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EA parents - contemplating stopping contact

(62 Posts)
MusicIsMedicine Wed 04-May-16 11:49:50

Currently preg with first baby and have had a huge battle since week 5 with Hyperemesis, several other medical issues flaring up and then later on, SPD. Into third trimester now and on bed rest a lot. There's been a lot of hospital stays in last six months because of the massive sickness.

My mum and dad have not visited me once (they live too far away is their excuse - 200 miles) and never bother to ask me how my hospital appointments are going or the wellbeing of their first GC.

They've always let me down and not been there but I had somehow thought now they might change or it would be different with their first grandchild on the way but no. Their behaviour has ruined what should have been one of the happiest times of my life.

The other day, I got a text off my mother suggesting that because I'm "in bed all the time" I won't be fit to look after a child and suggesting adoption!!!

No offers of help or support of any kind, just straight to giving my unborn baby away just because I'm having a very difficult pregnancy.

She's destroyed my confidence in myself and filled me full of doubt and fear about my ability to care for a baby and I've been constantly crying since and feeling extremely down.

I texted her back to say her comments were unacceptable and it was not on and I expected an apology. She turned it round and blamed me and refused to acknowledge how wrong it is to say these things. Then texted me the next day as if nothing had happened!

Has anyone here gone no contact with parents? I feel this is the final straw in a very long list of abusive behaviour and I've just had enough.

MusicIsMedicine Wed 04-May-16 12:58:03

Anyone?

hellsbellsmelons Wed 04-May-16 13:37:35

I've very lucky to have never been in your situation but there are many people who's lives have improved massively from going no contact with toxic, narcissistic parents.

Read this book HERE
It might help you understand a bit more.

There's a stately homes thread HERE and you will get a lot of support over there.

Your DM comment about adoption is just unreal. Please ignore her.
I think NC would be good for you right now.
You don't need the negativity during your pregnancy.
Block and ignore as much as you possibly can.

OnTheRise Wed 04-May-16 19:41:56

Abusive people don't change just because a baby is added to the mix. If anything, they get worse. Their abuse intensifies, and they then have another victim to play with.

Once your baby arrives you'll be responsible for his or her safety. It'll be up to you to prevent your parents from upsetting your child as they have upset you. Whether you do that by setting and strictly enforcing boundaries, or by cutting contact completely, is up to you.

I found that my parents would find a way to crash through all and any boundaries I set--if anything, boundaries made them worse, not better, as they saw them as a challenge. In the end, after many many years of unhappiness, I told them I didn't want to hear from them again unless they apologised for a specific incident, and that I wanted that apology by email. Cue lots and lots of angry phone calls from my mother and several abusive emails from my father. I had to block their phone number in the end, and threaten them with the police, but they leave me alone now and it's been bloody brilliant. I wish I'd done it years ago. We are all much happier with them and the trouble they caused out of our lives.

Hissy Thu 05-May-16 07:43:28

The turning it round on you one minute and then behaving like nothing happened? Know that we'll.

Nc now. She made my boy suffer in purpose, and emotionally blackmailed him.

Then much later her and her h came round to talk at me and refused to leave when I asked them to take their hands off my boy and go.

They waited until the police arrived and still tried to tell me I was wrong and asked the police to negotiate

Please save yourself the bother and heartache, just phase them out.

Hissy Thu 05-May-16 07:44:02

Sorry, my phone makes words and grammar up 🙄

Kr1stina Thu 05-May-16 07:58:15

Yes I went non contact and it saved my sanity .

I had to do it because they were starting to EA my children . I didn't spot it at first because they did it in a different way .

AttilaTheMeerkat Thu 05-May-16 08:02:22

They were not good parents to you (understatement) and they are rubbish examples of grandparents to boot. Such toxic people more often than not become toxic grandparents. As you have seen all too clearly by now too, they do not and will not change. Your child needs positive and life affirming role models, not those who tear down their mum at any given opportunity.

Further lower all forms of contact with your parents with a view to going no contact with them. You would not have tolerated any of this from a friend, family are really no different. Do read Toxic Parents written by Susan Forward and post on/read the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread as well.

MusicIsMedicine Thu 05-May-16 13:39:07

Thank you for the replies. It helps to know I'm not alone.

When I tried to go no contact before, my mother started sending me texts threatening to call the Police and report me as a missing person. This is what she does, she resorts to threats when she cannot control me.

What can I do if she starts this up again when I try to cease contact?

AttilaTheMeerkat Thu 05-May-16 13:49:07

Your mother's behaviour is called hoovering and such disordered people resort to that behaviour when they are losing control of their intended victim.

You need to block all her ways of contacting you. Her number can and should be blocked from your phone. I would also pull the plug on all of your personal social media like FB (or at the very least greatly raise your privacy settings).

No contact is precisely that; they need to have no means at all of directly contacting you. You do not contact them either in any way shape or form. Any stuff received by you from them should be shredded and or taken to the charity shop.

Her threats are more likely than not empty ones but if your mother did that she would be spoken to at length for wasting police time. If you keep on receiving abusive phone calls and such other harassment have no compunction in reporting them to the authorities.

Dollius01 Thu 05-May-16 13:49:16

I am no contact with my parents because my mother is a nasty, vindictive bully and my mental health cannot bear any more exposure to her. I miss my father dreadfully but he has refused to see me without her, so now I feel very abandoned by him. He feels abandoned by me as he truly believes I should just suck it up for his benefit.

It is very, very hard OP. Is your OH understanding/supportive? This is crucial I think. What about siblings? I am lucky in that my siblings support me and two are also very low contact with my parents.

Mellowautumn Thu 05-May-16 13:51:22

The police won't be remotely interested you are a grown up - if she persists tell her once to stop - resins to nothing else and if there is any further contact report her to the police for harassment. Make sure you document /note everything and keep any messages. I would do this anyway as I suspect that you will get reported to SS at some point as well.

hellsbellsmelons Thu 05-May-16 15:29:23

If she texts your to say she is going to the police to report you as a missing person.
Ignore her.
But keep the text.
When the police arrive at your house you show them the text.
They will round her house so fast for wasting police time, she won't know what has hit her!
Ignore any threats.
Even better as PP's have said, block her numbers.
Get a new SIM card with a new number for yourself if that will help.
But she CANNOT control you anymore.
You are an adult and can do what ever you like now.
Do not get hoovered back in again.
So she makes a threat? So what, ignore her.
Good luck OP.
I've soon a lot of posts of here of people have managed to go NC and their lives are so much happier now.

cozietoesie Thu 05-May-16 15:52:24

Keep all relevant texts.

The police might feel obliged to come round if they had a 'tearful' woman on the line going on about how she was 'worried about my daughter and her baby' but it should only be the once. Explaining about the situation and showing them any correspondence should send them away pretty sharpish.

You wouldn't be the first person that's had to face the constabulary on the doorstep in those or similar circumstances. (It's a classic control method/attempt.) Opening the door in your PJs with - in the best of all worlds - a slice of toast in your hands, fair sorts the situation. wink

Hissy Thu 05-May-16 16:32:20

The most the police would do is a welfare check, and then you'd have the opportunity to tell them exactly how much she's harassing you.

Do not bite. Let her text and rant, she won't report you. If she does, it'll back fire on her badly.

MusicIsMedicine Thu 05-May-16 17:24:26

So, so glad I've found this support.

I can't believe how long I've put up with her abuse. It's only since being pregnant and having maternal feelings that I've started to really see her for what she is - a massive narcissist and a downright horrible person.

During all the time with HG, when I've been at my lowest ebb, rock bottom and having days when I felt I couldn't continue and going into hospital constantly, she was sending me text messages saying "I should be up and about and not lying in hospital and she worked during pregnancy" and "I shouldn't be taking tablets and I should be putting that poor baby first" and how she only took vitamins in pregnancy - despite the fact both me and baby could have died from dehydration from massive HG, without medical treatment.

Conveniently forgetting to mention how she smoked like a chimney whilst pregnant with me and then in the house right beside me for 2 decades.

I don't know why I've let this behaviour destroy my life for so long.

If I need time to recover properly after I have the baby, can she try to get it adopted or would SS take it away? My OH is amazingly supportive and has totally carried me through the preg. I am confident I will be ok in time when I can build up my eating and my strength properly again from all the vomiting of the last 6+ months.

But I just do not trust my mother at all, she is already painting me as an incapable parent for being severely ill and needing medication - and I haven't even had the baby yet. She will be there telling my Dad and anyone else who will listen, how worried she is about her poor GC and what an unfit mother I apparently am and how she's the victim.

She plays my siblings and I off against each other and my sister (who is childless and self-obsessed) and her gang up on me. My sister's response to finding out I was Pg was "oh why does she need that at her age" - (37) - followed by them both dissecting my life and no happiness for me at all. I kid you not, this is my family!

Zaurak Thu 05-May-16 20:59:13

Hg is rough - I had it and it was terrible, so flowers for that.

Let her call the police. When they come round, greet them politely, ask them in and make them a cuppa. Show them the texts. Tell them frankly what she's like. Ask their advice and express regret their valuable time has been wasted. I assure you 100% that there will be zero problems for you and they may well reprimand her for wasting their time.

As a child you have no choice - your family is just ... There. But now you do. You do not have to see these people. You really don't.

Hissy Thu 05-May-16 21:17:56

Your last post love, I'm so cross for you!

Do me a favour could you, open your phone, take the SIM card out and when you're next vomiting in the loo, chuck it in before you flush it where it belongs.

Please don't have another thing to do with this awful woman.

Trust me, the longer down the path of being the (bloody good) mother you will very soon be, you will get more angry as you realise just how wrong what you went through was.

Don't worry, you will soon know what love is, you'll know how wonderful it feels to love and be utterly adored back. Just wait, it's priceless.

But...

If you don't get your mother away from you, she will hurt little one to hurt you. She won't be able to resist. You are not alone any more, the hg won't last forever, none of these complications will last forever and in a few months time you will begin to forget all about it as you get a lovely baby to cuddle and love.

We can hold your hand through it all. You have hundreds of new mums now... Some older, some not so much

UpsidedownDog Thu 05-May-16 21:39:46

The problem is that narcs will twist things round and make it look as if you called the police on her, so she's looking like the victim and you're the bad guy. I've said before, on the *Stately Homes* thread, that the decent people will want to get both sides before making a judgement on your situation. They should then come to the conclusion that your mum was reprimanded for wasting police time.

Keep any texts, FB/other social media notifications (do screen shots and paste onto a Word document if need be), records of phone calls etc as evidence against her of her harassment of you. Before you do that, record yourself telling her that you want no further contact from her from now on. That way, you can prove you asked her to stop contacting you and that she continued trying.

If she calls the police, claiming she is worried about her GC, then ask them about getting an injunction against her. Once you mention an injunction, they'll know something is going on and they may call again with an incident form or booklet (for ongoing harassment). This is to record every incident and time your mum contacts you. It may help to put your mobile on camera (with audio) and set it somewhere that you can be videoed telling her to stop contacting you. You can then show it to the police. Can you put your landline on loud-speaker so you can record her response? That could be more evidence against her. Every single piece of evidence needs to be recorded so that a bigger picture of your mum's behaviour is seen and the appropriate action is taken.

I must go, but hopefully there's something in my post that may help. Keep your chin up OP, you will get through this and come out the other side smile

starry0ne Thu 05-May-16 21:56:42

I went NC with my Mum over 20 years ago...

It helped me become free but I still craved my mums approval, some acknowledgement she loved me...Never got it..Last time I spoke to her was about 6 years ago...

What I am saying is I do think it is natural to want your parents approval but sometimes you are never going to get it.

MusicIsMedicine Fri 06-May-16 12:54:29

Just wanted to say thanks ever so much for all the support and those who shared their experiences.

Hissy, those kjnd words made me cry. I've not only had all this with my parents but also had what I had thought were a few good friends let me down badly during this long pregnancy struggle, so am very grateful for the kind words here.

Don't know how to quote or reply to individual posts, but quite amazed how many others have had to involve the Police on toxic parents.

My main concern now is keeping my mother away from my baby. There's no way I'm having my own child be put through what I went through.

dodie1308 Fri 06-May-16 15:00:23

I am so sorry you have had to deal with this during your first pregnancy and especially when you have felt so ill. I too had a terrible time with my mother all my life and her behaviour gradually worsened after I got married and became pregnant. Shortly after my daughters birth I realised how sick my mother was and cut all contact with her. My wonderful beautiful little girl is now nearly 12 and has been the most amazingly precious gift in my life. My mother too threatened to take the baby away, report me to social services, accused me of being psychotic. She also accused me of sleeping with various people, before and after the birth, including the man who cleans her Windows??? ( he is nice but about 80) you can never change how people behave towards you, only your reaction to it. Sod her and your weak father, your are about to start on the best phase of your life and they just don't figure in it. Good luck and best wishes

hellsbellsmelons Fri 06-May-16 15:11:16

If I need time to recover properly after I have the baby, can she try to get it adopted or would SS take it away?
Do NOT listen to her crap any more.
Of course she can't do anything like.
Don't give this a 2nd thought.

I'm glad this is all helping you.
Block your crappy sister as well!

cozietoesie Fri 06-May-16 15:34:18

NC is so peaceful. smile

It will give you the opportunity to recover your own health and to enjoy the new baby and family life without all the dramas.

RatherBeRiding Fri 06-May-16 16:52:03

Horrible for you to have to put up with all this crap during your first pregnancy, on top of feeling physically unwell too.

Absolutely go NC to save your sanity. Do NOT take any threats to report you to police or social services even remotely seriously. These agencies will see through people like this a mile off and if anything she will get a warning for wasting police time!

See these for what they are - nasty, empty, bullying threats. Don't respond to them. Don't take ANY notice of them. NC means just that - block all phone, email and social media contact. Return any post unopened simply address "return to sender". Do NOT allow any "flying monkeys" to make you doubt yourself and your actions.

You can do this and, believe me, your little family unit will be all the stronger for it!

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