Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Have i done the right thing??(7 Posts)
Without giving you the long version basically my partner of 14 years has a drink problem, not in a way where he drinks everyday but in a way where his drinking has affected our lives. We have 4 children 12, 11, 3 and 11 months. He likes a drink, he will do things like go drinking straight from work (hes self empyed) knowing that i have plans etc tells me he will be back at say 6 then turns up at 12 or in some cases the next day. If i am awake when he comes in he starts being verbally abusive so i have taken to avoiding him when hes drinking. Not nice. This happens roughly 2 - 3 x per month, sometimes more sometimes less. So the other day on a wednesday he goes off drinking again with his friend (hes known for about 1 year) goes off to town, whatts apped him how long you gonna be etc as i wanted to go feed horses at 6. Anyway never get a reply, so i get mad. He gets mad then starts ranting calling me a slut etc for no reason then brings up some random friend he used to have over 7 years ago (4 house moves and 2 kids later!) who he thinks i kissed (not true for the record) next day hes sheepish, never really apologises - just carried on as TBH am used to it. However what he did on Tuesday was the cherry on top. Again i wanted to go riding after he came in ( by the way i only get to go riding 1 x per week if am lucky as he moans!!) which he agreed too (yeah asking permission) rang him at 530 no answer, alarm bells ring by this point am dreading it as i see he is not answering his phone and the work phone is also ringing out this usually means hes with others drinking. So trying not to get wound up, by this point i am really angry, i discover a whole 1 lire bottle of smirnoff vodka empty tell him not to bother coming home as hes drunk (drunk it with his work employee) next he starts calling me a slag, slut and basically saying am nothing without him, how shit i am, how shit my business is, how shit of a mum i am etc......meanwhile after finishing work (self employed set up my own business 2 years ago, okay it doesnt make a fortune but enough to cover bills and more than minimum wage!) then making tea and breastfeeding our 11 month baby , i mean FGS, its him who is necking vodka on a tuesday afternoon! so he comes in arund 7pm gets right behind my ear and shouts SLUT really loud as am feeding the baby luckly the kids where in the rooms oblivious playing etc.
Went to bed, left him too it, could hear him trying to be dad of the year playing on xbox with our eldest son.
He didnt say anything yesterday, i didnt speak to him. No sign of an apology or anything. Around 11am am in the garage wrking away and he comes back from work, tells me his dad is having the kids as he wants to take me somewhere, told him nt interested (actually shouted) he went off and then sent me a screen shot of a booking for table at the indian that night, i mean is he for real?!!! He took the kids out last night for their tea, i stayed home with the baby. He slept on the sofa, he came into bed around 11 told him to get out which he did. This morning we had a small row about something, told him to just go. He came back earlier and packed his clothes. He went back to work. I sent him a message (perhaps i shouldnt have?) told him how upset i was and how his drinking had caused everything. He then had the cheek to say he drinks because f me, and that well, everyone knows he is a dick when hes had a drink - BUT THATS JUST ME! really fecked me off and snapped me out of the tears i was (stupidly) crying
Thing is , despite the above when hes not drinking he is a fab dad, always does loads with the kids, pays the bills, goes to work and we are currently in the process of building our house on some land he has - something i will not have if he leaves me. Plus i have my 2 horses and have had them years there is no way i will be able to afford them if i am a single parent, i am going to struggle financially, we are currently renting and with CT pay £900 a month, am not going to be able to afford that even with tax credits etc i wont be able to afford to live here, will have to move out, sell my horses and basically cut back on everything and probably struggle. Whilst he gets to live in the new house. It sounds bad but why should i have to give up everything we have because of his drinking??
I really need some clarity. I feel like i have been kicked in the guts after those messages he sent me, i keep re reading when i feel weak. I need to stick this out but its really hard!! Advice?
I'd stop thinking about what you are going to lose materialistically for starters, who cares if you have to cut back, surely better than being abused because he is abusive towards you and that's not right, you do know that yeah?
Sorry OP, but I don't care if he's a great dead when sober, he's a drunk and a bad one at that, that won't change, he will not give up his cushy life, it will be up to you to decide if you want to suffer more of his crap or actually stand on your own two feet, you will be entitled to a lot of benefits including council tax and rent.
You just sound totally opposed to giving up your life with him I don't see what is so great about your life, it sounds bloody awful.
With or without four kids, who has time for this childish game playing idiot, I wouldn't.
I stopped reading at the calling you a slut, on top of the alcoholism, controlling behaviour, sense of entitlement and lack of respect.
Why should you give up this lifestyle?
To hold on to your self esteem and mental health, to teach your 4 dc that abusive relationships are not the norm. And to give yourself the chance to share your life with someone who isn't an abuser.
You poor thing. Horrendous behaviour. How immature, horrible & antagonistic of him to come up & roar obscenities in your ear while you were feeding your baby!
I'm so sorry but it sounds like this man doesn't have one iota of respect for you & doesn't deserve you. I would ask him to leave if I were you. You will be entitled to support from him so don't worry that you'll be left unable to support yourself & your children. This is not a healthy environment for them. You need to put a stop to it. My heart goes out to your poor little baby being frightened like that while being fed. What a fucking drunken man child he is.
If you have to leave can you put your horses on loan? I think he is an awful abusive prick and you should make plans to leave.
Awful awful behaviour and a terrible environment for your children. Single parenthood far preferable iny birw
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.