Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Spring has sprung and the sap is rising! It's Dating Thread 104

(998 Posts)
IToldYouIWasFreaky Wed 04-May-16 10:45:35

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize-they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread.
11. Read Why Men Love Bitches (aka WMLB), and take from it what you will.
12. Don't serve up moose burgers on the first date (although this is still in debate right now)
13. Matthew Hussey also very useful. And very easy on the eye even if you don't find him any good.

Datingbarb Wed 04-May-16 10:53:29

Oh can I join? I'm currently getting myself out there on the dating game!

It's so boring, POF is just full of idiots so giving tinder I try, currently chatting to one guy who seem nice and normal..... Just getting to the stage where we are telling each other about our life etc so this will be when I tell him I have children.... Actually I have 4 children so let's see if he runs grin

Last one deleted me when I told him I had been married/divorced...... Come on I'm nearly 37 for gods sake

ocelot7 Wed 04-May-16 10:59:15

Freaky Possibly... but it will make him defensive f he isn't already...
That's why you need to thnk how you want the conversation to go beforehand (though in my experience this can all go ut the window when yr actually talking! shock )
I think you will feel better afterwards if you are kind+assertive... whatever the outcome...

IToldYouIWasFreaky Wed 04-May-16 11:07:11

Welcome barb! And good luck...I hope your iron does not run away when you tell him you have kids...

Ocelot I'm still struggling with how I want the conversation to go! My first instinct was to say "can we talk?" as I hate doing these things by text but as to what I actually want to get out of the conversation... confused I do want some answers but I'm not sure if he's going to give them to me so I guess the best I can hope is that I can deliver the MH thing and leave it on a friendly note, which I KNOW is more that he deserves but it'll make me feel better.

MegFlyAway Wed 04-May-16 11:09:36

Freaky I am so angry at Bacon! At least you have an answer now.

Datingbarb welcome! I've learned alot from this thread. Ha I get some men running away when I explain I'm 29 and separated. So frustrating!

It's been 3 days now since MrFit. They always come back again at some point right? I will not text him!

Need some new irons to take my mind off it.

ocelot7 Wed 04-May-16 11:10:08

We always want to understand what happened but one thing I've learnt is that Men NEVER give answers when cornered... & eventually we accept we won't ever know... sad

Agree its horrible by text so better to talk...hope you get that friendly positive note smile

MegFlyAway Wed 04-May-16 11:10:24

Also, I'm determined to go on at least one date during this thread!

IToldYouIWasFreaky Wed 04-May-16 11:18:29

Yeah, you're right Ocelot! I think the general tone of the call will be "WTF happened there?!" but I do accept that I may never know. I really want to ask him if he's been talking to anyone else but if he says no I won't believe him anyway and if he says yes I'll be crushed so I think I'll just kid myself that he hasn't been.

Meg They don't always come back! The trick is to not give a fuck whether they do or not...but easier said than done. You do need some new irons! Which sites are you on?

JollyXmasJumper Wed 04-May-16 11:47:36

Hello everyone!

New shiny thread, yay! Thanks Freaky! I think the easiest way for you to handle the conversation would be to 1) leave him the floor to explain himself, let him do the talking and then when he is done 2) deliver the 21 days speech. Glad to hear you feel ok!!

Fox I read somewhere that getting back with an ex should only happen if you are satisfied with how things ended the last time. I makes a lot of sense, because you are less likely to idealize the break up than the rest of the relationship. So giving it a cold hard look, what do you think of the break up?

Good luck Sassy on your date tonight! (And brew in the meantime!)

Reddish I think it is very wise to stay away from potentially pressurizing comments. It sucks, I am sorry. If it cheers you up, pulling back after you have explained yourself (take note Bacon and Karmic) is the only way you still might have a shot at reeling her back in. Chances are slim though so moving on is probably the healthiest thing to do.

Bant that sounds like a promising iron! If she has very little free time, I would make sure she knows you appreciate her spending it with you.

Datingbarb welcome! Yes, brace yourself for the "50K shades of weird" you are about to discover! Get your rhino skin on, have fun and never ever loose sight of the fact you are a bloody amazing catch. Anyone failing to claim you, that is his loss.

314 lose the 29yo. Honestly. They are still trying to figure out what a savings account is, a grown-up relationship is not on the cards. You will end up babysitting. I am the same age and they even try it with me, even though mothering is definitely not me. I think the switch flips for men at around 33/34yo (eternal man child case aside), I would aim for that.

Handy how was the Twix date?

<waves to everyone I have missed>

So, Karmic. The ball is in his court to convince me he is not an insensitive, self-absorbed, flaky idiot at heart and that was just a mistake. Either he steps up or I am done. If he does step up, I will still be hammering the message next week when we get together, at the amazing date he is supposed to organize. I will tell him face to face how his behavior made me feel. Given his personality, I think hearing that I felt hurt, used and violated will be enough for him to never do it again.
There will not be any forgetting or forgiving anytime soon and he knows it. I just need to be careful not to blow things out of proportion because I have a tendency to that. Understatement of the century. Plus, his behavior was a massive turn off for me. I was already kind of on the fence, but I am not sure I care where this goes now.

Oh and Karmic pissed me off so much that I messaged MrOrganizedYogi. Who has replied with a sweet/friendly message. This will not go anywhere anytime soon though as he is still absorbed in his job search and talking about moving to Asia. But still, it was a nice, grown-up (wink 314, he is 34) message.

And yup, I wrote the first novel-like post of the new thread blushgrin

reddishdevil Wed 04-May-16 12:58:07

Jolly I mentioned up thread that we men like to get the message spelt out so there is no room for misinterpretation. In these situations, the danger is in being seen to go too far, or in repetition, so this is perhaps one where you should hold short of showing him the full depth of your pissedoffness. I’m sure one barrel is both deserved and necessary; two probably OK, but stopping to reload is perhaps counterproductive.

And thanks for your comments. I’m trying to find a line between explaining myself and avoiding the pressure. Not easy, if not impossible.

Marking place had a few messages over night. Determined to make it to a 2nd date with someone in May lol grin and take my scales with me!

314PrettySweetMamaJammer Wed 04-May-16 13:46:09

Nothing would persuade me to meet up with that 29 year old again.

Datingbarb Wed 04-May-16 13:56:23

Haha when you all welcomed me and started talking about irons I wondered how on earth you all know I brought myself a new iron last week blush

So think I'm in a good place for dating at the moment, my heads in the right place! Had a 2 dates the other month with Mr Paws, he was nice, didn't care I had 4 kids and prob would be lovely except there was just no spark and he was far to touchy feely for my liking, rearranged tables at the resurant so we could sit next to each other, walked me to the bathroom and back to hold my hand, and kissed me on average every 3 minutes weather I was eating or not confused now don't get me wrong I'm affectionate but seriously STOP PAWING ME.

Current guy is going to need a name but think I need to get to know him a bit better first

314PrettySweetMamaJammer Wed 04-May-16 14:04:01

So Freaky you haven't had the conversation yet?
I'd give it to him both barrels. It's like we said on here a few threads back. These guys who want casual sex, they want it both ways, they don't want to meet somebody in a club who says 'come on then'' at 2 am, no. That won't do them. They enjoy the chase. The enjoy being on the periphery of a relationship in the stage where nobody owes anybody anything. THAT they LIKE. They enjoy the lead up. The dance. They enjoy the challenge of having sex with a woman who has actually made it clear she doesnt want casual sex. And then she's the last to know that the sex was casual. His behaviour was shabby. He is a cad and a bounder. He is no Mr Darcy. He is willoughby.
Tell him if he wants casual sex have casual sex. If men want casual sex they shouldn't be able to enjoy the 'dance' again and again. I bet he's done this loads of times Freaky. What is this alleged 'baggage'?

TooSassy Wed 04-May-16 14:20:38

Place marking. Utterly manic day. Good news is it's giving me zero headspace to even think about tonight's non date date

MyGastIsFlabbered Wed 04-May-16 14:22:03

Marking place, will update properly later when I'm not wrestling a 3 year old for my phone!

IToldYouIWasFreaky Wed 04-May-16 14:33:08

Nope, due to talk to him tonight. That was my suggestion, by the way, as I wasn't really free to talk last night.

I dunno though 314. I don't think it is a sex thing. He hung around all Sunday without trying it on, remember? And could have come back this weekend for another go. That sex was NOT satisfying. Unless he tried it once, decided it wasn't worth it and is now moving on?!

I just don't know! But, I do know that actually, thinking badly of him does not help me AT ALL because it just makes me feel worse. I would rather think that he's a generally good bloke that has some issues and had a change of heart and handled it badly, rather than someone who set out to deliberately dupe and manipulate me. Cos that makes me feel like a fool. sad And I just can't go through life thinking that every guy is a potential liar. I'll end up bitter and twisted and alone.

So, that's the story I will tell myself. Maybe that makes me a sap and a pushover but like I say, I feel better with believing that than the alternative. So I won't yell at him tonight, just behave with dignity and compassion and try to get some answers.

I do have my pride and my standards though and I know what I want, which is a proper, committed, exclusive relationship and I am not settling for anything less with anyone. He won't talk me round to anything else tonight and I have learnt my lesson about having sex too early for next time. Though I am still not sure if that changed anything...if he WAS doing the dance, he would have done it for longer if necessary. Just the sex might have been better if we'd known each other a bit more!


This thread definitely needs a glossary. We've been saying it for ages but I might actually get round to doing it soon.

Datingbard Paws sounds like a nightmare! Walking you to the bathroom?! WTAF?

Jolly I am sure you will handle Karmic just fine! You have done so well so far! And it's funny that MrOrganizedYogi responded as well as MrEloquent did. Clearly, messaging old irons for a bit of an ego boost is the way forward. grin

314PrettySweetMamaJammer Wed 04-May-16 14:39:52

I know pet, initially it didn't help me at all to think badly of Bear either.
But, now, well, bit of distance, a few cogs shifted, and................. now I see that although he really strongly identifies with being a good bloke, he also rationalised things in his get to get a relationship at somebody else's expense. So it's not good guy V bad guy. It's the amount of cognitive dissonance and the power of rationalisation.

WavingNotDrowning Wed 04-May-16 14:44:21

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

314PrettySweetMamaJammer Wed 04-May-16 14:49:05

ps, all the forty somethings have stopped messaging. I only have MaybeMarried45 still messaging me.
And a few blokes in their early 30s fgs.

Not an iron but a rl x sent me a whatsapp last night asking if I want to meet up. I don't. He was nice but a bit dull and he was ten years older so I just didn't really fancy him.. I know I'd only be messing him about. So I didn't reply. God why is it so hard to meet men your own age. Boys or owlfellaz

IToldYouIWasFreaky Wed 04-May-16 14:50:42

I know. I never thought badly of Mr2015 until I got a bit of distance and now I can see that he didn't always behave as well as he could have done.
I'm just not there with Bacon yet and certainly not ready to yell at him today, though I may well let him know how hurtful I found his behaviour over the past week.
And also, what could I have done differently? The only thing was to not to have let myself get quite so emotionally involved but I just don't know how you are supposed to do that!

Marvel iron has just messaged me on pof! It was a quick message saying he didnt know if he had pissed me off sent me messages on monday about the date and sent another 2 yesterday and had no reply. And he hoped i was ok.
I have received no messages!!

WavingNotDrowning Wed 04-May-16 15:01:45

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tanyadm Wed 04-May-16 15:04:36

Hello new thread. This is going to be the one where I turn things around....or maybe the next one, seeing the speed they move at! 😆

IToldYouIWasFreaky Wed 04-May-16 15:06:03

Let's be honest, I was way, way over invested with Bacon before I'd even met the charming bugger! It was going to hurt like a mofo whenever he decided to bugger off...

Oooh, muddling! How did he say he'd sent messages? On PoF? Good that he's got back in touch though, clearly keen!

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now