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Not sure if i feel how i'm supposed to

(17 Posts)
conusedoratwatorsomething Tue 03-May-16 21:03:17

Have been with dp for 4 years, have a 2 year old ds.
I love him, i'm pretty sure that i love him, but i just don't know if we really work together.
We don't have any little jokes or anything like that. He doesn't seem to want to talk with me much really but not in a mean way just in a sort of awkward way. I suppose it seems a bit stale and forced. we'd not been together long when i got pregnant and were quite young (21 + 22) so maybe we never really did work together or maybe i am just being unrealistic with how relationships are after a while??
is this normal?
Whats got me wondering i think is, at work i was talking to a guy who also works there and he made me laugh a lot, we were working together the whole shift and he was flirting with me i think (quite obviously really, i'm not normally one to notice) and just made me feel like he actually wanted to talk to me. now i'm not going to cheat on dp and i have no interest in this guy in reality, but it was nice to feel like someone fancied me and actually wants to talk to me, he was really funny.

It got me thinking that maybe me and dp aren't right for each other, we've never had one conversation like that and i think i annoy him when i try to joke around and i just end up feeling stupid.
i don't know if he really likes me tbh, he talks to other women (not flirting, just people we know) but when it comes to talking to me it's just "mmhmm" and that's all i get out of him a lot of the time. how can you enjoy yourself with someone when they are totally uninterested.

i don't know if i'm explaining myself well at all but on one hand, i love dp and our little family and he is good to me, but on the other hand i am only 25 and i don't know if i LOVE him, love him or if we've just stuck it out because i accidentally got pregnant. i don't think we'd be together if i hadn't had had DS

Help i'm so confused and scared about all these weird confused feelings and i feel like bitch of the year.

blinkyoullmissit Tue 03-May-16 21:29:10

I've been with my partner now for 2 years and we have a 10 month old son. We were together for not very long before I fell pregnant, and both very young. However there was a connection straight away. Nothing is forced at all. We joke and laugh etc.

My boyfriend before was like what you're describing now, eventually I became bitter and ended things. Best thing I did. Life is far too short to waste on someone you don't really have a connection with. You both deserve someone you have a bond with and get on amazing.
It is the absolute key to a long lasting relationship!

KindDogsTail Tue 03-May-16 21:36:56

Do you think you could make a point of doing something together at least once a week that is not in your normal routine? That way you would have some special time together and new things to talk about.

Also, do not try to get all your need for chat and company and interest from your husband (or the man at work). Could you try to get out to do something perhaps with other mothers or go to a class to give an extra spark to your life?

conusedoratwatorsomething Tue 03-May-16 22:37:24

I think doing something together more is a good idea, we never go out and do anything together.

It's not that i try to get all my chat and company from dp, but SOME would be nice. I just get the feeling he doesn't really even like me that much and i just annoy him.
He has no problem talking with other people and joking around, but with me it's just really serious and a lot of one word answers and it's quite hard to have a fun conversation with him because it feels awkward and like he just wants me to stop bothering him so he can look on his phone.

We have only lived together for a year btw, but were together just living seperately, with a few short break ups

conusedoratwatorsomething Tue 03-May-16 22:39:15

Maybe i'm just panicking a bit because turning 25 freaked me out a little bit, like i should be getting my life "sorted" or whatever and trying to work out what i want because i should really know by now, i guess my life just isn't how i planned it to be and im freaking out a little and blaming dp or something

goddessofsmallthings Tue 03-May-16 22:55:40

It would be unfair to blame your dp for the fact that it takes two to tango. What were your plans and what caused you to abandon them?

WhatsGoingOnEh Tue 03-May-16 23:02:17

We have only lived together for a year btw, but were together just living seperately, with a few short break ups

You lived separately throughout your pregnancy and the first year of your DC's life? Why was that?

Did you break up when you were pregnant, or after? What/who (which of you) caused those break-ups?

StuckMelia Tue 03-May-16 23:12:41

Spend more time together. Bond with him so that you can talk and can tell each other how you feel.

conusedoratwatorsomething Tue 03-May-16 23:34:19

We lived separately because I still lived at my parents and then temporary accommodation in a different area and then after I moved in here he moved in a few months later. It would have been odd to move in together during my pregnancy we'd only been together a few months.
The breakups were because I felt he wasn't helping fairly with ds, mostly. I had some mh issues (quite bad for a couple of months) and he wasnt very supportive and Going out all the time and not helping at night ever but that's different now. And in my 2nd pregnancy (had a termination) he threw strops and was quite horrible because I had hypermesis and basically was useless.
There's been quite a few but the past year we've been getting on well so I don't know why I suddenly feel like this now, he's my first "propper" relationship and I do really care about him and he has changed a lot recently

conusedoratwatorsomething Tue 03-May-16 23:36:44

Ugh reading that back makes it all seem worse than it is, it's not like that anymore at all but our relationship really was not good during pregnancy and the year and a bit after but has been normal and nice mostly since then

KindDogsTail Tue 03-May-16 23:39:45

I think you are both very young and it is possible you could grow together.
Keep trying to do things together and see how it goes.

You can even do small things like a walk with the baby. Go to a cafe. Go to the cinema.

It is difficult to develop a relationship and to have and look after a baby. You have both been through a lot. Now try to give yourselves a chance.

spiders65 Wed 04-May-16 17:33:37

Can you get a babysitter and go on a few nights out or stay in a hostel in another city like Brighton and have weekend away?

When I've felt like this with DH usually just meant needed a laugh together.

Camping is cheap and fun just get drunk and have some fish and chips

WhatsGoingOnEh Thu 05-May-16 06:27:42

You and your partner are both really young. It sounds like you're both "settling" because of your DC.

JonSnowsBeardClippings Thu 05-May-16 06:59:42

I just get the feeling he doesn't really even like me that much and i just annoy him

The whole relationship was an accident wasn't it? You've broken up several times, you didn't ever make a plan or decision to be together you just fell into it. Honestly, I think you should start thinking about moving on. Life is too short to waste like this.

StillAwakeAndItIsLate Thu 05-May-16 07:00:49

Can I be really honest? I agree that I think you are settling because of your son.

This does not sound like a relationship that is going to last for the next 50+ years and whilst you do need friends/work/university/hobbies to complete you as a person, you shouldn't be using these to fill the communication/conversation gaps in your relationship is not a successful idea.

I think that, in your shoes, I would give it 6 months. And in that 6 months I would make a concerted effort to talk to him about how I felt and what is happening; plan time together to try and address some of the issues; but also parallel plan for a life alone if it became obvious that that was where we were heading. In essence, work with him to make it all better but get organised in case it doesn't.

Just hoping that it will all be ok because you 'love each other' isn't enough. If it isn't right, then it isn't right. It's easier to overlook things when you're young, but as you get older, you also become less forgiving of other people's failings (it's why they say older people become more 'set in their ways' and whatever, it's not that really, it's more that you finally work out who you are, where you're going and what you're all about and you feel less inclined to put up with other people's shit/incompatibilities.)

Yes, give yourselves, your partner, your relationship a chance, but keep an open mind and don't assume you have to stay together for the sake of your son. It's far easier to split and start again when you're young than it is when you're over 40 and have realised you were with the wrong person all along!

Oh and (meant very kindly indeed), if you had an unexpected pregnancy with this man and, since your son was born 2 years ago, had another, check your contraception. It's far easier to start your life over without several children you didn't actually intend to have wink

conusedoratwatorsomething Thu 05-May-16 08:03:39

I have an implant now. 2nd was planned.
I'm fine on my own the flats my tenancy and the few times we've broken up I've been fine so it's not that really I just want it to work. Maybe cause we never really did the fun years of a relationship, it just went from 0 to baby without the dating, living together without kids stuff first.

JonSnowsBeardClippings Thu 05-May-16 08:16:34

And if it had had the dating and getting to know you stage would you still be together or would you have found out you were not compatible at that point?

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