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Issue with new colleague, what do I do?

(24 Posts)
cjt88lulu Thu 05-May-16 13:51:43

I started a new job at the start of last week. I am working closely with a team of 4 other girls (admin team, open plan office so have to talk regularly). For the first week all was fine, and at the end of the week there was some chatting amongst them about the men who work in the office.

I said John* is cute (not that I fancy the man, far from it, just a sweet and helpful guy who has made me feel welcome). One girl in my team, Amy*, said laughing "Yeah dont even go there, he is my really good friend and i would hate that!" The rest of the girls laughed, I thought it was a bit strange to be honest but didn't say anything. And I have a boyfriend which she knows so it shouldn't have even been an issue.

Amy went on holiday at the start of this week, and yesterday John asked me to go for a coffee at lunch which I agreed to. This information has somehow made its way to her on holiday and she is FUMING, has been Whatsapping the rest of the team saying I am a bitch and spiteful etc.

She is back tomorrow and I really do not know how to deal with this. Shall I say nothing? Apologise? I really do not think I have DONE anything wrong, this is like playground style drama and it's pathetic. She doesn't own this man, has never dated him or anything even so this possessiveness is quite strange. Or should I have just stayed away from him because she said so?

To be honest, I have known her a week so even if they HAD dated and I was single, it is MY choice to date/go for a drink/lunch/coffee with whoever I choose, I have no loyalties to this woman.

It all seems so immature and ridiculous, I refuse to engage in any silly arguments but I don't the fact she is bitching about me now to the rest of the team..

Please tell me what I should do, really worried about seeing her tomorrow.

cjt88lulu Thu 05-May-16 13:57:02

John was a fake name by the way, not sure why it went bold.

CheersMedea Thu 05-May-16 14:19:00

she is FUMING, has been Whatsapping the rest of the team saying I am a bitch and spiteful etc

How do you know this?

Who told you? And have you seen the messages with your own eyes?

CheersMedea Thu 05-May-16 14:20:54

You haven't done anything wrong at all.
I would say nothing to her about it and certainly don't apologise.

You may want to make a complaint to HR though at some point in future- subject to what you know/saw - so I'd keep a note of this incident and copies of any messages etc you have. Log it and if there is any other trouble add it to your log.

Startingover2016 Thu 05-May-16 14:27:29

I think you all sound childish. You saying he is 'cute' and her warning you off and the messages since. I don't know what job you do but in my workplace it would not be appropriate to be talking about male colleagues like that after a week or at work at all tbh.

Not sure about him asking you for coffee too? That would not happen in my job either. What are his intentions?

Startingover2016 Thu 05-May-16 14:28:56

Of course her behaviour is still well over the top. She is obviously threatened by you. I would see if it blows over and ignore at this stage.

cjt88lulu Thu 05-May-16 14:49:20

It's a very relaxed office environment so going for drinks and coffees with others is normal. They do it a lot, it's just me she doesn't want going with him - he is 'allowed' to go with other women.

I will just say nothing and if she says something then deal with it. I feel comforted to know that I'm not in the wrong and she is overreacting

CheersMedea Thu 05-May-16 15:06:44

You didn't answer the questions:

How do you know this?

Who told you? And have you seen the messages with your own eyes?

This is important because it could be just someone else sh*t stirring and winding you up for their own benefit.

cjt88lulu Thu 05-May-16 15:26:36

I know because she messaged the man and told him she was angry, he showed me. There was no name calling in the messages to him but one of the girls in the team told me what she said - I haven't seen proof but I can't imagine she would make it up.

pocketsaviour Thu 05-May-16 15:33:58

What was his take on it?

Do you get any sense he's deliberately stirring the pot? I mean it sounds like she fancies him. There's no other reasonable explanation. Texting him about it is frankly BONKERS.

twocultures Thu 05-May-16 15:37:50

This sounds really childish ....
I remember when I was at SCHOOL (age 15) my friend "banned" me from going out with her brothers friend because she said it would be "weird" for her.
Translation in my case: he was older, attractive, popular and really into me, I was the quiet 'geeky' girl in our group. I ended up going out with him for a few months and he was a lovely guy.

She ended up kicking off when she found out he found my phone number and asked me out and called me a two faced bitch...I don't miss her.

twocultures Thu 05-May-16 15:39:08

So to get this in perspective I was 15 at the time and your colleague is how old?...

Aprille Thu 05-May-16 15:50:37

This happened to me in a work setting. My "friend" blanked me when I started dating a former colleague who she deemed herself to be good friends with. She was in a long term relationship and planning her wedding, plus they had zero history so I was utterly baffled. He was too because they weren't particularly great friends or anything. I think her sister might have had a massive crush on him but I only pieced that together some years afterwards.

Our friendship never survived it, but my relationship did and is still going strong 12 years on. smile

cjt88lulu Thu 05-May-16 15:57:19

She is 25/26. I honestly don't think she fancies him but she likes that he is kind and gives her attention, it is probably a confidence boost to her so now he has someone else to show this 'attention' too she isn't happy. Pathetic and not very nice.

He finds it stupid but doesn't seem to understand why I'm worried. Anyway not going to worry about it for another whole evening, will just deal with whatever happens when it happens.

QuiteLikely5 Thu 05-May-16 16:04:01

If she says anything to you about it, stare blankly at her and do not say anything or say 'hang in a mo' and get John over so he can hear her rant!

I don't know why others are giving you a hard time

twocultures Thu 05-May-16 16:18:36

Lol OP the attention thing is exactly what I would describe my situation being about grin
That's just really childish and immature, if she asks why you went for a coffee with him just ask her why, were you not allowed?
Does she have exclusive ownership rights to said colleague? In that case you are so sorry and will not infringe upon them again in fear of legal persecution! halo
But seriously does she crush on him or something?

It's quite entertaining hearing about a grown woman acting like a bitchy teenager.

SnoozeButtonAbuser Thu 05-May-16 16:25:32

Sounds like she fancies him, and you and him fancy each other. WHy a lunch date alone, why not see if any colleagues fancied coming along? Why's he showing you personal texts from a good friend of his? If I was your dp I wouldn't be happy with your budding relationship. This woman is a bit odd, but she's the least of your worries.

RaptorInaPorkPieHat Thu 05-May-16 16:28:37

She's marking her territory by pissing all over him whether she fancies him or not she does he's her property and you're NOT ALLOWED to touch her stuff wink

I would ignore it, as you're not supposed to know anyway (maybe he's getting a kick out off two women 'fighting' over him - why else would he show you?). If she mentions it, tell her to grow the fuck up and that you have no interest in him other than as a work colleague.

cjt88lulu Thu 05-May-16 16:38:26

Thank you all I feel so much better, I was in tears earlier about this and now I see it as laughable grin

Hissy Thu 05-May-16 16:41:56

John needs to tell her to "back off mum" he can have coffee with whoever he likes

As can you.

Next week should be interesting.

Don't put up with a second of it. Shit her down right there and then.

Hissy Thu 05-May-16 16:42:33

Shut. 😊

CheersMedea Thu 05-May-16 17:19:29

I know because she messaged the man and told him she was angry, he showed me.

Well it's very weird she messaged him. And also pretty weird that he showed you!!

Is it too late to find a new job?!??! grin They all sound like nutters.

HotNatured Thu 05-May-16 17:45:24

What utterly bizarre and frankly embarrassing behaviour your new colleague is demonstrating. I'm cringing for her and don't even know her, nor would I want to. Just carry on as you are and don't get involved. Rise above it.

LosingTheWillToSkate Thu 05-May-16 19:11:30

Dunno where you lot work but in my place it's very much the norm to have lunch with someone without extending the invite to all and sundry.

Asking someine if they fancy a brew is just that. Not a date, nor implying any intentions beyond getting a brew.

It definitely is the norm to speak about how attractive the opposite sex may be.

And we can be friends with either men or women without anything more being implied.

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