very hard to live with the cold sick feeling of what he's up to every time he's on his laptop or phone.
We had counselling, he promised to stop, then once be moved countries and he was a stay at home dad he was advertising himself (and we live in a tiny village ffs) for sex while our DS was at school. Probably in our house.
Don't live with this...I'm completely f'ck'd up sweetheart. Don't be me....
You are not small and insignificant and you deserve a good life. If you feel like this please try and get some personal counselling to help you decide what to do for you.
And think about what you want for the future. To live in constant fear and sickness, suspicious and miserable. Or to trust yourself and live a life worry free.
Thank you both. Having never used any sites like this most of that information has gone straight over me but I agree it doesn't seem like zoosk does work on a pay as you message credit system.
AFF and POF also don't work on pay as you message credit system so he IS still lying then I'm guessing
How I see it is he either paid membership for two sites which then invalidates his 'I only messaged three people' or he signed up to zoosk and used the credits on the carousel thing which begs the question did he meet up with anyone?
I'm so so fucking angry. He should have just told me
The thing is that if you buy the coins or whatever they are, you also have to have full membership. It's an add-on, not instead-of.
Which means either way he's lied. He said the second transaction was the second lot of coins.... It wouldn't have been it would have had to be the first lotSz
I'd start with the premise that he's lying whenever he opens his mouth. You told him the relationship would be over if you found out he'd lied again, so the horrible thing you have to decide is whether to end it now. I'm so sorry you're in that situation.
Are you discovering all this through online banking?
Why would he lie and imply he sent enough messages to cost £40 worth of coins if really it was only £20 worth because the other £20 was a membership fee? The lie he told is actually worse which means whatever it is that he is hiding here is obviously worser still.
It was originally discovered by me using his laptop and seeing them In his internet history. I then looked through his emails and managed to see the profile he created on AFF, POF and F-buddy. After much deny he admitted he created those accounts out of idle curiously, nothing more than that.
It was last month that I happened to be sorting out our paperwork folder and was putting his 6 years worth of bank statements into order. Something compelled me to go back a few years (2012, I did say it was a while back!) and there it was. Two transactions through HMPV on the date He signed up to these sites (my brothers birthday) He lied until I shoved the bank statement in his face.
I'm certain he hasn't done anything like this since. It's not his faithfulness to me now that I don't trust. I just don't trust him to tell me the truth about things he's already done. I know what I'm like. I will torture myself with this trying to make sense of it and figure out what really happened. If he could just tell me the truth I could process this properly and hopefully move on.
Join the discussion
Please login first.