Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Pathetic, dead beat abuaive ex wants me back

(20 Posts)
Jellybeam Fri 06-May-16 13:19:58

Just got a call from my loser ex wanting to meet up and fix things between us. We have a 4 month old DD and he hasn't seen her in 2 months. He was abusive to me in my pregnancy and after DDs birth. He has never changed a nappy or looked after her for more than an hour. I hate his guts for what he has put us through but I feel like eventually we'll get back together. I don't know what to do. I tell myself that he may get help for his problems then again I think he will never change. Right now I think he's calling because he's lonely, that's why I think he's pathetic. I don't know what I'm really asking just having a rant. Advice is appreciated smile

SoleBizzz Fri 06-May-16 13:23:02

Your gut instinct is correct. He us everything you said he is plus a user. Are you lonely too?

StickTheDMWhereTheSunDontShine Fri 06-May-16 13:25:47

I think the correct response to him is "fuck off" "not on your nelly"

Expecting you to gratefully hop straight back into his bed is just another symptom of his selfishness.

I hate his guts for what he has put us through but I feel like eventually we'll get back together.

OK, you're having a wobble, so we'll let you off smile but those two parts of the sentence do not belong together. At. All.

WorraLiberty Fri 06-May-16 13:28:10

You can't do anything about him because he is who he is.

But you can work on you, and why you feel you'll end up taking him back.

What's all that about? You're rid of him now.

cozietoesie Fri 06-May-16 13:34:15

Yes - what is it that makes you think you'll 'get back together'?

And remember, whatever he does in the future would affect your DD as well. Are you prepared for that?

Waltermittythesequel Fri 06-May-16 13:36:03

I hate his guts for what he has put us through but I feel like eventually we'll get back together

Don't plan on getting back together with someone you hate!

Remember how he treated you. Is that what you want for you? For your dd?

QuiteLikely5 Fri 06-May-16 13:40:09

Life with an abuser is simply like being on a hamsters wheel - you will continuously go round and round suffering the same type of crap until you take yourself of the wheel.

Stay on the wheel and you will be abused, then he will be a little bit nice and then he will be nasty again and on it goes..........

I am more concerned that you are considering raising your child with an abuser as an example to her, witnessing abuse damages children far more than you probably realise, it does not matter if she is not being abused it still has huge effects.

If you insist on getting back with him - don't let him move in with you, keep your independence- which btw he will hate

AdoraBell Fri 06-May-16 13:40:47

Write a list of all the things he did and why you left him.

read it before deciding to meet up. Imagine your DD is telling you what her partner has done and she is asking your advice.

SmallLegsOrSmallEggs Fri 06-May-16 13:49:25

Don't assume you'll get back with him in the future because you have got back with in the past.
It often takes people more than one attempt to be free but that does not mean they don't succeed in the end.

Turn it around, if you got back with him, it's inevitable you'll split up again (so there's no point).

And you have an extra reason, your DD, not to go back.

You are better off without him and despite anything he may have said about you needing him, or deserving him, or not being able to do better, you will be just fine and dandy without him.

Limit his opportunitues to say anything to you at all. He does not define you. What he says about you and to you is bollocks. All of it.

If you feel this is too hard alone, get help- family, MN, read Lundy Bancroft, go to WA, do the Freedom Programme, keep posting here.

I have never yet read a thread where someone has said they were delighted they went back to an abusive ex. Many where people who thought the same as you, that it was inevitable, and then realised they were far stronger than they thought.

You can do this OP.

Joysmum Fri 06-May-16 13:56:01

If you get back with him, he'll continually push you to your limit, and only to where he thinks your limit is so you don't leave.

You'll never experience what it's like to be with someone who truly loves you and just wants to make you happy.

What a waste of a life sad

Topseyt Fri 06-May-16 14:56:18

Why would you get back together with someone you hate?

You have made the break now. Are you not happier without his miserable arse around?

Duckdeamon Fri 06-May-16 15:01:17

Well done for getting out. As Pp say perhaps try the freedom programme and read up on abusers. He is unlikely to have changed. Many abusers don't over many years.

If he wants to become a good dad, pay maintenance, have regular contact etc that's entirely possible without being in a relationship with you.

Costacoffeeplease Fri 06-May-16 15:22:16

Why would you get back with him? Seriously?

hellsbellsmelons Fri 06-May-16 16:11:40

Call Womens Aid urgently.
0808 2000 247
Find out from them where your nearest and soonest Freedom Programme course is.
You need to do the Freedom Programme and you need to do it fast.

This man in an abuser. Why do you want that for yourself and your DD?
She will end up with a man exactly like her father if you let her see that as relationship to model.
How would you feel about your DD being with a man like this?
Not good eh???
Well then why inflict it on her for the rest of her life?
Why do you think you are worth so little?
I can only assume your upbringing wasn't great.
And you want to perpetuate that!???
Please don't.
Break the cycle. It's within your power to do that.

He doesn't have a problem you can solve.
YOU cannot fix him.

Please look into co-dependency.
You will find yourself there.

Also get the book suggest up thread (Lundy Bancroft)
Read it and digest it.

Do not put yourself into an abusive relationship.
Do not put DD into an abusive relationship.

Hissy Fri 06-May-16 17:08:29

NO YOU WILL NOT END UP BACK TOGETHER!

he abused you in pregnancy, his abuse will only ever worsen, he could really hurt you, kill you even.

Do not have anything to do with him and fight like a tiger to keep him away from your babies.

He's not good enough to be involved with them. Contact is for the benefit of the children, he's never going to be any use for anything or anyone.

DistanceCall Fri 06-May-16 18:19:55

You want to do that to your daughter? Seriously?

LittleHouseOnTheShelf Fri 06-May-16 18:21:27

I think that the best thing you can suggest is that he fucks off takes a long walk off a short pier.
You deserve so much better and so does your DD. He doesn't deserve you.

Hedgehogparty Fri 06-May-16 18:51:16

So he's basically come crawling back because he's lonely? Hardly a positive reason plus he sounds horrible anyway.
Keep strong, phone Womens Aid and get support to keep him out of your life.

SmallLegsOrSmallEggs Fri 06-May-16 19:24:19

You don't have to do anything he wants. Tgat includes not having to take his calls.

Of you find you cannot get your thoughts together when you are in phone or he is browbeating you, insist he communicates only by text or email. Then you can answer when ready.

You owe him nothing.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now