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What can I say to help? (TRIGGER WARNING)

(24 Posts)
anotherchangeroo Wed 04-May-16 13:16:39

I've been chatting to a woman I met online for a bit now and she's revealed that her H abuses her, sexually and physically from what I can make out. She's very reticent to talk about it, and just says that she can cope, and it's fine really. I've tried encouraging her to talk to women's aid or similar but it seems like she doesn't want to confront the issue at all and would rather try and ignore it. I don't know what else I can say other than to listen if she does want to talk. I think I'm a bit of an escape from it in a way, but really can that help her at all?

(To avoid any drip feeding, yes I'm married too. I'm well aware of the morality of chatting to other women, but I'd rather not go into it all. I know full well how that will make me appear.)

hellsbellsmelons Wed 04-May-16 16:33:43

You just keep doing what you are doing.
If she wants to chat then let her and keep suggesting Womens Aid.

So..... you are having an emotional affair with this woman???

anotherchangeroo Wed 04-May-16 16:56:22

Thanks hells.

I guess you could say it's an emotional affair. We don't chat constantly, maybe twice a week for a bit, but we have been sexting too. I'm only really saying this to give the background to the contact I have with her. I'm not going to try and justify the unjustifiable. Anything I do say would just sound like the script anyway.

wombattoo Wed 04-May-16 17:03:37

Oh dear another. I can see why you're concerned but I suspect this thread won't go well.
Perhaps you should stop contacting her so she can focus on getting out of her relationship

Iamdobby63 Wed 04-May-16 17:08:31

whispers maybe you should be concerned for your own wife.

notthestereotype1 Wed 04-May-16 17:18:12

As terrible as her situation is, it's something which is only going to draw you closer because now you feel obliged to help her. Completely understand why you want to and who wouldn't?!! But if it's now an emotional affair, you really do need to step back and think about how this is likely to end.....

anotherchangeroo Wed 04-May-16 17:25:42

So best thing for her would be for me to say something like "This has gone too far and we need to stop chatting. Please get help and talk to someone. Your husband is abusing and raping you and the likelihood is that it will only get worse."?

Goingtobeawesome Wed 04-May-16 17:25:46

Tell her where to get help then leave her alone. Or leave your wife. It never ends well,when you invest in someone who isn't your spouse.

notthestereotype1 Wed 04-May-16 17:32:51

Op, are you saying that in order to help her you need to keep sexting in case she feels rejected? Do you actually talk to her on the phone? Or is it just online and via text?

Jan45 Wed 04-May-16 17:38:31

Leave her alone, you are cheating on your wife, concentrate on that, she could be feeding you a load of crap, Jesus, you've some nerve lol.

Merd Wed 04-May-16 17:44:00


Forgetting your wife, assuming you have Oh Such Good Reasons for cheating, and assuming that you really value this woman... (!)

Then you're still the last person who should be counselling her. That will fuck her up even more.

Back off and tell her to get help. And then yes, sort things out in your own marriage.

Merd Wed 04-May-16 17:46:30

(Women's Aid would probably be the place to refer her too btw)

anotherchangeroo Wed 04-May-16 17:47:36

No I'm not saying that notthe. I'm certainly not trying to use her situation as some sort of justification for what I'm doing.

wombattoo Wed 04-May-16 18:04:09

Yes. You should advise her to seek real help and end it

Heathcliff27 Wed 04-May-16 18:12:16

Yes, as all above. Sort out your own relationship.

hellsbellsmelons Thu 05-May-16 11:13:48

Rape crisis can help her as well.
Womens Aid can point her in the direction of local support services.

She could be making all this up for the sympathy card though so be careful.

And if your married life is crap then please do something about it.

You can't 'save' this woman.
She can only save herself and that takes a lot of support.
Texting and phoning will not be enough for her to 'escape'
And when/if she does get away then she will need time and space to find herself again.
She will need extensive counselling.
She won't be 'ready' for you for a long time yet.

MatrixReloaded Thu 05-May-16 15:54:47

Affairs typically involve the dynamic of damsel in distress and the rescuer. And lots of lies. Her husband might be very surprised about these allegations.

On the other hand it might be true which means she is very vulnerable. It also means you are potentially putting her in a dangerous situation with her abusive husband. And yourself and your family.

If I discovered messages along these lines I wouldn't hesitate to send them to your wife. Are these chats worth it ?

Summerlovinf Thu 05-May-16 17:08:02

Oh dear. Do you always target such vulnerable women? You might mean well but you're the last person she needs 'helping' her. Think what further risks you are opening her up to.

KelleBelle Thu 05-May-16 21:52:42

If she's with a violent man, just imagine what could happen if he read messages that she sent and received with you.

Doesn't bare thinking about.

I'm surprised she's even in a place enotionally where she'd want to be sexting a stranger with all that crap going on in her life tbh.

merville Thu 05-May-16 22:07:54

I'm usually extremely reluctant to doubt abuse, but she is physically & sexually abused by her H and she is sexting with you?!
It seems strange to take such a risk in the situation she says she's in.

scribblegirl Thu 05-May-16 22:10:38

Charity begins at home. So maybe stop cheating on your wife, rather than trying to help someone else's hmm

Isetan Sat 07-May-16 06:05:40

You're not helping and if your 'chats' are discovered by her H, then it could put her at risk. The whole dynamic is just plain messy and your attention is needed closer to home, escapism always has a price.

Startingover2016 Sat 07-May-16 06:14:46

Do you think sexting a woman who is being sexually abused is helpful or appropriate?

anotherchangeroo Sat 07-May-16 18:46:27

You're all right and I've stopped any contact. FWIW I didn't know when we started chatting what was going on. I think (though of course I can't know for sure) that I'm the only person she has told, not because I was anything special, but because the anonymity meant she felt able to be open. I've never had anyone confide that sort of thing to me and didn't really know how to respond other than to say she should contact women's aid, hence why I posted (fully aware that I would get a fully deserved kicking whilst at it).

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