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Trust issues

(44 Posts)
KelleBelle Fri 06-May-16 07:56:59

I have been with DP for almost 2 years.

We had a very rocky start due to his ex, however, we became inseparable pretty quickly.

He works in sales so spends a lot of time on the road travelling. He has an office based team that book his appointments so is in constant contact with them.

His relationship with his team was always good and he would spend a lot of time chatting... not only about work but also what's happening in his personal life.

One of his team members is a woman.... I'm guessing she's about 26ish. She's very pretty and he seemed to spend a lot more time talking to her than the chaps.

One day I was laying next to him watching a film and he got a whatsapp. I noticed it was her. I quizzed him so he scrolled up the page and I noticed she had sent him pics of her new hairdo and he'd obviously stopped somewhere for a coffee which was a beautiful lake (where he takes me when we go out on the motorbike) and he'd sent her a picture of that. I told him outright I didn't like it and he told me it was innocent and not to worry.

Then I noticed she's also on his Facebook.... I'm OK with that. Then I notice she's on his instagram..... I don't even know why he has instagram because he set it up to see his kids pics so he has them on it, a couple of random and her. Then I notice she's on his twitter. Again, he rarely uses twitter. It has his kids, a few motorbike people. And her. Then lo and behold he opens his snapchat to see kids stories (as he only uses it for them) and there she is again.

So I probably wouldn't bother if all his workmates were on all these things but they aren't. It's just her. And I truly believe it's him that's looked for her and added her. But why?

There's another woman who he works with that he has to meet up with for meetings too but I don't get why she's the only one. He doesn't seem to have to meet up with any of the blokes.

I don't think he'd ever do anything behind my back but I can't seem to make him understand that his overall "friendliness" could quite easily be misinterpreted.

Maybe I don't have trust issues. Maybe I'm just a jealous bitch.... I'd hate to think that though.

The way I see it, with regards 1st woman he speaks to her on and off ALL DAY in the car. I don't get why he also needs her on these other apps too.

Somebody shake me... I am being a nightmare GF and I don't want to be freaking every time his phone goes off sad

Cabrinha Fri 06-May-16 08:11:46

I think you need to explain more about the rocky start due to the ex.

If that rocky start was him sleeping with his ex, it puts a different spin on things.
And somehow, I'm guessing it was.

KelleBelle Fri 06-May-16 08:18:33


It was a really messy separation. He left her before we got together and has never contacted her since unless through a solicitor.


Cabrinha Fri 06-May-16 09:54:51

Right, so why is that a rocky start for you with him?

Kn33 Fri 06-May-16 09:55:52

I would be outright telling him to remove her. Controlling or not.
She's a work colleague not a friend.

Tiggeryoubastard Fri 06-May-16 10:01:30

You'd be telling another adult what to do, kn? That's awful. I'd advise anybody that's treated like that to ltb immediately. Red flag central.

KelleBelle Fri 06-May-16 10:07:58

It was a rocky road because he was a victim of DV.

It's taken him months of counselling to accept that he wasn't weak for being a male victim of DV.

Kn33 Fri 06-May-16 10:08:00

If my partner was doing something that made me feel uneasy, then absolutely yes I would be wanting him to stop!
Whether it was following someone on every social media going or something else!
I would tell him, I don't like X, it makes me feel Y, the only way I will feel better about this is if you do Z, and I don't think that's unreasonable at all..

Cabrinha Fri 06-May-16 10:16:36

So you believe that he's looked for and added her on all the social media options - but you don't know? You haven't asked?

Tiggeryoubastard Fri 06-May-16 10:33:11

Telling someone you don't like something is fine. Telling someone to stop is not. Expecting them to stop something you don't like is debatable. Just because you don't like it doesn't make it wrong, necessarily, and that's controlling. And quite disturbing.

KelleBelle Fri 06-May-16 10:41:49

I didn't ask who had added who....

I asked why he had her on everything. He said he didn't really know, he'd just added her.

His ex isolated him.... didn't let him socialise with folk (I know she had massive issues with this colleague though)

I want to let him do what he wants.... he's a grown adult. I just don't get why he wants to see every single thing this person is sharing. I don't want to be insecure but at the same time I don't want things that don't need to be a problem, become a problem if that makes sense.

He told me that a friend of mine was annoying him. I've been friends with her for years and while we were both on our own, we were probably each others only adult company friends wise. I don't really mix and neither does she.

She messaged and called constantly through the day and it interrupted our time in the evenings. He didn't like it so I allowed the friendship to drift to a more normal level. He pointed out that I would get too sucked into games on my phone so I deleted everything. I enjoyed paranormal events, and anything a bit weird.... he didnt like it so i stopped. It's not like I'm unreasonable. I listen when there's something he is uncomfortable with and I address it.

I'm not telling him he can't talk to her.... I just don't get why he wants to see everything. And if it's "normal" to be like this, how do I learn to cope with my jealousy/insecurity.

Kn33 Fri 06-May-16 11:05:46

Id rather be in a relationship where we can both say I don't like that and the other stops it. There's never been unreasonable requests on either part and works for us Trigger.
If you see that as controlling I'm not quite sure how you would deal with your partner doing something you don't like or feel OK with?
Just suck it up and pretend all is fine and dandy? That's not for me thank you very much.

OP I can see why this is a bit of a sensitive situation for you, and if he was following several work people or old friends just to see more interesting things but the particular interest in this woman is what would be bothering me, and I don't think that is normal, IYSWIM?

Rubberduck2 Fri 06-May-16 11:06:00

You have my full sympathies, I am going through something similar atm and its started to destroy us. You lose sight of reality over imagination.I am going to go to CBT via my GP which helps you train your thoughts from negative to positive. Never really been one to be "into" that type of thing but right now I'll do anything. I'm 11 weeks pregnant and finding it hard to cope. Just knowing I have something in the pipeline helps x

Kn33 Fri 06-May-16 11:09:39

Sorry that should say see more interesting things then I'd probably understand it*

Tiggeryoubastard Fri 06-May-16 11:12:20

As you said initially you would tell someone not to do something you don't like I replied that its controlling. Expecting them not to do something just because you don't like it, as you said, is also controlling.
If my dp was doing something I didn't like I'd assess whether I was being unreasonable or if he was. Then would discuss it and review both sides. If it was something that was unreasonable, ie shagging someone or being abusive then I wouldn't even bother telling them not to do it, it'd be over.
You seem to have changed your stance a couple of times since your first post, though. Maybe you worded it more strongly than you realised.

hellsbellsmelons Fri 06-May-16 11:22:58

So you dumb down a friendship because he says so.
You give up something you like and enjoy because he says so.
Not liking the sound of this - sorry!

Kn33 Fri 06-May-16 11:25:07

Perhaps I did word It more strongly, but in this circumstance it would almost be a case of telling. Its not changing my stance it's perhaps clarifying what I meant. It's something I feel is becoming a threat to my relationship to do with another woman. I have my boundaries on what I am and am not ok with when it comes to other women as he does with other men. And if he crosses that he would be told to stop.. And if he didn't then he's not for me.
If we're talking please don't get that haircut/change l your job/be friends with that person because he's a bit of a lad/buy that horrific looking car then obviously it is time for a discussion not a 'telling off'.

Socialmediahell Fri 06-May-16 11:25:26

I am quite a jealous person when it comes to my bf. I try to keep it in, as I know how unattractive it can be. I would have a problem with this relationship between him and his colleague.

some might say that it is your own insecurities that you need to work on, and that is probably true. it sounds like he's not really being sneaky or anything, so it could well be that there is nothing to hide.

if only I could take my own advice and chill out!

Tiggeryoubastard Fri 06-May-16 11:29:02

I get your point. My concern with this particular thread is that the ex wife also had issues with his relationship with this woman. It is odd.

Socialmediahell Fri 06-May-16 11:38:41

That's what I thought Tigger

I would also hate the thought of my partner sitting somewhere nice and pretty, and sending a photo to another woman rather than to me. Or the pics from her with a new hair do?! I'm sorry of I sound like a jealous cow, but I wouldn't want my bf receiving photos at all from another woman!!

maybe I need to work on myself!!

Kn33 Fri 06-May-16 11:39:07

On that we agree Trigger. Whatever she may or may not have been, there must have been reason behind the ex also having an issue with this particular woman. X

Tiggeryoubastard Fri 06-May-16 11:42:06

Both could be innocent, neither would ring alarm bells for me, I could see myself sharing the pic of the place if we'd been discussing it, I can see the hairdo pic could be a follow on from a convo, but it's all of it together that makes it seem off.

Tiggeryoubastard Fri 06-May-16 11:42:55

smile Kn

Kn33 Fri 06-May-16 11:50:29

Hellsbells -
He has his boundaries for other men, that I wouldn't cross, I have mine that he wouldn't cross. I have plenty of friendships and plenty of things I do that I like and enjoy with no issues, and we both have ample freedom and free time. If either of crossed the line for the other then yes we would certainly be reminding them.

Tiggeryoubastard Fri 06-May-16 11:52:44

I think that was to the OP, Kn. It fits directly with what was said by her.

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