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Advice needed about parents interference

(13 Posts)
ChangeyNameyPosty Thu 05-May-16 13:09:29

I have name changed because I can easily be identified from previous posts and a family member is on MN.

Long story short, my parents and grandparents hate my (now ex) DP. He was a prick, he was selfish and we argued a lot, finally ending things for good a few months ago after an ultimatum from my family - him or us. My family were really happy that I finished with him, i had to because i relied on their support financially and they have a fantastic relationship with my 2 children. ExDP wasn't happy at being asked to move out but he did, we keep in light contact and he sees the kids regularly. He lives in the next town so he travels here to see them, takes them swimming, Park etc and one evening a week at my house to have dinner and put them to bed so i can go see friends etc. To be honest im happy just now, we are not arguing because we are not living together, we have kept things as civil and friendly as possible for the kids sake and this is working for us.

My family (my grandmother mainly) are absolutely furious that he is visiting us and i had a nasty phone call last night telling me how much of a disappointment i am and that I've hurt the family loads by allowing him access to his own kids and allowing him to be friends with me.

I was and still am quite upset, I've been told to cut him off completely or never speak to my family again. Yes he was an arse most of the relationship but to be honest im no angel and started a lot of arguments that could have been let go. They know this.

The final straw has been that I've found out my gran has had people following me, spying on me to see when im with him ane where we go to and she's kept a notebook of days and times he has been at the house. Im absolutely fucking fuming with this, i feel like i have no privacy whatsoever and can't live a life. I need to make it clear that we are not abd won't be getting back together, it's a civil adult friendship only, he does not stay over.

What do I do?

My family were amazing the past few months, helping me to move house, redecorated for me, helping with the kids etc and im beyond grateful but they are using it to control me. Im nearly 30 and have never had a choice, everything has to be run past them and they have never liked any of my boyfriends, nobody is ever good enough it's ridiculous now. My mum goes through my Facebook asking who each and every person is and how i know them. It's so frustrating.

They have been really nipping at me to get maintenance sorted but get angry when he sees the kids...we have a private arrangement cash wise which again is working great.

Sorry if this is written badly im a bit upset and trying to word it best i can.

MiddleClassProblem Thu 05-May-16 13:16:05

I have no idea what advice to you but your family sound like they are really hurting you and being aggressively over protective.

Is there anyway you could hold some kind of family meeting and lay it out for them? Or worst case a set mediation/counselling session?

You're doing the right thing with access and sounds like you gave a great relationship. They might be worried that now things are good, you might fall for him again but that's no justification for their demands.

NannawifeofBaldr Thu 05-May-16 13:24:36

Ok. You are an adult.

Your family, however much they love you and you love them are not entitled to:

Tell you who to see
Tell you how to deal with your children's father.
Tell you how to operate your finances.

None of their previous help or kindness entitles them to abuse you now.

Be an adult. Stand up to them, be polite but just stop allowing this.

Take you mother off Facebook if she can't behave appropriately.
Tell your Grandmother that her behaviour is highly inappropriate and if she can't speak to you nicely, politely say that you will not continue the conversation and hang up.

Stop telling them about your finances.
Stop telling them about your life.
If you owe them money put a plan in place to pay it back.

You are an adult - take some control back.

CocktailQueen Thu 05-May-16 13:25:37

Great post, Nanna! I agree.

AttilaTheMeerkat Thu 05-May-16 13:30:21

Unfortunately your parents "helping you" was anything but because this has come with a whole heap of unspoken obligation attached. Their "help" towards you has also come with a huge emotional cost. They probably have meddled as well because they also do not think you are at all capable even though you are now an adult and have children of your own.

re your comment:-
"The final straw has been that I've found out my gran has had people following me, spying on me to see when im with him ane where we go to and she's kept a notebook of days and times he has been at the house"

I would have a word with the police about this; such harassment should not be at all tolerated. Nasty phone calls should always be reported as well to your phone provider and or the police also; action can be taken and they do take this sort of thing seriously.

Your parents are not thinking of their grandchildren here at all but purely their own self interest in making their family of origin look good.

I would remove yourself from all social media as of now but if you really cannot bring yourself to do that you need to further raise your own FB privacy settings. You certainly need to prevent your mother from accessing your FB account now, that is a boundary you can do for your own self. You also need to raise your boundaries with them a lot higher than they have been to date and you need to further lower all contact.

Do not reward bad behaviour by contacting them in any form. No family meetings or family counselling sessions should ever take place either because none of that will go at all well for you. These will be used simply by your parents to further put the boot into you regarding your ex, the only opinion they are interested in after all is their own.

Duckdeamon Thu 05-May-16 13:33:00

Agree with nanna!

Just don't countenance their interference. Don't tell them stuff or answer Qs.

You might also need to accept less help.

Marryoneorbecomeone Thu 05-May-16 14:01:11

Why are your family so against your ex P? If they posted here, what would they say he has done? It seems like an extreme reaction in their part, and a concerted one at that. Was he violent/using etc? I notice you appear to minimise his behaviour in your post.

Footle Thu 05-May-16 14:25:55

Your family needs reminding that your ex is the children's father and has a legal right to spend time with them. Your family on the other hand has no such right..

PhoenixReisling Thu 05-May-16 15:10:06

Ermmm that is in no way normal. Not so ever.

Spying on you, interrogating you in regards to who someone is one FB, using guilt and emotional blackmail to keep you in line hmm.

You are doing what is right for your children, by having an amicable relationship with your exDP and they have no Buisness dictating that he shouldn't see them.

You need to stand up for yourself and are probably in the FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) in your dealings with them and the fact that you claim that they are supportive.

Firstly, stop telling your mother who is who on your FB. Either delete it, allow her only limited access (you can do that in the settings on FB), ignore her requests/change the subject when she asks or just block her completely.

Secondly, only tell your family (and their spies) what they need to very limited and vague (this will set boundaries.

Thirdly, have a few coin phrases...^that doesn't work for me^, im not sure, i hear what you are saying etc.

Fourthly, if you ever have a telephone conversation where your grandmother/mother tries to bully you, be aggressive etc just end it. Tell them i need to go as DC are >insert whatever pressing thing here<.

PhoenixReisling Thu 05-May-16 15:32:25

I wanted to add that you may find it beneficial to try CBT/counselling to help you to understand your/their behaviour and give you the tools/confidence to take control.

Porpoises Thu 05-May-16 18:43:24

Looking after your kids, redecorating and helping you move is not a kindness if it comes wuth hidden unreasonable strings attached. It is a tool of control and manipulation, either intentionally or subconsciously.

"Changey, would you like me to help you move and redecorate?"

"Ooh, thanks, yes please."

"Changey, would you like me to help you move and redecorate as long as i then have the right to control who you see and whether your children ever spend time with their dad again?"


pocketsaviour Thu 05-May-16 19:03:42

This book may help

I've been told to cut him off completely or never speak to my family again.

Sounds like a win-win. Allow your kids contact with their dad and get these controlling fucks out of your life. Result.

AnneElliott Thu 05-May-16 19:18:04

Your family sound bonkers! Who has the time to get people to follow you and keep a notebook on your comings and goings? They need to get their own life.

Stop taking money from them and impose some boundaries. My own mother controlled me with money. The day I got my first part time job and could buy my own clothes was s really good feeling.

They are not being helpful, it is all about control. You need to take that control back.

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