Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Why can't I let this person go?

(30 Posts)
lottielou7 Wed 04-May-16 17:40:51

I've been struggling with this for about 2 years. A man who I've had an on/off thing with (although I haven't seen him since Christmas).

He isn't my type intellectually and he isn't a nice person. I think he enjoys doing this push me/pull me thing with me. At times he acts as though he's obsessed with me, interchanged with rudeness and the silent treatment which he'll suddenly apologise for 2 days later with some stupid explanation like 'sorry, I was in the wrong'. I find it stressful trying to understand what I find compelling about him when he is so unpleasant. He's never had a girlfriend and women seem to avoid him. I feel as though he must have done something to hook me though as I was not bowled over the first time of meeting.

I am not as obsessed as I once was but I feel this should have been out of my system long ago. I do so well blocking/ignoring him for weeks and then slip. A friend read some of his messages to me and said he sounds disordered.

I think it is fading but it irritates me that I can never cut contact once and for all.

pidgewidgeon Wed 04-May-16 17:59:29

My first partner was like this, it really does mess with your head.

Don't blame yourself for going back. I read somewhere that your brain reacts to the good times and positive emotions with "reward" chemicals, so your brain will actually be craving his attention (whether you want to or not).

I think the only thing that helps in situations like this is time, as annoying as it is. Try not to contact him, remind yourself of all the negative things he brings with him and how low he makes you feel when he ignores you.

Eventually it will kick in and you'll stop thinking about him so much, just like you no longer pine after your first love etc.

It's hard though! brewcake

lottielou7 Wed 04-May-16 19:08:02

Thanks. I'm glad it isn't just me. The problem is that I end up feeling he's treated me badly because I did something wrong. Even though I know that's irrational and that evidence suggests he treats everyone the same.

lottielou7 Wed 04-May-16 19:09:19

It's already on the wane but I keep wondering whether I'll repeat the same pattern again at some point as I've had a similar situation before this.

AnyFucker Wed 04-May-16 19:10:39

limerance

You can beat it. If you really want to.

lottielou7 Wed 04-May-16 19:17:31

Yeah, I've heard about limerence which I agree is exactly what it is.

What causes one to want to give the time of day to someone so vile though? He couldn't care less about anyone except himself and has no reaction in the face of a general tragedy.

AnyFucker Wed 04-May-16 19:22:07

I dunno

I suffered from it once, a long time ago. I cringe now when I think what an idiot I was. He actually repulsed me. He had smelly feet and he was a bit free and easy with his cock in dodgy places.

God knows what I was thinking. Thankfully I came to my senses after about 18 months when I looked at him one day and thought "what am I doing compromising myself for this loser ?"

Bye-bye loser. He cried and wailed but I was steadfast, I hope you can get to that point too. You will hate yourself the longer it goes on. Remember that the only person in charge of your life is you

lottielou7 Wed 04-May-16 19:24:43

Thank you AF, I always like your way of putting things. smile

lottielou7 Wed 04-May-16 19:27:37

Yes, the main problem is being disappointed in myself that I don't cut him off. And in his mind I'm always there if he grovels enough/lies about problems he's having

AnyFucker Wed 04-May-16 20:14:39

Prove him wrong then

lottielou7 Wed 04-May-16 21:16:19

I will. As I say, the feeling is on its way out. I suppose writing it down helps me to clarify my thoughts and strengthen my resolve. I look around at other people I know who never become obsessed with horrible men.

pineappleeyes Wed 04-May-16 21:53:34

I'm in the same boat as you lottielou. It's like an addiction. Ups and downs. Complete head fuck. I'm trying to distance myself and go no contact. Easier said than done though

lottielou7 Wed 04-May-16 22:05:29

Are you generally like this pine? As I say, this isn't the first time I've had this sort of situation but this man is particularly unpleasant and manipulative. I'm just wondering whether these type of men know when they've hit on someone who will play out their abusive dance over and over?

I have AS, so I think people can tell I'm 'different'. I am not sure how much this has to do with it, because of course people with AS tend to have obsessions anyway and I certainly do.

pineappleeyes Wed 04-May-16 22:33:24

This is the second arse hole lottielou. My friends rolled their eyes and said not again. I even said why do I attract these fuck wits? It's a very hard cycle to break. It's always nice to be wanted so each time he crawls back I'm like all over it. People have said I have low self esteem and if I was thinking straight & was at my full confidence he wouldn't stand a chance. My situation a bit different though as I am physically attracted to him & we do click. It's just the ups and downs, silent treatment and a few other negatives that make me think what the fk am I doing!! You're not alone. Try no contact. Focus on his negatives. A relationship should never be this emotionally draining .

lottielou7 Thu 05-May-16 11:59:51

Oh he's got plenty of those. I think it's about my dad - he's never had any interest in me. So I think I try to hang onto men who treat me badly to prove to myself that eventually they'll be nice and it will fix what happened with my dad. It was the same with my ex husband too.

Which is, of course, crazy.

Slowdecrease Thu 05-May-16 12:34:29

It's the hardest thing in the world to accept when someone is just plain bad for us. It's easier to assume we did something wrong to make it ok for us to be treated like that than just accept that someone really does not value us at all. Its that old saying isn't it "you get the same lesson repeatedly until you learn it". I've only recently had to cut off my exh completely as I realised he isn't my friend, we are not amicable for our daughters sake - he's a selfish arsehole and it took me 9 years of being with him and nearly 7 of trying to maintain friendship with him afterwards to realise that. 16 years of my life. He's only reeling you back in to test his prowess at doing it, not because he wants you as an individual in his life. It's not about you. Your path isn't to have this guy in your life. He's been and gone and given you a lesson - work out what it is, learn it, decide what you'll do different next time and enjoy employing those new found ways of doing it, you will get a different outcome.

CheersMedea Thu 05-May-16 12:51:23

I just posted this below on another thread. I think yours is the same problem - intermittent re-inforcement:

From this thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a2628358-Hes-gone-tepid-cut-my-losses?msgid=60874513#60874513

Blowers of the hot and cold really, really f*ck up your self esteem unless you (a) genuinely don't care yourself and are using them for your own ends or (b) are as hard as nails.

Because it is human nature to think "he was so keen, I'm the same person, what did I do?" and blame yourself.

Also it has the utterly mind f*cking effect of *intermittent reinforcement*(example link below but google for more on this). Best explained by the rat experiment. Rats in cage with lever. Press on lever get food. Over time the ratio changes so that it's only every 2nd press get food, only 5th press, only 10th press and so on. The rats go mental and start constantly bashing on the lever until they mentally explode in frustration like a microwaved hamster.

This is what happens to your brain with a man like this. You will keep "pressing the lever" of contact with him because you want the "hot" times back. The "hot" times will re-appear when he really thinks you are about to cut contact to real you back in. They get further and further apart; you try harder and harder to win the hot times back. Your brain = microwaved exploded hamster and your self esteem goes with it.

outofthefog.website/what-not-to-do-1/2015/12/3/intermittent-reinforcement

lottielou7 Thu 05-May-16 12:54:38

I think that about sums it up, yes.

Why do people behave like this though?

Slowdecrease Thu 05-May-16 12:58:05

because they can is probably the most succinct answer sad

lottielou7 Thu 05-May-16 13:01:17

That doesn't really make sense to me though. I guess what I mean is, what do they get out of it? I suppose they enjoy upsetting people but that's an alien concept to me, personally.

Slowdecrease Thu 05-May-16 13:09:25

Same here. If we thought like them we wouldn't be struggling to understand would we? I think at some point you just have to give up the struggle (as I did with my ex) of trying to comprehend it and resign this chapter to the archives where you can get it out in time to come when it's lost all its influence over you (it will), dust it off and have a little chuckle thinking wtf was that all about??

CheersMedea Thu 05-May-16 13:59:06

I guess what I mean is, what do they get out of it?

They get sex without intimacy or commitment. Men like this usually are doing the same thing with a lot of women so they can always tap one up when they want sex.

It's also very common behaviour in people with Narcissistic Personality disorder because they do the whole "lure you in" by mirroring you and acting like your perfect person until you criticize them for anything no matter how trivial, you get devalued and cast out, until they run low on attention else where and then they come back.

A good friend of mine had a hell of a time with a man like this. Really bad. He treated her like absolute garbage but she was obsessed with him and would go back again and again and again - even after months of no contact.

lottielou7 Thu 05-May-16 16:15:26

Well, actually I didn't want a full on relationship with him because I don't currently have the time and so we agreed at the beginning that for now we weren't going to be serious. On that basis he didn't actually have a motive for being weird with me.

lottielou7 Thu 05-May-16 16:20:06

He has very few real friends and also doesn't get on with his family either.

Slowdecrease Thu 05-May-16 18:04:39

I think when men and women agree not to be serious it tends to mean that the woman makes an unspoken promise not to fall for the guy or have any expectations (but usually fails miserably, been there) and the man means its not going to be serious i.e. I have no responsibility to you whatsoever and never will do. That means I phone you/ text you when I want sex or company.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now