Hi
I'm kind of expecting to be lynched for my handling of this but here goes anyway.
My ExH and I separated and divorced nearly 4 years ago now. He was (and still tries to be) emotionally controlling and I had tried to end the marriage for several years but had always backed down. Eventually I very much to my surprise met someone else and ended my marriage once and for all - and before anything happened. I am still with the same man and we are expecting a baby (due to be induced due to my own medical complications this Friday). ExH is now in a secure relationship and is remarrying.
I have 4 sons with my ExH aged from 12 to 18. This is mainly concerning my youngest. DS4 has a chronic medical condition which means many hospital visits and admissions. He's spent 3 of the last 5 weeks in hospital for major surgery plus an abscess and a severe infection.
For the last couple of years he has been unhappy to stay with his dad and his fiancée. He feels his dad is strongly favouring her 2 children and that his dad is unpleasant to him, especially when his fiancée isn't around. DS4's older siblings often push him around and verbally wind him up, especially around their dad, and when DS4 tries to tell his dad he's told it's just banter and to "man-up".
My ExH has never paid an interest in his youngest sons medical issues or school issues or everyday life in general. When we split we mutually agreed a contact agreement of EOW plus a week in the summer and at Christmas. I tried to get him to have them more than this and have frequently told him and the boys that I am more than happy to facilitate more contact - ExH has never asked for this claiming work commitments and lack of holiday time and money. He and his fiancée and her children have had 2 foreign holidays since Christmas and over the year he takes just 5 of his 28 day annual holiday allowance to spend with his own children.
During DS4's many hospital stays his dad visits him once in roughly 2-3 admissions and on these occasions behaves like father of the year to the staff most of whom aren't even aware he's actually his dad as they never see him!! He passes within 10 mins of our local hospital on the way home from work but clearly won't interrupt his life to visit his son. When DS4 had a major op 5 weeks ago he visited him for 1 hour - he didn't take so much as an afternoon off work for his son. I know he could have done so as he was with the same company for 15 years before we split up and I know what they're like! He never bothered to take time when we were together either and my parents have always filled that gap pre-DP - he's always seen anything that wasn't his work as my job. My DP was with us at the hospital for the whole admission and has been at every appointment and admission for the last 3 years despite doing a very important job.
DS4 is now nearly 13 and has been getting increasing upset at his dad's apparently lack of care and during the last admission decided he didn't want to stay with his dad anymore and I admit I agree with him. His dad doesn't try to talk to the medical staff about his son despite my repeatedly telling him that as he has parental responsibility he should. He doesn't even ask me for information about his son, just asks DS4 for brief details so he can post on FB as the concerned father.
I am so fed up of seeing him going off to his dad's with a cloud over his head and coming back sad and I am unable to find it within myself to force him to anymore. DS4 is so scared of his dad's emotional manipulation that he won't even message him to say he doesn't want to talk to to him right now and his dad thinks I have engineered this situation, which I didn't. DS4 has been thinking about this for some time but I told him it wasn't my decision to make and continued encouraging contact. He is so stressed about the whole situation he was sent home from school today after being sick.
Anyone got any advice? His dad can get rather unpleasant and I'm currently worried about his next step. He won't accept being told anything that doesn't fit with his view of himself as super-dad and keeps telling me I'm making it up and it can't be true and DS4's refusal to talk to him isn't helping. ExH emailed me to say he was going to take him out to dinner tonight and DS4 won't go. I don't know how to handle this.
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DS doesn't want to see ExH
ProbablyMe · 03/05/2016 17:20
Hissy says it all. It's your ds's decision at this point. At nearly 13 a court isn't going to insist on contact, even if ex wants to take it that far and it doesn't sound like ex likes to go to a lot of trouble for your ds at the best of times.
Thank you all. I am the one who has been communicating all of this to my ExH on my DS behalf as my DS has been so upset about it all. Problem is that my Ex is an arrogant git who can't ever accept that he may have done some thing wrong and therefore assumes I'm constructing all of this because I'm a "bitter harpy" 
ExH been in touch to say that he's "taken advice" and he needs DS to spend some "no pressure" time with him alone. He said that he'd been advised that letting DS take the lead was the wrong approach. I told him I didn't care who had advised him or what they had advised as his son is an individual and can't be forced. I won't force him into anything either. He didn't reply to that. DS doesn't want to do this as he says he's afraid of his dad turning the emotional thumbscrews and him feeling like he needs to give in to something he doesn't want. I've managed to get DS to talk to me a bit about it and we've discussed that sometimes when you make big decisions that there is a bit of stress to deal with while it settles down but that myself and my DP (who he adores) will protect him from as much of it as we can. DS has now messaged his dad to say he doesn't feel like talking to him at the moment but maybe they can sort something out later this month - he said he was trying to be non-commital rather than causing an argument.
Well done, both of you!
Love the idea that a child should be pressured into no-pressure time
I lie the way you're supporting DS to set & defend his own boundaries. Hope it's not too long before he's confident to say "No, thanks" rather than "Maybe later".
DS's older siblings often push him around and wind him up. Time you told your older DC to cut that out. Your DS does not need any extra stress, especially with his chronic medical condition.
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