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New Baby and Discovered Partner on Escort Site.

(57 Posts)
ConcreteUnderpants Thu 05-May-16 16:13:05

I have a 4 week old daughter (my second, his first) and just discovered my partner has been on Adultwork and placed several reverse bookings (where you state a time, date and what you want, and the escorts contact you with offers), emailed a couple of escorts and has been looking at local sex parties.

I am utterly distraught.

The past month, he has become more obviously depressed and down, withdrawing his physical affection and not wanting sex. Throughout pregnancy, my sex drive went crazy, so it’s not like he wasn’t offered any. He said he had loved me, still found me attractive, but had no libido, which made me feel even more inadequate and worried. He has been under a huge amount of stress lately (lot of stress at work, he moved into mine unaided and his mother died 6 weeks ago), so I have tried to be as supportive as I could be and not pester him for sex or anything like that.

A couple of weeks ago (not long post birth) I found he’d been looking at loads of porn. Obviously, being at my most vulnerable and shittiest, this hurt, especially with his physical rejection of me. I could see that he was just flicking through the images, so (stupidly) was reassured by his excuses that he was just looking at all these to try and get some of his libido back, he felt like it was something else he failing me at, etc. Apparently he couldn’t even get excited enough then. Anyway, he promised not to do it again, and hasn’t. (I have had a good snoop on the computer, so know this is true.)

And then I discover this. I am repulsed at the complete cunty fuckbadger.
He was on the site, arranging a meeting a week after our first scan. And again a week before our daughter was born.

He has denied actually following through with these meetings and I believe him (not least because he couldn’t perform and there is no feedback on Adultwork or confirmation of anything), not that it matters really.

He has emailed and texted me (which I’ve not replied to), admitting he has fucked up massively, declares his love and states he would never actually cheat on me. I saw in his eyes how much he loved me, so cannot comprehend how he could hurt me so much and throw it all away for something like that.

I kicked him out as soon as I found out, and for the kids, am managing to maintain my “keeping-my-shit-together” mode, but dying inside.

I am utterly broken. Tell me I’ll be OK.

StickTheDMWhereTheSunDontShine Thu 05-May-16 16:19:51

You'll be better off out of it. Probably need to get yourself STD tested, mind.

One thing is puzzling me though - you have a 4 week old and he's the one who hasn't been up for sex in the past month. How does that work!?

Cabrinha Thu 05-May-16 16:41:41

You really believe he didn't go through with any bookings?
I suspect you're wrong.
My XH uses AW - and is blissfully unaware that I've seen his account. In 2 years he made maybe 100 approaches to prostitutes for appointments. Only a handful show a response - I think a lot of it moves to texting to confirm. Also in that time he was only reviewed twice - I don't think it's that common for the prostitutes to review. They're busy working hmm
Sorry to bear bad news but I thought it better to tell you that you're interpretation could well be wrong.

Reetdiscreet Thu 05-May-16 16:42:29

I'm sure I've read on here that Adultwork are pretty shit hot at booting people who don't follow through on appointments so I'm not sure I would believe that he never actually went ahead with any of them, sorry OP but I don't think they allow you to make further appointments if you mess them about the first time. His behaviour would be a deal breaker for me regardless I'm afraid, sorry he's done this to you and yy to getting yourself checked for STD's flowers

Cabrinha Thu 05-May-16 16:42:44

And yes, it'll be OK. Better that you know now that waste any more time on him, exposed to disease angry
Stay strong!

goddessofsmallthings Thu 05-May-16 16:44:38

Some men don't regard paying prostitutes for sex as 'cheating'.

Some men pay prostitutes because they fear their partners will be repulsed by the sex acts they find most satisfying.

Some men have madonna/whore complexes and once they've impregnated a woman she ceases to be sexually attractive to them.

You were a single parent before you met him and you'll be ok, OP, but the same can't be said for him as it could take many years of therapy to resolve his sexual issues.

ConcreteUnderpants Thu 05-May-16 21:32:10

Thanks for your messages. Yes I still naively believe he didn't actually meet up with them. I am an idiot.
Trying to think in the vein that he did it all the time, with everybody, everywhere, so that nothing more can hurt me.

AnyFucker Thu 05-May-16 21:37:43

I saw in his eyes how much he loved me

Is that when like a dollar sign comes up when someone is loaded ?

OP, he doesn't love you. Not enough to make him worth your time.

He's a punter. Or a wannabe punter which equates to the same thing. He's a loathsome piece of shit.

If you stay with him, you could never trust him. Is that what you expected for yourself ?

cozietoesie Thu 05-May-16 21:39:58

Actually, that phrase intrigued me - I have no idea what it means.

AnyFucker Thu 05-May-16 21:41:25

it's the crap you tell yourself when all other more concrete measures of how someone views your worth have been shot to shit

ConcreteUnderpants Thu 05-May-16 21:43:20

Yes, you are probably right. I guess it's just hard to take in that he didn't really love me after all.

AnyFucker Thu 05-May-16 21:47:29

of course it is hard

accepting the bloke who is supposed to love and cherish you is sniffing out OW is a fucking horrible blow

what would be worse though is to brush it under the carpet and accept your role in life to be the doormat who forgives shit like this

ConcreteUnderpants Thu 05-May-16 21:53:02

I appreciate you telling me what deep down I already know. This isn't salvageable.

I haven't registered the baby yet. We did agree that she would have his surname (not anymore!). I was intending to still have him down on the birth certificate as her father, but then I think no, he doesn't deserve that. Would that just be too spiteful and not in her best interests?

AnyFucker Thu 05-May-16 21:54:54

You do what is best for the baby. Your decision, love.

timelytess Thu 05-May-16 21:54:59

I'm sorry.
The only good thing about this is that you now know and can excise him from your life.
In case you ever wonder - its not you, its him.

ConcreteUnderpants Thu 05-May-16 21:59:56

Thanks. I just can't think straight. I'm totally broken. He disgusts me, yet I am aching to be held by him. I suffer from depression anyway and this is just the icing on the cake.
I can't wait until I hate him. It will be so much easier.

SleepingTiger Thu 05-May-16 22:27:17

Before and after your daughter was born he was spending money on fucking prostitutes. And in 20 years time he will probably still be fucking prostitutes, who may be then be 20 years old.

I don't like him.

Iflyaway Thu 05-May-16 22:50:25

You don't need him to give you the best life for you and your child....!

It is hard being a LP but always preferable to the shit lies they tell you.

We women are stronger than that and you'd better believe it, and in yourself.

Your depression will lift as soon as you get rid of this weight, mentally, emotionally etc.

Take it from me. LP for 25 years. (kids are amazing, cos no fuck-ups from the other parent, put a stop to all that bullshit).

Lillygolightly Thu 05-May-16 23:13:42

Adult work works the same as eBay it takes a fee/percentage profit of the sale. This fee is not advertised to the customer but is charged to the AW worker. Just as in the same way many items are advertised on eBay especially those that a more expensive like cars/watches etc the sale goes through outside of eBay and the original listing is cancelled therefore all monies go direct to the seller thus swerving any percentage fee due to the host. This is why you won't find confirmed bookings and why you won't find reviews. AW workers cannot leave reviews for transactions that didn't take place within the conforms of the host site. If you take a look at AW you will see most of the workers have a majority of reviews for other services like phone/webcam/erotic etc and whilst an amount of the reviews will be for escorting (the site will only let you advertise it if you actually make and go through with bookings within the conforms of the site, if you don't they otherwise remove it as an offered service) so most AW workers let a small percentage of booking go through the site in order to be able to offer the service and gain reviews. Just because there is no confirmed booking and just because there is no reviews does not mean a booking didn't take place.

There...hopefully my past life detective work can be useful in you getting some truth OP flowers

goddessofsmallthings Thu 05-May-16 23:44:06

As you're not married, he can't be named on your dd's birth certificate as the father unless he's present at the Registry Office when you register her birth.

You're best advised to attend the RO on your own and give your dd your surname as this won't give rise to any questions at airports/borders should you travel with her at some future date. There's also the possibility that he'll disappear and dd will be stuck with his surname should you wish to marry and change her name to that of a future spouse.

Leaving the father's name blank on a birth cert won't preclude you making a claim for child maintenance, but it will mean that if he wishes to be acknowledged as dd's father and share parental responsibility for her, he can only do so via an application to the family courts.

There's also the possibility that he'll disappear and your dd will be stuck with his surname which could cause complications should you wish to marry and change her surname to that of a future spouse.

Delusion gives rise to illusion and what you saw in his eyes was a reflection of how much you loved him.

While I would not bear him any malice, if I were in your shoes I wouldn't want this scuzzy sleazebag anywhere near me,, let alone near a pure and innocent newborn who, to my mind, he's come as near as dammit to defiling by exposing her dm to stds and other nasties while she was in utero and your longing to be "held by him" may dissipate if you take time to think of who else he's been holding - and how many dicks what they may have been holding before they got their mitts on him.

Make sure you get out and about with dd during this current spell of sunny weather and during the coming summer months as we need sunshine to manufacture vitamin d which alleviates depression.

All things must pass - and the sooner he becomes history for you the better.

ConcreteUnderpants Fri 06-May-16 00:22:56

Thank you ladies. Wise words.
I'm trying to stay angry as it's easier to cope that way, but so very tiring. I suppose I am fortunate to have my daughters to keep me occupied day and night.

The baby will definitely have my surname, and I am swaying towards leaving him off the birth certificate. There is a 6 week wait for an appointment at the Registry Office, so that gives me time to see how he behaves commitment-wise and think it over.
And yes, you are right. I am strong when I need to be and can cope on my own. The thought of him touching my child repulses me. As much as I might like to though, I won't keep him from seeing her.

Am uber impressed with your sleuthing Lilly. As said by all PP's I shall now assume he fucked them.

Fuckbadger arsehole.

Lillygolightly Fri 06-May-16 00:41:46

Thank you concreteunderpants (love that mn name) grin

Yes assume he fucked them all! Yes he IS a fuckbadger arsehole!! You are strong, you deserve better!!!

Stay angry!!

Wish you all the best OP flowers

homeiswheretheginis Fri 06-May-16 01:17:01

Just wanted to tell you I think you're doing marvellously. You've kicked him out where he can't influence your children. It's horrible and I'm so sorry for you but you deserve better. Stay strong OP, you've done the right thing.

ConcreteUnderpants Sat 07-May-16 22:15:20

Not had a good day today.
Feel I can't even tell my family why we have split. Humiliating and plain gross.
He's sent me more messages (loves me more than anything, never actually physically cheated etc), but still I don't feel he's being totally honest. How can I stop torturing myself with wanting to know the full extent of it all? I have gone through his pc and logged onto various dodgy sites he is a member of searching for more info. Everything I discover hurts, but I can't seem to stop trying to find out all the gruesome sordid details.

homeiswheretheginis Sun 08-May-16 00:03:51

Of course he's not being honest. And even if (hard to believe) he didn't actually cheat, he's spent a serious amount of time chasing other women. I know it's hard, I've been there. But I promise you this initial phase is mainly fear and it will pass and you will be happy without him. Don't compromise your own happiness. Nobody ever said on their deathbed that they were glad they stayed with someone that....stayed. Find someone that genuinely loves you.

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