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DH has just told me he's leaving

(76 Posts)
stressedandalone Wed 04-May-16 00:01:32

I can't take it in. I know he's not been happy for a long time but thought we could work things out, but he doesn't want to try. We've been together 17 years. Both my daughter and I have disabilities which are going to make it hard for us to manage on our own. That's one of the reasons he's hung on for so long.

We own our house but don't have much equity. We have lots of debt not tied in with the house. Everything is joint names, even bank. Neither of us have any separate money.

So far things are friendly enough. Just very sad. But what do I need to do? Every instinct is to beg him to stay, but I know deep down that he will be happier without being tied to us.

ImperialBlether Wed 04-May-16 00:03:52

What a horrible situation. I'm so sorry. Did he say why he wasn't happy?

On a practical basis, how will you find a way to manage? Do you have someone who can help you?

VimFuego101 Wed 04-May-16 00:04:41

<holds hand>

How old is your DD? Where is he planning to go?

stressedandalone Wed 04-May-16 00:06:39

He doesn't like being a dad. He didn't want dd and has a difficult relationship with her. I overcompensated and am 100% focused on dd.

My parents are close by, but in an ideal world I don't want to be any more reliant on them than I am already sad

stressedandalone Wed 04-May-16 00:07:56

Dd is 10. I don't know how she will take it. He has no idea where he will go. We will talk about it tomorrow evening after he finishes work.

Oddsocksgalore Wed 04-May-16 01:38:47

I'm so sorry op.

What a horrible situation to be in.

Do you have any one that could be with you tomorrow?

I found it helped me to focus by thinking of questions I wanted to go ask based on the worries I had.

Hopefully by thin time tomorrow you will have a clearer picture and that in itself will make you feel better.

Oddsocksgalore Wed 04-May-16 01:39:36

This not thin.

Think that was was my subconscious!

stressedandalone Wed 04-May-16 03:40:43

I have to go to work. I have no sick days left and won't get paid if I don't. I can't stop crying though so no chance of keeping things private

stressedandalone Wed 04-May-16 05:27:27

Still awake. He just left for work without a word. We haven't been happy for years but for me I was committed to hang in there and try to make the best of it. I don't have feelings of romantic love for him most of the time, but I do love him. He says he hasn't met anyone else. It is purely that he hates living with me and dd

icklekid Wed 04-May-16 05:34:26

I'm so sorry to hear what a difficult situation you are in and am not surprised your not sleeping.

One step at a time is my only advice. Keep talking and don't worry if you have to rely on friends and family more for the short term to help get you through this. They love and care for you and want to support you.

Will dh still have contact time with dd? If that would help you or her do push for it as leaving isn't a way to walk away from his responsibility as a dad! Take care flowers

stressedandalone Wed 04-May-16 07:08:31

We haven't worked out any details. He works long hours and needed to get some sleep. We have planned to talk about what happens next tonight. My problem is I get very emotional and find it hard to discuss anything

BeauGlacons Wed 04-May-16 07:15:48

I hate to ask but are you married?

DawgDawg Wed 04-May-16 07:21:08

Im sorry OP. Ive been there & it hurts like no other. flowers

But you WILL get through this. Every single time you look at your DD, you will be driven to survive. Hold your head up high. You & DD are worth more than a million of him.

Sorry but lets get you sorted! Practicially speaking, Do you still have a mortgage?

stressedandalone Wed 04-May-16 08:13:30

Yes we are married, we have a mortgage with very little equity. I could live here alone paying interest only but I'm not sure how much of the repayment I can manage by my self. He earns slightly more than me but not much, but I don't have great job security right now, and if I do lose my job (going through a merger) I will struggle to get another one as I'm a specialist and am living in an area of the country where there aren't many opportunities for me.

stressedandalone Wed 04-May-16 08:15:19

We also have large debts (a loan and a card) that are in joint names. We have joint accounts and neither of us has any separate money

stressedandalone Wed 04-May-16 08:16:03

But job one is getting to work without crying....

Job two will be being at work without crying

Kimononono Wed 04-May-16 08:21:04

Hello stressedandalone

I think it's time for you to get very angry at this man. Im angry for you.

Its not ok to do what he is doing.

I'm sure some one will be along soon with some great monetary advice and help you get your senses together.

You have to be the strongest person you can be now and really dig deep for it with your dd.

Your Dh sounds like a selfish prick angry

TheWildRumpyPumpus Wed 04-May-16 08:32:46

I hope you get through the day OK.

If you've both not been happy for years and there's no romantic love left, it's not the best situation for either of you to be in long-term. You both deserve better flowers

StillDrSethHazlittMD Wed 04-May-16 08:33:09

Sorry for you OP, truly.

But Kimono why is he a selfish prick? I'm sorry, but we always read on MN that if people are not happy in a relationship, for whatever reason, they should leave. Clearly, the OP was fully aware that he has not been happy for a very long time and the OP herself admits in her first posting that he has held on for as long as he has because of their disabilities. That, to my mind, suggests he has tried to be fair but sometimes you cannot go on like that. The OP herself says she also has not been happy for years but was committed to hang in there - seems to me that her DH has been doing the same but now feels it's got to the point of no return. She also admits that most of the time she has no feelings of romantic love for him.

It is very sad, and the fact that their DD has disabilities does complicate things, but it seems to be that this relationship has run its course. It doesn't have to follow that the man is automatically a selfish prick.

Kimononono Wed 04-May-16 08:47:51

still I totally disagree with your whole post. You don't just get to decide that actually - you don't want to live with your child especially ine that has health issues and probally needs him very much, that actually he didn't even want a child ( wonder if he was thinking about it when he was sleeping with her mother with out contraception) ten years down the line.

You can sympathise with him all you like - but he sounds like an an selfish prick. He isn't just leaving his wife - he is leaving a child - he is leaving a disabled child he is bleeting about not even wanting. Yeah sounds like a great guy. (More like arsehole)

If he was a decent guy this would have been sorted years ago. He should have been moving heaven and earth to make sure his disabled wife and child had the support they needed and that his child did not feel the consequences of a shit dad that couldn't get past his own pathetic feelings.

Op be greatful this tosser has finally limped out. flowers

StillDrSethHazlittMD Wed 04-May-16 08:58:36

Kimono You see things totally black and white. I see all the shades. Because people are people, not robots, have feelings and emotions which - while we may not like them - are what they are.

A lot of people don't want a child, or a second child, or a third child, but have them because their partner wants them. You know that, I know that, we read it on MN. Rightly or wrongly.

Actually, for all we know, there could have been a contraception failure - these happen regularly based on MN - and he chose to stand by the OP for ten years.

However, I do agree some thoughts are best left unexpressed!

I'm sorry, but these TWO people are BOTH unhappy. IF he chooses to leave and has no proper contact or provide financial support THEN he is a selfish prick. Making someone stay when they are unhappy "for the sake of the child" rarely ever results in the child having a better upbringing that if the parents are separate because they pick up on the animosity or bad feeling of the parents. Isn't that also what we're always told on MN?

At the moment, the OP says it is amicable. It wouldn't stay like that.

BeauGlacons Wed 04-May-16 09:27:28

Glad to hear you are married. You will at least have some rights vis a vis money and property.

Others will be better placed to help you through the emotional stuff but of course I am very sorry for what you are going through.

However, pragmatically, please make an appointment to see a family lawyer asap. You really really need to sort out your rights and entitlements before anything is agreed.

It sounds as though things have been unhappy for a very long time. Perhaps ultimately you will both be happier. I hope so.

Try to focus on work today - it may be a terrific escape.

stressedandalone Wed 04-May-16 09:30:15

He's not being selfish, and he did agree to have a child despite not really liking or wanting kids (because I wanted kids) everyone told him it would feel different when it was his own child, but it didn't. He then had the snip when I wanted a 2nd child. Our dd has no cousins so is a "little emperor" he hates that our family revolves around her.

Things are bad, but before we call it a day I would like to feel that we've given our best, and he won't try counselling. I will talk to him again about this tonight when hopefully we will be less tired (I've arranged for dd to be away for the evening to give us more time to talk) we went to one counselling session about 6 years ago and never followed it up (as neither of us liked the counsellor) to him that's trying, to me it's not.

Mishaps Wed 04-May-16 09:33:00

I am sorry that you are going through this. It must hurt like hell.

But if neither of you have been particularly happy with the relationship for a long time, it may be that in the long run this might be the right decision. It feels very tough now, as there is so much uncertainty about the future.

I do hope that you both manage to organise amicable arrangements regarding housing, money and most of all your DD.

Thinking of you today. flowers

Kimononono Wed 04-May-16 10:32:51

still wh do you keep referring back to what you/'we' read on MN? Can you not make your own opinion on it? And when children are involved things are pretty much black and white. Kids tend to not see 'shades' ...

op he is being selfish. You yourself said he has shown he never wanted her that's why you have over compensated. Don't believe for one second that your dd won't have noticed. Don't fall for the 'but I never really wanted a child' bull either - nobody forced him to have unprotected sex with you. This is a grown ass adult. So while you are doing your best to keep your family together and trying to hide the fact he doesn't want to be around his child - he is thinking about his poor life.

Your dd did not ask to be born. Nobody forced him to sleep with you. Your Dh has a commitment to make sure his child was/is looked after emotionally and physically. Neither of which he wants to do.

op I would not fight to save this. I would save your fight for sorting this mess out and making sure he pays what will be owed in CS. I could not live with a man who let it be known he did not want to be around my child or be a father to her.

People are only human and do make mistakes. But our kids never asked to be born and as parents we have to make sure that if we do make mistakes we make sure that we fix them - instead of weak ineffectual parents that bleat on about 'only being human' .

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