Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

My dd 16 was sexually & physically assaulted

(17 Posts)
d374 Fri 06-May-16 06:05:58

She doesn't know I know. I found out last night and I feel sickened and upset she couldn't tell me. There was evidence a week or so ago but I was given a very plausible story to explain it away and I believed it. My heart sinks. She put herself in a vulnerable position and this was the outcome. It was someone she knew. I don't know what to do. I want to protect her. She has ongoing MH issues and I cannot tell her I know as there is a very real probability of serious self harm. I hurt for her. She already has all the professional care in place it's possible to have. I feel sick thinking of my poor child in that situation.

Smurfling43 Fri 06-May-16 06:13:05

I couldn't read and run, your poor daughter.
My dd also has self harmed, does your dd see a counsellor that you could also see ?

d374 Fri 06-May-16 06:18:36

Although everything is in place for my dd she refuses to engage.

Smurfling43 Fri 06-May-16 06:23:39

Do you have any support from therapeutic services for yourself ?

d374 Fri 06-May-16 06:28:44

I am waiting for counselling.

DozyDotes Fri 06-May-16 06:34:06

flowers and a hand hold for you OP. I didn't want to read and run either. Hopefully someone will be along soon with lots of good advice.

You're not alone in not knowing how to handle worrying information about a DD. It's really hard to know how to handle things in a way that protects their dignity, keeps communication open and doesn't make things worse. Especially when there's MH issues to navigate too. Your poor DD. It's like they forget where they can get unlimited love and support. I hope she remembers soon.

Just5minswithDacre Fri 06-May-16 06:42:59


How did you find out?

d374 Fri 06-May-16 06:54:43

I can't reveal how I found out, it's too identifying.

katemiddletonsnudeheels Fri 06-May-16 06:55:36

I'm so sorry flowers

Just5minswithDacre Fri 06-May-16 07:09:52

Definitely not something you can broach with DD? The way you found out is problematic in terms of bringing the subject up with her? Poor both of you. Is the wait for counselling very long?

d374 Fri 06-May-16 07:59:16

I haven't been told the waiting for counselling but last time it was about 3 months

Just5minswithDacre Fri 06-May-16 08:58:04

Sorry to hear it.

AristotlesTrousers Fri 06-May-16 09:14:32

Do you think there's any way you or somebody else would be able to gently broach the subject, OP?

I know my situation may have been rather different, but I was assaulted by a school friend when I was 17 and never told anybody because I didn't think they'd believe me.

Tbh I may not have admitted it anyway even if somebody had tried to convince me, but one of my regrets 20 years later is that nobody ever questioned the presenting situation - they all assumed I was just heartbroken and emotional (I was also a self-harmer, though mostly because my abuser had done such a convincing character assassination on me).

I don't know if any of that is helpful to you OP, because only you know your daughter best. I'm just thinking of the long-term effects of not being able to deal with assault when it happens, but of course if she is very fragile, you may be more worried about the immediate effects of doing so, which is completely understandable. flowers

Mandatorymongoose Fri 06-May-16 10:21:55

I found myself in a similar situation a couple of years ago (I have a couple of threads about it I think under this name). My DD was 14 though which meant that she had less choice in the process that followed (though I tried to encourage and support her decisions).

I found out via a 3rd party and broached it with DD quite carefully, letting her know that I knew there was an issue and allowing her to talk about it. Fortunately she opened up about what had happened.

We made the decision to report it and it did end with a conviction. The court process wasn't easy but I honestly think it's been worth it.

DD has had counselling which has (mostly) been useful and she's doing really really well. We've had difficult bits, including some self-harming but have worked through it. She's 16 now, sitting her exams, confident and kind. Just yesterday she was talking about what had happened and saying to me that she wasn't a victim, she was a survivor.

It's awful, beyond awful that this has happened to your child. I can vividly recall the devastation I felt, the guilt for not somehow protecting her, the desperation to take away her pain and put things back to before, I was terrified that she would be emotionally tainted forever because no matter what support I gave her I couldn't make it be gone, make it not have happened. Those weren't stupid feelings but looking at DD now, I was an idiot. I can't undo it anymore than I can undo any time she has been hurt but I could be there for her, support her and love her.

She has come out of the other side and she is still the same person. With a shit experience, that has needed work to process but she's genuinely doing more than ok.

I know that you can get through this too.

I hope you talk to her about it so you can support her. It's not easy but I think it needs to be done, even if you just let her know you're there if she wants and she ignores the offer, at least she knows you're there. It might not go as badly as you think? But if it does result in MH crisis at least the positive to that would be it might force engagement? You could also broach it with CAMHS before you speak to her to prepare for any crisis? Trying to deal with it alone is surely going to be a huge negative impact on her MH anyway.

flowerswinechocolate for you OP.

amarmai Fri 06-May-16 18:54:22

can you inform her therapists? if she has a nightmare ,can you say she said some things that made you think she was raped? Or you saw something on her clothes. Watch and wait for an opportunity. Do you know who did it so you can safeguard her ? can you get the school to help you ? Is there a friend or family member who cd persuade her to let you help. Do you know enuf to go to the police ?

NotTodayDear Fri 06-May-16 20:24:43

So sorry to hear this. There are similarities with a situation I've been in - Saneline is great for counselling if you've got a family member with a MH issue and I'm sure they'd be able to help you this evening if you need someone to talk to.

Reetdiscreet Sat 07-May-16 00:20:52

Could you gently tell her you've been worrying ever since her plausible explanation, that you have a gut feeling there may be more than she's told you? Just to give her the opportunity to open up without revealing you know what really happened? She may not, I hid being raped from my mum at 14 and I'm not sure I would have told her even if she'd realised something was amiss but it's worth a try, it may be that she initially thought she could deal with it alone but is struggling now, a week down the line. So sorry for both of you OP flowers

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now