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Me and my DF

(15 Posts)
HoundoftheBaskervilles Thu 05-May-16 02:43:13

FFS, I had a thread back in October about being ostracised by my Dad, he cut me off for no reason (well there was a reason, it's because DD has SN and he blames it on me).

He's refused to engage with me since then, I'm really fucking distraught because we always had a brilliant relationship for 41 years, he will not talk to me, but takes DD out for a day a week, I've had enough of a one-sided status quo so sent him a text (the only way he'll engage with me, he's blocked my number so i can't call him).

I said,

'Dad, question? Are we ever going to sit down and talk? we moved up here eight months ago now and haven't spent any time together, I've left it a decent time to discuss this but I'm not happy at your continuing refusal to even bloody talk to me. It's ridiculous, hurtful and confusing, and if you're going to continue down this path I'm afraid I'm going to have to cut all contact with you because the current divisiveness is ultimately harmful to MY family. I do have a son as well who would like to spend time with you, and I would like to discuss what you said to me in your email of last Autumn. To be cut off from your Father on supposition? It's a bit much. If you chose not to respond to this I can only take this as a clear indication you do not want to build any relationships. Which would make me sad, but hey ho, I will have to accept I did everything I could. x'

To which he replied;

'Dear Hound, WOW, quite a monologue, I'm not actually refusing to talk to you, not at all. It's more a question of how much energy one has to deal with life's problems. In practice, I have finally accepted I cannot help you directly; you have made your life's choices & that is your business, no matter what I think. After a lot of thought, I have come to the conclusion that my limited energies are best spent on your DD (DS seems fine). For whatever reasons, I think she can particularly benefit from my small efforts. She (and DS) are the future. I am very much the past, and you are not far behind. We and our concerns matter very little...and that's it, in a nutshell. Hound, you've had your fair share of my life...there's nothing more I can give you. I only wish I could spread myself to cover DS also...but he needs me less, and my time is finite. I hope this clarifies things a little. Dad xxx'

So my dad, who I had what I thought was a great relationship with for 41 years, just told me to fuck off essentially.

He won't speak to me, won't spend any time with me, I'm utterly distraught. It's hard enough having a DD with SN, but for a parent to tell you to fuck off because of it? It's fucking broken my heart.

I did send him a message back, I won't repeat it. I'm not even looking for advice really, there's none to give, I'm just so fucking hurt. I've been sobbing for five hours.

Baconyum Thu 05-May-16 02:54:33

I'm sorry you're so hurt but frankly I think you and yours are better off without him in your lives. The divisiveness isn't only applying to you and dd but dd and DS, why on earth would your DS deserve less? Plus he's talking a lot of twaddle! If someone cares for someone they make an effort to be in their lives no matter what. You don't deserve this.

HoundoftheBaskervilles Thu 05-May-16 03:00:45

I know (and thanks), it's just an axe to the heart.

I don't think anyone's ever hurt me so much, and I've done nothing to deserve it, nothing, and it's such a struggle with DD, it makes life hard anyway, and to be told this? I feel utterly abandoned.

Penfold007 Thu 05-May-16 03:16:36

I would immediate stop him having unsupervised access to DD. Perhaps he has ASD traits himself?

HoundoftheBaskervilles Thu 05-May-16 03:22:17

Ohh, I have Penfold, that stops immediately, and yes, I do strongly suspect he has an ASD.

It may be a cliche, but he's a professor of maths that used to work for NASA, he's always been very single minded to the exclusion of all else.

Penfold007 Thu 05-May-16 03:31:26

That's good, he can't be a good influence on your daughter. Sadly I don't think there is much you can do.

AyeAmarok Thu 05-May-16 03:35:35

That's an awful message he send you sad

Sorry, I have to ask as it's so bizarre a way to think; does he still have all his faculties? Could dementia have set in?

HoundoftheBaskervilles Thu 05-May-16 04:01:36

I know, I have wondered Aye, I don't know (I can't sleep so have flung myself out of bed to drink tea, glad there's someone around), I've suggested to DH he may be going 'off the boil' slightly, his wife has always been a strange one, so it's difficult to get close to him these days, but I did ask my youngest Bro, and he said he seems fine, 'A little quiet maybe'.

I'm just trying to compose an email to him.

HoundoftheBaskervilles Thu 05-May-16 04:17:48

I did immediate;y fire a text back saying, 'Woah, you bastard (I've NEVER called my father such a name, and who would really? But it was utter bastardry), that's cold'

I think I just want to send him an email telling him he's a fool, and to never darken my doorstep again.

But then, he's 71, and whilst still in pretty good shape (spends his time travelling the world climbing now he's retired), he won't be here forever and he's still my Dad, and until last September, we had a really (or so I thought), close relationship, spent lots of time together, made each-other laugh, he always had my back...I thought we were great friends.

I'm utterly conflicted between hatred and concern.

AyeAmarok Thu 05-May-16 04:20:06

Having read your previous update now where you say he's always had a complete one track mind then it's maybe that, and just "him" rather than dementia, but it's worth considering.

How old is DD? Is DS older? Did he used to "have time" for both before her diagnosis of SN?

HoundoftheBaskervilles Thu 05-May-16 04:36:43

DD is 7, DS is 9, he's always been very fond of DD and does favour her over DS, but never made time for either particularly other than family time we had together as we were living quite a distance away until September. One of the reasons we relocated was to be nearer my family (DH's parents are both dead), not for childcare or any 'support' as such, but just to be closer as three of my siblings and both of my parents are up here we just wanted to spend more time with them as it can be pretty isolating having a SN child.

Nollynoodle8 Thu 05-May-16 04:43:04

Whoa, sounds like he's got big issues. It must be incredibly painful for you but my advice would be to go nc & stay that way. Just cut him off and be done with it. Sadly I had to do this with my own parents. It's an incredibly painful thing to do but the only sensible option. There's no way I'd be thinking 'poor dad' or anything else after this. If he died without seeing me again, so be it.

SpearmintLino Thu 05-May-16 05:06:06

Your Dad talks a lot about time in his message, and of him bring 'the past' - could he have a terminal illness you don't know about?

Sorry, OP. flowers

Baconyum Thu 05-May-16 06:15:45

Yes making the decision to go NC and the fact of doing so is rough bit ime the relief and peace afterwards is worth it.

brassbrass Thu 05-May-16 11:29:00

How bewildering for you. How does he interact with your siblings and their DC? Does he have finite time for them as well?

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