Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Have I dodged a bullet?

(20 Posts)
untraceable Wed 04-May-16 12:59:40

Going to keep this as short as possible and hopefully it won't be identifying. I'm mid twenties, with (now ex) boyfriend in mid thirties for 6 months. He has 17 year old DD from ex partner. I live with friends, he lives with his mother and brother in local authority housing nearby.

We were together for 6 months (the L-word was thrown around, by him) and though I enjoyed his company and he seemed serious, asking if he could meet my family, I had doubts about our long term compatibility. It was apparent we have very different expectations about what a healthy, balanced relationship looks like (plus one stellar incident where he took a load of MDMA and then gave me a lift without telling me, when I picked him up on it he said "well we didn't crash did we!?") so after a few weeks of arguing I called it a day. Cue begging and pleading on his part, saying he would change, he didn't realise how much he would miss me, etc etc. I was resistant at first but we tentatively started seeing each other again and he didn't put a foot wrong, planning things for us to do, and I really thought he had seen the error of his ways. This lasted all of two weeks until my recent birthday, where I booked a dinner for my friends to celebrate, including some of their partners. This was the night before my birthday.

He couldn't make it because apparently his mum (who makes the rent payments to local authority for their flat, he and his brother pay her and she pays the total, yes this man and his brother are in their 30s) had "f*cked up the rent" and apparently received a 7 day eviction notice, leaving him and his brother to find £2000 to pay it off. Which he decided to do by working for one of his friends who is a drug dealer. He couldn't attend the meal because he was harvesting weed in one of the friend's grow houses. I wish I was making this up.

I told him I wasn't pleased about the lack of appearance and felt humiliated (he already isn't popular with my friends after not treating me well the first time round.) I asked if anything would be happening on my birthday and he said he might come round with a card. I didn't blow my top and tried to hold it together but told him it wasn't really OK that he has essentially done nothing and let me down on a day that's supposed to be special. I'm not a "birthday princess" by any stretch of the imagination and I'm a big believer in meaningful things which aren't expensive, it could have been as simple as him coming round after the meal to stay the night so I could have woken up with him on my birthday, we could have taken the day off work together and gone for a picnic in the park, it's not about expensive gifts but rather the thought and consideration at making someone feel "special" on their birthday. He lashed out then, telling me I had "ruined my own birthday for myself" that I was a "f*cking spoilt brat" "you're pathetic and selfish you f*cking child", in a torrent of messages that went on all day (the birthday) leaving me on the verge of tears at work. When I said I didn't want to be with someone who works for a drug dealer (not an unreasonable request I feel?!) he accused me of being "f*cking full of myself".

As a side note, he didn't get me flowers (he booked a restaurant for dinner, but they "cancelled his booking" and he didn't bother to find anywhere else) on Valentines because he "didn't know which ones I liked" this is on a holiday where the flowers are literally selected for easy purchase. Bit of a red flag, maybe I should have taken more heed. Oh and he used to throw in that I thought I was so much more intelligent than him "because I had a degree" during arguments.

Anyway I had an epiphany after spending most of my birthday on the verge of tears after receiving his horrible messages, I've gone No Contact and blocked his number, along with all social media, which felt horrible but I feel I've dodged a bullet there. I've been in abusive relationships before (mostly emotional abuse but some physical too) and was in therapy last year, clearly I have some more work to do I think! It's scary how you can let little things slide until they become Big Things and suddenly you find yourself in a ridiculous situation being treated like an afterthought.

I just wanted to get a bit of outside perspective as I feel that my handle on bad treatment in relationships is a bit skewed (I feel a bit like "damaged goods" so I accept sub-par treatment because I think that's "all I'll ever get") If you got to the bottom of this, thanks for reading.

Iamdobby63 Wed 04-May-16 13:06:04

Well done you!

You dodged the bullet, you saw the danger approaching and you got out of the way, I would say that is a big turning point in halting the cycle of 'this is all I will ever get'.

Be proud of yourself.

Tiggeryoubastard Wed 04-May-16 13:06:31

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

givepeasachance Wed 04-May-16 13:10:47

Did he have any redeeming features?

Trust yourself OP, possibly a bit earlier if you can 😬
Of course he's an idiot and would have made your life consistently miserable.

Get thee back to the therapist/ do the freedom programme and vow never to ever put up with defective man ever again, not even for a day

HuckfromScandal Wed 04-May-16 13:53:48

You dodged a bullet.
move on and look after yourself!

hellsbellsmelons Wed 04-May-16 13:58:52

Wow - what a catch!!!! NOT!
The fact you even have to ask just shows you need to a lot more work on yourself before getting involved with any other men.
As the PP has said, if you didn't do it before then please contact Womens Aid and enrol on their Freedom Programme.
Do this as a matter of urgency.

Tigger that's not nice.
Many people have never had a 'normal' relationship and often need reassurance.
Not put downs!

Crinkle77 Wed 04-May-16 13:59:48

Yep you dodged a bullet.

piglover Wed 04-May-16 14:01:59

He sounds horrendous in multiple ways. Well done for getting rid.

pallasathena Wed 04-May-16 14:23:48

The pressures on young women these days makes me weep. I'm relieved not to be a young woman anymore. Where is the respect with so called men like this? Where is the basic decency?
Back in the day, when I was a young woman, men like this were a bit of a laughing stock in polite society. We called them 'Jack-the-lads' because basically, they were wasters, liars, fantasists and narcissists. And you wouldn't touch them with the proverbial bargepole.
If we need anything added to the National Curriculum, its a course in Twat Radar Technology for girls and young women to help them identify the colours and plumage of the lesser spotted male advantage taking, excuse making, and totally avoidant twat. I'll even make a donation.....

iseenodust Wed 04-May-16 14:28:55

Depends on whether you fancy making time down the line for prison visits.

RaeSkywalker Wed 04-May-16 14:29:31

You have dodged a bullet OP. Well done for being strong star

blindsider Wed 04-May-16 14:45:23

I am currently banging a long nail into my head and it really hurts , would it be a good idea to stop??

Devilishpyjamas Wed 04-May-16 14:49:40

Well the birthday/valentines stuff is neither here nor there - he sounds awful with no redeeming features.

You can certainly do better than him.

cherrybomme Wed 04-May-16 15:16:35

Yes, you dodged! well done, join the club. it should get quicker and easier each time if you cba again!

Chlobee87 Wed 04-May-16 15:26:17

Not only have you dodged a bullet, you have dodged an entire firing squad.

This is not a dig, but if you genuinely couldn't tell that for yourself without asking then you really, really do need to go back for some more therapy. I couldn't see one single redeeming feature about this clown in your OP.

RideLikeTheWindBullseye Wed 04-May-16 17:40:54

Stopped halfway through. Are you so stupid that you need to ask?

Tigger, that's just nasty.

AlMinzerAndHisPyramidOfDogs Wed 04-May-16 17:44:23

what a fuckin loser he is.
yep you did the right thing getting rid of this tosser.

Hissy Wed 04-May-16 17:51:31

Fucking hell. You had me at him "harvesting weed from a grow house"

That, right there was enough

What a monumental twat he is. I pity his child. I hope they have nothing to do with him.

Delete every number and contact you have, block him, change your name, relocate anything to never have anything more to do with him again.

You dodged a cruise fucking missile.

Joysmum Wed 04-May-16 17:56:24

The drug stuff alone would have seen me dumping him.

Can't believe you needed to ask if you e dodged a bullet, or that you didn't dump him because of the drugs, without needing to go through the stuff about your birthday.

TheSockGoblin Wed 04-May-16 18:08:03

Yes you dodged a big bullet. However that you are needing to run this by a forum like this suggests that possibly you could do with working a little on your boundaries / self-esteem / expectations for a healthy relationship.

Well done for getting rid, he sounds awful.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now