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DP's alcoholic boss is making my life hell

(20 Posts)
Marquand Fri 06-May-16 10:42:02

I'm really really annoyed with my DP's boss.

Not many people know it, but she is a raging alcoholic, though a functional one. DP used to be a heroin addict, and came clean about 12 years ago. He has tried to help her, encouraging her to go to AA, etc. That didn't work. The crazy boss doesn't have a car or a driver's license, and (at 49) she lives with her parents. She doesn't have transport to go to the meetings, except with her mother, who also attends as she is an alcoholic too. And crazy boss doesn't want to attend the same AA meeting as her mother.

When DP came clean, NA didn't work for him, but he had a "counselling relationship" with a rehabilitated junkie. He says that that relationship saved his life, and has tried to help his boss. I've known about it all along. Unfortunately, in the process she has become obsessed with him.

In January - when we were on holiday - she sent me a fb message claiming they had been sleeping together, and he told her he deeply loved her, etc. I didn't get the message then, due to privacy settings, but about two weeks ago, while fiddling on fb, I saw it. I actually saw it just before I was about to leave for a 24 week pregnancy appointment, with DP by my side.

She had assumed I would never read the message and got away with it, and never tried to contact me after that. After I finally read the message, I asked to meet up, and she immediately blocked me on FB and whatsapp. I told DP to tell her to contact me (or else). I then got a long message, saying that she had a crush on him but nothing happened (she did ask him to sleep with her to 'boost her confidence', but he declined). Nice person. She got sober in December trying to win him over, and us going on holiday made her go on a drinking binge, "and I say things I'm ashamed of when I'm drunk". I was reasonably polite in my response, and told her to leave my family alone.

The next thing I got a barrage of emails saying that she is tired of protecting DP, and wants to meet up and discuss things. I declined, and asked to be left alone. Again. Since then she is bombarding me with emails (among them, declaring 'shame on me', for what reason I cannot fathom) with the same accusations. Every time I tell her to leave me alone. And she comes back. Even though there is a tiny part in my mind that believe her, I'm not going to entertain it. (And every time she harasses me, and makes outrageous claims about me, that part gets smaller).

We have a good relationship, and this horrid incident has actually strengthened it. We have two kids (6 and 3). They are completely adorable and make me boundlessly happy, but they are hard work. At the end of July no 3 will arrive. I work full time at a stressful job. We've recently bought and moved into a new house. I am so exhausted when I get home that I usually collapse about the same time that the kids are asleep. I really don't have the strength to deal with this.

DP has cut all ties he's had with the woman - no more counselling relationship, no more friendship - but she is still his boss. I have ensured she fully knows that any correspondence she sends to me is forwarded to him, and he has been copied on all mails I've sent to her. He is better than me at not giving a shit. He says engaging with her (even if you just ask her to leave us alone) will elicit further response, and I think he is right. I've not responded to the latest torrent of abuse and accusations.

All that being said, this is a very stressful and distressing situation. I've directed her messages to the spam folder on my mail, but (against my better knowledge) I still check it.

What do I do?

KelleBelle Fri 06-May-16 10:49:28

Ooh that's horrible.

I've been in a similar situation and I also couldn't help but check my messages.

Trust me though, you are best ignoring her completely. I let it go on far too long and it made me miserable.

Block her if you can and try to move forwards with your family.

QuimReaper Fri 06-May-16 10:51:01

Holy Moly OP, what a nightmare.

Does the buck stop with her? I mean, is there anyone senior to her or is she the CEO? Guessing not with the living with the parents.

If there is, it is definitely time for a serious workplace complaint by your DP. There is plenty of evidence.

Can I ask why he hasn't done that already? Sense of loyalty to her because of her illness, or something else?

rumred Fri 06-May-16 10:55:09

She may be an alcoholic but she also sounds like your husbands bit on the side. Perhaps you should do some more digging and not be so keen to believe his story. I'm sorry you're in such a stressful situation

MTPurse Fri 06-May-16 10:57:38

Why is your dp still working there?

QuiteLikely5 Fri 06-May-16 10:59:58

What sort of job is this? Why isn't he looking for a new post?

If she said she asked to sleep with him and he declined did he confirm this? And why didn't he tell you at the time........

Marquand Fri 06-May-16 11:03:53

MTPurse Because we need the money. I'll soon be on maternity leave on reduced pay. We've recently bought a house. School fees for two schools need to get paid.

rumred I've considered the situation, and, even though there is a faint possibility that she might be telling the truth, I'm not going to go down that route. It is a calculated decision and I know that has some risk attached to it, but I don't have the time or energy to go sleuthing around. Also, if there was something (which I doubt), it is over, and I know his loyalties lie with me.

EssentialHummus Fri 06-May-16 11:05:09

Does the buck stop with her? I mean, is there anyone senior to her or is she the CEO? Guessing not with the living with the parents.

^This. As wary as I am of them usually, I'd be going to HR / the most senior relevant line manager with factual, calm details of all of this and explaining that your DP's work is being substantially affected by this woman's actions towards him.

Blossomflowers Fri 06-May-16 11:06:07

OP that sounds like a horrid situation though I am sorry I kind of agree rumred, I think they have been having an affair and your DP is not being honest.

Marquand Fri 06-May-16 11:08:36

Re DP's job, he is actively looking for something else, and there is a good possibility of that something will come through in the next week or so. He has been looking for some time. The bomb only burst two weeks ago. For me, it would be more stressful to not have his salary than have him working there.

The company's management is a bunch of tossers - we are currently dealing with a crisis in medical aid coverage (we're not in the UK) that was caused by their incompetence and not giving a shit. They won't do a thing.

hellsbellsmelons Fri 06-May-16 11:08:37

Keep all the evidence.
Get your DH to check the emails every evening and don't be tempted to look.
If they are abusive and you are getting lots of them then you can report her to the police for harassment.
I'd be telling your DH to tell her that you will report her if the harassment doesn't stop!

QuiteLikely5 Fri 06-May-16 11:11:14

Very bizarre indeed. Have you considered that he doesn't want to go to HR because he has been sleeping with her and knows you will find out if he tried to take a stand against her ????

ZacharyQuack Fri 06-May-16 11:18:21

I think you should tell your DH that you want to go to the police about this, and watch his reaction very carefully.

Marquand Fri 06-May-16 11:24:17

I don't even think there is a proper HR function at his company. I've not even considered informing them, as the admin of the company is completely useless.

I think a charge is best, if she persists.

janaus Fri 06-May-16 12:24:03

Can you block her email address

Marquand Fri 06-May-16 12:50:30

OK, after yet another email, with more allegations, I've responded to her (hopefully for the last time).

I know they have been communicating on whatsapp. So I've told her to mail me any incriminating conversations, emails, or whatever else she believes. There needs to be proof of infidelity in his own words.

If she is not able to do that, she should not ever contact me again. If so, I'll lay a charge of harassment at the police, and will inform her employers as well.

Short and not sweet.

ChicRock Fri 06-May-16 12:54:45

Is your DP just completely passive in all of this? What's he actually doing to stop this, because he could, very very easily.

VimFuego101 Fri 06-May-16 13:57:49

Exactly, ChicRock.

Jan45 Fri 06-May-16 16:38:40

Is your OH deaf and dumb, why are you dealing with this and not him - in fact whey are you both not informing the Police.

Sorry to say but it sounds like something did go on with the two of them, she may be an alcoholic but she manages to be a boss and pretty much sounds like the scorned OW.

Hissy Fri 06-May-16 17:05:21

Stop allowing her access to you! She has nothing to do with you and is abusing her position to harass you.

Block her today, and make sure DP does the same.

I hope he gets a new job soon.
Can dp sue her for sexual discrimination? Constructive dismissal?

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