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50/50 custody split -- how do you divide the time?

(21 Posts)
All0vertheplace Thu 05-May-16 14:59:03

I'm just wondering, for those who have equal shared custody with their ExP, how do you split the time? Is one week on/one week off a good system, or does that not give the kids enough time to settle in each place?

Also, any other advice on shared custody and making it work would be most welcome. (We're taking the divorce plunge, and our kids are 9 and 12)

winchester1 Thu 05-May-16 15:00:49

Most people we know do one week on one week off but the kids stay in the family home and the parents move in and out.

All0vertheplace Thu 05-May-16 15:25:37

That's an interesting arrangement. Somehow doesn't seem workable in the long term, but makes more economic sense...

Herald Thu 05-May-16 15:28:53

We arrange it more complicated but it works ...lets start with a Monday I collect her from school and have her until I drop her at school Wednesday morning....her mum collects her Wednesday after school and keeps her until Friday morning, I then collect her from school again on Friday and keep her all weekend taking her to school on Monday morning ...her mum then pics her up Monday after school and the cycle starts again with me having a free weekend ....blimey that sounds complicated and I do need to keep my eye on my work calendar but it does work for us .

PatMullins Thu 05-May-16 15:31:06

We have a similar set up to Herald

Kracken Thu 05-May-16 16:10:05

We have the same as herald. Our children are 4 and 8. I think when they are a bit older we will move to 'week on, week off' but we decided on shorter periods with each parent to start with as we felt the youngest one especially would struggle with being away from either of us for a week.

winchester1 Thu 05-May-16 17:06:31

I'm in Sweden and at least in my area 50\50 splits are really common so wandering parents are also.quite common. They either get one beds or shared places for their time without the kids. I know one split couple who share the flat as well. I think its great for the kids to be settled.

Placeinthesun Thu 05-May-16 17:21:44

We have a not quite fifty/fifty split. Dc are with me eow and weds, thurs and Sun nights. I do all school drop off in the morning so they are dropped at mine on exh's way to work even when they've been at his overnight, they always come back to me Sunday as it works with swimming club and meaning I can ensure they have all their school kit for Monday. Ex H assists with late swimming and scouts pick ups on a couple of my evenings too. He does pick up from school every Friday irrespective of who has them for weekend as it's the only one he can do.

It sounds a bit hassley but Dc know wick nights they where, neither of us end up with many days where we don't see them and we are flexible in the school hols as he's a teacher but I have an office job with less generous holidays.

Good luck. Put kids needs first.

cooliebrown Thu 05-May-16 18:44:41

4 nights on 4 nights off houses 2 miles apart cycles round nicely fair share of weekends etc

sunnydayinmay Thu 05-May-16 18:50:07

My relatives do two nights with Mum, two nights with Dad on a rolling basis. This was because the children could not cope with more than two nights away from each parent.

The main house is their dad's, and they keep most of their stuff there, but have a room at their mum's.

Now they are at secondary, they sometimes walk between the two if they have forgotten something.

deVelvet Thu 05-May-16 19:11:57

Hi OP, firstly I just want to say that it's not as complicated as some people may suggest - and done in the right way a 50/50 split can have very little impact on the child's lives.

I have 3 dsc (4, 5 and 8) and the set up is as follows:

Sunday 1pm - Sunday 1pm. One week at mums and one week at dads.

The dsc have everything they need at each home - school clothes, shoes, bags, normal clothes, jackets, pj's, everything. This ensures that there is no 'packing to leave' at the end of the week. Kids just go back wearing what they arrived in.

I would suggest, when the person moving out has sorted a new house etc that the main house divides up the kids things so that there is a 'float' so to speak which can be added to by the other parent.

My dp was the one who left with the 'float' so has added to it over the years and things just become part of the kids lives at dad's. Obviously if money is tight and it was for dp then things like ipads, computers, books etc went between each home until birthdays, Christmas etc when dp would get the kids things to keep at dad's.

Regarding money (in our situation) no money changes hands. We simply pay all fees etc for the weeks we have the kids and mum pays for her weeks - same with clubs and other expenses.
School trips are divided and each parent pays half.

In our situation, mum gets all tax credits and cb and that is fine. (That was part of the 50/50 agreement) but you would need to think about how you wish to work that.

School runs are done by whoever has the kids on that week. And the parent for that week takes them to all clubs etc.

On our weeks mum doesn't see the boys at all but on mums week DP arranges to see them midweek as he doesn't like to go a full week without contact.

Communication is key though, because sometimes things change and it's good to be flexible - managed correctly then the dc will not see any animosity between parents and in our case, boys mum and I have struck up a nice relationship, but I imagine that's a long way down the line for you.

Both parents attend all parents evening, school letters that come home are photographed and shared with the other parent on receipt.

DP ensures boys visit his family and mum ensures same for her family.

This situation really works for us. Best of both worlds really. Means you have every other weekend to socialise and do your own thing knowing that dc are happy with the other parent. On your weeks you get to do all the parent stuff - kids don't miss out on equal time with each parent and the other parent doesn't miss out on being a parent and all it entails.

Sorry about the massive post, but I am a real advocate of this scenario because for us, it works.

You are welcome to ask anything at all.

Finsbury Thu 05-May-16 21:50:41

DS now 10 spends 5 nights with me - Tues to Sat - then 3 nights with Dad, then 2 nights with me, then 4 nights with Dad. Repeat. Quite complicated but dictated by court so no choice in the matter. It does ensure we each spend alternate weekends with him.

deVelvet Thu 05-May-16 21:57:53

Finsbury, if you don't mind me asking, what were the factors in the court order? Was it to do with work commitments?
How is ds with that arrangement? I assume he is used to it by now?

All0vertheplace Fri 06-May-16 10:10:13

Thanks deVelvet -- really interesting post

FuckThisandThat Fri 06-May-16 10:24:51

We're just about to go from (mostly) every weekend and main school holidays with dad to 50/50. The same set up as deVelvet, Sunday 3pm - Sunday 3pm on a weekly rotation and 3 weeks of the summer hols each so we can spend an extended block of time together.

4 DC from 3-10, they seem much happier with this plan than the current one and whilst I'm dreading it for purely emotional reasons it's definitely going to provide them with more stability.

All0vertheplace Fri 06-May-16 10:27:59

Dreading it for emotional reasons? Why?

FuckThisandThat Fri 06-May-16 13:34:13

Mine! I'm going to miss them on my week 'off'

Wineoclocksomewhere Fri 06-May-16 16:41:47

I have a 7 year old, recent split has led to Mon and Tues night each week with dad; weds and thu night with me, then alternate weekend which are fri to sun (all of these being where she sleeps. We live quite close together so it's okay if something gets left behind. It's a totally 50/50 split, we have 7 nights out if every 14. It's irritating when things do have to to and fro from house to house but largely we split everything - apart from schoolbag! It's going ok - downside is I do miss her when it's fri morning until weds after school like this weekend!

Terrifiedandregretful Sat 07-May-16 08:45:28

This is really interesting. I'd love to do something like this but we're not able to live close enough to each other for it work at the moment (he can't do cm pick ups and drop offs). So I'm doing weeks and X doing weekends and he hates not being around for the day to day stuff and I hate not being around for the fun stuff. This thread has inspired me to try to work out something better.

ncsmummy Sat 07-May-16 09:05:32

We have a 50/50 custody arrangement but it is possibly a bit different from the norm but to ExH previous job which required him to be on call. DC are now 12 & 14 and it has been in place for almost 4 years now. We both attend all parents evenings together etc. I have them from a Monday through to the Thursday of the Following week (10 nights) and then he has them for 11 nights (although I often have them until the Friday instead) It is flexible and if one of us or the DC need or want to be in the other home it is fine.
It works well for us as the children have time to settle each time and feel at home. Also DD used to get really upset when they only saw their Dad for 2 weekends out of 3 instead as she really missed him. This way they get equal time with us both and they are happy. We did however get it written into the agreement that if the DS wanted to change it then we would work with them to give THEM what they wanted. So far, so good!

Derbyday Sat 07-May-16 09:37:13

We do week on/week off, Friday to Friday. I have say, I love having time to myself after years of being the main carer. My ex-H was driven to ask for 50/50 because he didn't want to pay me any £ but it's worked out marvellously for me whilst also ensuring the DC have a relationship with both parents. The only things we ferry from house to house are school uniform and iPads. Everything else is duplicated or kept at one house only.

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