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A year on..back to crying over ended marriage, no idea why now

(16 Posts)
sparklyDMs Thu 05-May-16 12:22:50

I think I need to offload more than anything, but wondering if this is normal and will pass or if I need to be asking GP for ad's.
My stbxh moved out nearly a year ago and lives with ow. We've now established a routine of contact, ow is nice to the kids and they feel safe/happy when they're with him. I did think I was getting myself back together, but The last couple of times they've stayed with him, I've started getting, almost panic attacks and I've had to stop myself driving round to get them back. It's like I've lost all my purpose when they're gone - I've no idea what I should do with myself. My concentration level has gone completely since he left, I end up distracting myself flitting around on social apps. Maybe I need to find some sort of hobby. I have had a go at online dating, but finally admitted to myself that it's just for the distraction and probably not helping me sort myself out.
I can't seem to get past the horrors that I'm either single parenting or completely on my own.
If anyone's further on in this journey I'd be grateful for some advice on how to get through this bit?

Rarity75 Thu 05-May-16 17:55:48

Hi sparkly, it sounds familiar to me. I was the same after my relationship ended with DD's dad and I would say it took a good 18mth-2 years to find my feet again (with AD's).
I'd lost my identity, I was a mum and didn't know how to be a single person (10years with ex). I was aimless and lost.
I bought a bike and started a new hobby. I accepted every invite from friends and I made myself engage with life again.
You will get there, be kind to yourself and try new things!

HappyJanuary Thu 05-May-16 18:04:39

Me too, similar timeframe. I don't want him back but every time I hear about something lovely he's doing with ow I feel such a sense of injustice and sadness.

I can't imagine ever wanting to date again, not because I'm hung up on him but because I will just be waiting for this to happen again.

I don't have to endure the kids going to his house because they're old enough to refuse, and they have, so my heart goes out to you op.

I sometimes wonder if I need ads but haven't so far. If you haven't been through it you can't comprehend, I don't even try to explain to anyone. I feel like a crime has been committed against me but nobody cares, just drifting along, no choice really.

ravenmum Thu 05-May-16 19:20:02

Maybe it is just starting to sink in that this is your new life? confused Not that it has to stay that way, in the same form it is now.

I did use ADs as I was ready to throw myself in front of a bus (ex shredded my self esteem and spread nasty lies; family and friends clueless). I think the ADs and counselling have also helped me rebuild my social life, though, as I was struggling with that at first. (Tried to start a new hobby, for instance, but felt so useless and weepy I couldn't keep it up.)

The shock of being dropped head-first into a new life did actually wake me up a bit too, though, and I've gradually regained an interest in going out and doing things which I had lost over the years of being a mum. I feel like an independent person again and it's nice. I've joined some social groups and made some new friends and also started going out and doing stuff on my own more, like going to the cinema. Talk to the neighbours more. I realised I'd really retreated into my shell during my marriage, and feel like the split has made me come back out.

Also started dating, not to get a partner but just to find someone to have fun and sex with, go out for meals etc. Had no expectations at all, but have come across someone really interesting. My experience with my ex has left me ready to drop him at the first sign of any crap, and wanting to say exactly what I think - and this relationship feels a lot healthier as a result.

AriNi31 Thu 05-May-16 20:50:17

Hi sparkly. I totally get where you are coming from. It is a similar time frame to me also. I know I don't want my ExH back - he is now with someone else and he cheated many times during our marriage. I have good days and bad days. I find the bad days exhausting and the tears close to the surface. I also messed around with online dating - and got chatting to a lovely man who invited me for a drink - and then the night we were due to meet I bottled it and couldn't go. It is definitely a self esteem thing.
I think a lot of it is time. My friend said to me that we are grieving - not only for what we've lost - the family aspect, the years we spent together - but also grief for what would have been - plans you made and things.
I also know exactly what you mean happy - its the sense of injustice and 'why me?' And as you said, it kind of ruins you for anyone else because you expect it to happen over again.
I guess we have to 'find ourselves' again. I have also thought about ADs (was on them briefly after my daughter was born) and have seriously considered them again but also wondering about some form of therapy to help with self confidence and things, it has totally totally gone.
Hope I haven't gatecrashed the thread - its just interesting to read that there are people feeling the same way I do.
I guess one day at a time.

ravenmum Thu 05-May-16 20:57:23

I feel like I can't even grieve for what I lost, as he went over every aspect of our past together and said how rubbish it was - rewrote the whole 22 years.

The therapy was really helpful, if you find the right thing for you it is more important than the ADs, as they just help clear your mind, while the therapy helps you build new ways of thinking. I feel more self-confident now than I did in my marriage. Still feel like any man might cheat on me at any time, but feel more prepared to deal with it, and the fears are getting better over time - two years on.

whatyouseeiswhatyouget Thu 05-May-16 21:25:54

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sparklyDMs Thu 05-May-16 22:49:41

Thanks everyone, Happy you're right you can't really talk to people and it's been so long now that I should probably be over it so you don't really. Rarity, it's exactly like that - lost my identity.
Raven - your ex sounds so horrible, mine's just selfish and thoughtless, the new relationship sounds promising - maybe it's better if you don't give your whole self over to it.
I came out of mine a bit like you too AriNi - self esteem is on the floor - to be honest ex makes me feel like I'm nothing.
Whatyousee - your story resonates - ex and ow are throwing a lot of money at taking the DC's out and being proactive Dad, but he did none of that when he lived with us either.
I think maybe getting counselling maybe what I need.
I'm sorry that any of us are here at all, but thank you all for commenting, it's made me feel a bit more hopeful that there's brighter times ahead.

RutDweller Thu 05-May-16 23:10:35

I haven't got anything useful to add but just wanted to say that I too feel this way. Following the thread with interest, and hope!

sparklyDMs Fri 06-May-16 07:27:03

It's a hard thing to get my head round, but your experiences have made me realise that although I don't want ex back now or ever, learning to be me again is harder than I expected. But that's the next step I guess being happy in my own skin.
The side helping of being a bystander as ex and ow have a much better life than I had with him (lots of holidays, weekends away, parties etc) doesn't help either! Like getting my nose rubbed in their great new relationship.
It's not a focus for me, but yeah - does seem unjust sometimes that he's come up smelling of roses.

HappyJanuary Fri 06-May-16 08:15:03

Watching his new life is the hardest thing for me. It's a lot of decades since I was last single but I'm enjoying it - making every decision to suit myself, never having to compromise. I'm finding all that quite liberating really.

Sometimes I get scared about the future - coping on one salary, lonely old age etc - but mostly the good outweighs the bad.

But hearing about his fabulous new life, doing lots of adventurous things that he used to refuse to do with me, well that hurts. I feel like I was a good wife and didn't deserve to be treated so shabbily, and that she's stolen my life somehow. I can't stand the thought that her joy is built on my misery. If I'm honest I spend far too much time fantasising about how and when their relationship will fail and I know it's unhealthy.

Vonnie2016 Fri 06-May-16 14:20:38

I really think it has something to do with that 1 year mark as I was just the same a month or so ago, I felt like I had really gone backwards as the year "anniversary" approached.
I know totally how you feel, it is a horrid place to be but it will pass again.
I know this sounds a bit silly but I found keeping a diary just writing out all the bad thoughts helped a lot, I would then rip it up.
One day at a time, I too worry about the future, I gave up my job when my first DD was born she is now 6.
So, he had 6 years of paying into a pension, 6 years of paying off his student loan and put all that on hold, he actually had the audacity to brag how he had nearly cleared his student loan! Good for you!!!
It will feel better with time, it will.

Duckdeamon Fri 06-May-16 14:38:31

How often / what proportion of the time does he have the DCs?

Is he doing actual, day to day parenting as well as Disney Dad stuff? Time alone with the DC when OW isn't the too? Paying decent maintenance etc?

If he's not spending much time with them and mainly doing Disney Dad stuff meaning you're the default parent and doing the hard work of that, while he does stuff that couples with no DC do it's not surprising you're pissed off, but what you have is far more important.

sparklyDMs Fri 06-May-16 15:50:55

Happy, I get scared about the future too, but most of the time I try not to think that big.
I think it's calmer in our house now, he was really difficult to live with the last couple of years, so there are more positives and I do get free time now which never happened before.
OW is really trying to ingratiate herself with the kids, which is understandable, but I am really struggling with it. I desperately want to tell her to back off, but I can't work out if I'm just jealous or she's overstepping boundaries confused

HappyJanuary Fri 06-May-16 18:22:31

I think she's being very insensitive if she's trying to ingratiate herself with the kids to the extent that it's upsetting you.

She isn't just a new partner, she was the ow, and must know that you've been terribly hurt. Your description sounds like she wants the children to prefer their house to yours, which demonstrates exactly what sort of person she is.

However, I think you have to tolerate it. What choice do you have? It would be worse if the children were unwanted or treated badly. At the moment they feel welcome and happy there, which is a good thing. One day they will be old enough to fully understand the situation and they'll make their own decisions.

sparklyDMs Fri 06-May-16 19:57:15

Thanks Happy, I was thinking the same - stay neutral particularly as the kids feel safe and happy with them.

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