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Have I made the right choice between two girls?

(74 Posts)
Pantana90 Wed 04-May-16 13:11:00

Hey everyone, I hope someone can help me with a bit of stress I have been going through lately. To give you some background information - I am 26 year old guy who has only been in one serious relationship. It lasted four years and I was dumped out of the blue two years ago and I was left absolutely heart-broken. I no longer speak to my ex.

After this happened, I went and had quite a bit of "fun" as a single guy and went from one fling to another. However, I never felt comfortable with these and if I am totally honest, I was only dating in the hope of getting sex. Once I got it, I usually got bored and made an excuse to end the flings - much to the disappointment of some of the girls.

Eights months after my ex broke up with me, my mum passed away. She had cancer and was just 47. Needless to say, this was so much to deal with in such a short space of time. The two women in my life who I truly loved and cared for were gone. I took a break from dating after mum died...around six months of no dates. Just had some "me" time to get my head straight.

At the start of 2016, I started dating again and once more I find my head in a screwed up place. I met a girl on a dating website and at first we agreed to keep it quite casual, which it was. However after a while it was becoming obvious to me that she was starting to develop more serious feelings. We would hang out and have a good time doing things like eating out, drives etc. She is a wonderfully generous and thoughtful person. 100% genuine and seems to care for me greatly. She has told me she really likes me and although I do like her - I am not sure I feel AS strongly. It has only been about two months since we started seeing each other.

In last few weeks, I started talking to another girl who also has all of these same qualities. If I am honest, I probably find this other girl a bit more attractive but I haven't known her as long. She is foreign and I don't know how long she would stay in UK as she is just new here. She isn't sure herself. In perhaps a rash and stupid move, I told the first girl I have been talking about that we should just be friends. I now question my decision. She was hurt but I know the door isn't completely closed and we could see each other again. Have I made the right choice? I feel guilty because she's such a good person who I care for a lot.

Why do I struggle to stick to a relationship these days? Would it have anything to do with the pain I suffered with my mum's passing and break-up? My thoughts now are to maybe spend a bit more time with the foreign girl and if I still have doubts I might try to go back to the other girl. Does anyone have any thoughts on my situation? Any help or advice would be greatly apprciated.

Kimononono Wed 04-May-16 13:16:39

Honestly? I'd go and have some councilling. You sound as if you have some issues that need resolving.

It's not fair that you think you can still pick up where you left it with the 1st girl. That's not on all you are going to do is fuck both girls head up and at the moment your every mothers/fathers worst nightmare!

Leave them both alone as you are not ready

Patheticfallacy Wed 04-May-16 13:17:57

If I was one of those 'girls' I'd really rather you didn't choose anyone. It doesn't sound as if you really respect them as people if you are flitting from one to another.

TheNaze73 Wed 04-May-16 13:19:04

Go for girl 2, as if you were happy you wouldn't even be looking. Think that's a Johnny Depp quite & it's so true

TheNaze73 Wed 04-May-16 13:19:34

Quote not quite!

Malvolia Wed 04-May-16 13:23:35

My thoughts now are to maybe spend a bit more time with the foreign girl and if I still have doubts I might try to go back to the other girl.

You're not choosing between two varieties of pick 'n mix, my friend. Nor are these two women going to hang around endlessly waiting for you to make some kind of executive decision. You sound thoughtless, self-entitled and yes, probably not over your break-up and bereavement. For God's sake, stop seeing anyone, grow up and get your head straight. Six months after your mother died is nowhere near enough. I'm very sorry for your loss, but losing your mother doesn't give you any free passes when it comes to hurting or confusing other people.

Kimononono Wed 04-May-16 13:26:10

If he was that intrested in no.2 he wouldn't be hedging his bets no.1 either.

Nah - you just bring a head fuck.

Scarftown Wed 04-May-16 13:29:47

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants Wed 04-May-16 13:29:58

You're not being very nice here, are you angry

Pantana90 Wed 04-May-16 13:31:50

No I am not being nice but I don't intend to cause any pain. I just don't know if I am ever satisfied. Sometimes I think I should just try to commit to something and it will bring me happiness. I just don't know if I ever want to get hurt again.

MarthaCliffYouCunt Wed 04-May-16 13:32:01

Wow youre asking about this like its a career decision! confused

1) you dont date girls, you date women

2) stop treating like a fucking ticklist of the best candidates. Date one person at a time, if you cant do that then dont date. You dont get to have all the warm and fuzzies with two people at the same time to keep your options open. Its not ok, its a dick move. Youre 26, thats adult, time to grow up.

Goingtobeawesome Wed 04-May-16 13:32:55

I think you're using your heartbreak as a way to justify messing with these girls heads while you dick about deciding who you can use next.

ProphetOfDoom Wed 04-May-16 13:33:08

The 'other girl' isn't a toy to be picked up and put down depending on how the wind blows. She sounds lovely but you already identified she wasn't for you so don't go back - however it works out with 'the foreign girl' [typing that makes my teeth itch]... what's the point?

Sure, find out what her plans are for staying in the country but it doesn't sound like you're feeling either tbh.

Have no idea if grief is affecting your ability to find a LTR but you are missing your mum. That's natural. Have you considered grief counselling?

Pantana90 Wed 04-May-16 13:36:04

I honestly don't think I am using my grief to justify what I am doing. I am not a bad person, I just have made a bad decision out of stupidity. I need time to think more about what I want.

Crinkle77 Wed 04-May-16 13:38:24

I think you should leave the first girl alone. It isn't fair to string her along and to use her when you don't have anyone else. In fact I don't think either girl is for you otherwise you wouldn't be dithering so much.

Kimononono Wed 04-May-16 13:39:15

Ok so go do that then. Your never going to get permission to act like this on here.

Pantana90 Wed 04-May-16 13:41:44

Ok well answer me this. Why just 24 hours after cooling it off with her am I doubting my decision? It seems like I have been on a destructive path in terms of my dating life since my ex. Why would this be?

StillDrSethHazlittMD Wed 04-May-16 13:43:37

I was waiting to see how many replies it would take before someone pulled the guy up on using the term "girls".

Tip for the future OP, only other women are allowed to call women girls on MN.

Mishaps Wed 04-May-16 13:44:03

I think you should simply stand back from dating anyone for the time being and wait until you feel mature enough to play fair with them. You do seem to have a bit of a problem with your attitude to women and it would be a kindness to step back until you have thought all this through properly.

You clearly do not feel strongly about either of these women and you should stop dangling them on a string and wait until the right person for you comes along. None of us has the right to use others. You have plenty of time ahead of you.

I am sorry to hear about your mother's death - it must be a tough time for you in that regard.

Pantana90 Wed 04-May-16 13:44:29

My apologies. I didn't mean to cause offence.

BertPuttocks Wed 04-May-16 13:45:26

Was "26" a typo and you meant to say that you're 16?

It's all either "woe is me" or "me me me".

My advice would be to leave both women alone until you've matured a little.

MarthaCliffYouCunt Wed 04-May-16 13:45:37

Ok well answer me this. Why just 24 hours after cooling it off with her am I doubting my decision? It seems like I have been on a destructive path in terms of my dating life since my ex. Why would this be?

How would anyone here know?

hownottofuckup Wed 04-May-16 13:47:00

You're only 26, I wouldn't worry too much.
If you're not as committed to the relationship with girl 1 as she was you've done the right thing to break it off regardless of girl 2.
Questioning is fairly normal so I wouldn't get too hung up on that.
If you care for girl 1 leave her be now. No one appreciates a head fuck.

MarthaCliffYouCunt Wed 04-May-16 13:47:16

I was waiting to see how many replies it would take before someone pulled the guy up on using the term "girls".

Aww did you win your own wee bet?

There are very obvious and good reasons why men who call women girls should be reminded that women are women and not girls.

Goingtobeawesome Wed 04-May-16 13:47:47

Maybe because you've realised what you'll miss now you don't have a girlfriend..

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